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Introduction by Conan
[Conan walks on stage, the crowd cheers. He straightens his tie, does the awkward hair flip, and leans into the mic.]
“Good evening, everybody! Normally, I come out here and make fun of myself for being pale, lanky, and shaped like a question mark. But tonight… tonight’s different. I had a revelation.
See, I’ve spent most of my life thinking women had it… you know, maybe a little harder than men, but not that much harder. Like, they have to deal with purses and high heels, and I thought, okay, that’s the trade-off for us having to grill meat once in a while. Fair exchange, right?
Turns out—WRONG. Completely, embarrassingly, stupidly wrong.
I found out the average woman only feels really good for one week out of the month. One week! The rest of the time? Cramps, hormones, bloating, mood swings, and somehow still going to work, raising kids, cooking dinner, and pretending everything’s fine. Meanwhile, I pull a hamstring putting on socks and need three days to recover.
And then there’s childbirth. Oh my God. They told me it’s like breaking twenty bones at once while running a marathon… for thirty hours. And what do men do? We stand in the corner of the delivery room like confused giraffes, asking, ‘Is it time to cut the cord yet?’
But it doesn’t stop there. No, no, no. There’s something called the invisible load. That’s all the mental and emotional labor women carry that men don’t even see. Birthdays, doctor’s appointments, making sure the family doesn’t eat expired yogurt—it’s endless. I do the dishes once and expect a parade. My wife does fifty things before lunch and nobody notices.
And then—menopause. The grand finale. Hot flashes, brain fog, night sweats. I thought menopause was just… you know, when women started buying more candles. Nope! It’s like puberty showing up for a surprise sequel, except this time your air conditioning bill triples.
And here’s the kicker: women do all of this without applause. No trophies, no medals, not even a free smoothie card. They just endure. Month after month, year after year. And idiots like me stroll through life thinking we’ve had a hard day because the Wi-Fi was slow.
So tonight, I have to say it: I regret every time I underestimated what women go through. I regret every dumb joke I cracked about PMS. I regret thinking taking out the trash made me a hero. I regret not saying ‘thank you’ enough.
Because here’s the truth—women are everyday warriors. They bleed, they birth, they juggle, they sweat, they endure. And men? Men are basically interns in this thing called life. At best, we’re the sidekicks in a movie where women are the superheroes.
So from now on, I vow to show more kindness, more respect, more gratitude. Not just once a year on Mother’s Day. Every day. Because women deserve it.
And maybe—just maybe—I’ll even learn to do the dishes quietly… without expecting a standing ovation.”
[He bows deeply. The audience cheers—not just for the joke, but for the truth.]
(Note: This is an imaginary conversation, a creative exploration of an idea, and not a real speech or event)
Topic 1: The Monthly Rollercoaster
Conan O’Brien (grinning, leaning forward):
“So, I keep hearing this rumor—apparently women only feel good, like really good, for one week out of the month. Is this true, or is this one of those things men repeat so we don’t feel guilty about not vacuuming?”
Ali Wong (rolling her eyes):
“Conan, it’s true. You get one week. Seven glorious days. The rest of the time it’s cramps, hormones, bloating, crying at Subaru commercials—basically a nonstop rollercoaster. And you know what? We don’t even get a T-shirt for surviving it.”
Amy Schumer (jumping in):
“Yeah, imagine if men had periods. You guys would call in sick, demand a parade, and make a Netflix special about your bravery. Meanwhile, women just go to work, pick up kids, cook dinner, and pretend like nothing’s happening—while bleeding out like it’s a horror movie marathon.”
Conan (laughs, then winces):
“Wait, wait, wait. You’re telling me this happens, what, twelve times a year? For, like… how long?”
Wanda Sykes (deadpan):
“Until menopause, baby. About 35 years. That’s over 450 times. You do the math. You complain if your Wi-Fi is down for two days, but imagine your body running a Windows ’95 update every single month.”
Conan (pretends to faint):
“Four hundred and fifty times?! I can’t even commit to flossing once a week! And you’re saying you all just… function? Like go to jobs, raise kids, deal with people like me?”
Ali Wong:
“Yep. All while pretending everything is fine. Because if we say we’re in pain, some guy will go, ‘Oh, is it that time of the month?’ Which is like saying to a drowning person, ‘Oh, are you swimming?’”
Amy Schumer (smirking):
“And Conan, don’t forget the PMS week before. That’s emotional turbulence, baby. One minute you’re crying over a puppy video, next minute you want to fight a lamp. Add the week after when your body is recovering, and yeah… basically, we get one decent week.”
Conan (mock dramatic):
“So, wait. Out of 52 weeks a year, you’re telling me women only feel ‘normal’ for 12 of them? That’s like having a season pass to Disneyland but 75% of the time it’s closed for maintenance!”
Wanda Sykes (grinning):
“Exactly. Except instead of Mickey Mouse, it’s cramps and mood swings. But hey, enjoy your clear-headed, hormonally stable life, Conan.”
Conan (hands in the air, surrendering):
“Okay, okay! I admit it. Men have no idea. We’ve been coasting on Easy Mode this whole time. You’re telling me women have been running marathons every month while I complain about my shoelaces being too tight.”
Ali Wong:
“Welcome to reality, Conan. You’re late, but at least you showed up.”
Topic 2: The Childbirth Olympics
Conan O’Brien (grinning, clueless):
“Alright, so let’s move on. Childbirth. I’ve heard it’s, you know, tough. But how bad can it be? I mean, women keep doing it—so it can’t be that bad, right?”
Ali Wong (gasps theatrically):
“Conan. That’s like saying people keep running marathons, so it must be easy. Except imagine a marathon where every mile someone punches you in the kidneys, you’re carrying a watermelon in your stomach, and at the end you’re rewarded with… a screaming newborn that never sleeps.”
Amy Schumer (leaning in, mock serious):
“Labor pain has been compared to breaking twenty bones at once. If men went through it, hospitals would hand out Purple Hearts. You’d be wheeled around town on a parade float with a sash that says, ‘He Pushed a Baby Out.’”
Wanda Sykes (raising an eyebrow):
“And don’t forget, Conan, childbirth is not a one-day event for a lot of women. Some are in labor for 30 hours. That’s like watching the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy… twice… while someone repeatedly stabs you in the abdomen.”
Conan (jaw dropping, mock horrified):
“Thirty hours?! I once got cranky standing in line at the DMV for two hours. If I’d been in labor, I would have burned the whole building down.”
Ali Wong:
“Exactly. And after that marathon of pain, women don’t get to recover with a Netflix binge. No. They immediately have to breastfeed, change diapers, and wake up every two hours while their body feels like it was hit by a bus.”
Amy Schumer (snorting):
“And Conan, let’s not forget the epidural debate. Some people say, ‘Oh, just go natural, it’s beautiful.’ Beautiful?! Natural doesn’t mean painless. You know what else is natural? Shark attacks.”
Wanda Sykes (smirking):
“And the recovery—hoo boy. Stitches, swelling, bleeding for weeks. If men had to deal with postpartum, society would shut down. Wall Street would be like, ‘Sorry, guys, all the traders are healing their pelvic floors.’”
Conan (throws his hands up, stunned):
“Okay, okay! I’m starting to get it. Women are out here doing the ultimate extreme sport—except it’s not for a medal, it’s for a human being. And then, instead of resting, they raise that human being for eighteen years. That’s like… childbirth plus a sequel.”
Ali Wong (grinning):
“Yep. And no one claps for us when we finish. We just get, ‘Congrats, now keep this tiny human alive or society will blame you forever.’”
Conan (shaking his head, finally humbled):
“I… I’m not worthy. Men are basically playing checkers, while women are out here competing in the Olympics every single day.”
Topic 3: The Invisible Load — Mental and Emotional Labor
Conan O’Brien (grinning, pretending to be innocent):
“Okay, childbirth sounds like the Olympics on hard mode. But once that’s over, it’s smooth sailing, right? I mean, men help out. I take out the trash once in a while!”
Wanda Sykes (laughs so hard she slaps the table):
“Once in a while? Conan, that’s like bragging you watered a cactus twice a year. The invisible load isn’t about trash. It’s about everything else.”
Ali Wong (leaning in, playful but sharp):
“Let me break it down: women remember birthdays, buy gifts, schedule doctor’s appointments, plan meals, keep track of school projects, text the babysitter, manage in-laws, refill the toilet paper, and still go to work. That’s mental gymnastics every single day.”
Amy Schumer (mocking Conan’s voice):
“And then the husband comes home like, ‘Hey babe, I mowed the lawn. We’re even now, right?’ No, sir, mowing the lawn once is not equal to a lifetime of being the family’s Google Calendar.”
Conan (throwing up his hands):
“Wait—so when I proudly tell my wife, ‘I did the dishes,’ she doesn’t see it as me being a hero?”
Wanda Sykes (deadpan):
“She sees it as a grown man doing the bare minimum required to stay out of raccoon territory. Congratulations, you’re a functioning adult.”
Ali Wong (nodding):
“Conan, men measure points wrong. You think one load of dishes equals, like, 50 points. Women see it as one point. Meanwhile, she’s been running a 24/7 background operating system you don’t even notice.”
Amy Schumer (grinning):
“Exactly. Emotional labor is also part of it. Who smooths things over when the kids fight? Who remembers that Aunt Linda hates cilantro? Who makes sure Christmas morning doesn’t look like a crime scene? It’s women. Men just… show up and ask where the batteries are.”
Conan (clutching his chest, mock wounded):
“Okay, ouch. I thought remembering to feed the dog once a week was contributing. You’re saying I’m basically the intern of the household?”
Wanda Sykes (pointing at him, smirking):
“Intern? Please. You’re the guy in the group project who just puts his name on the PowerPoint.”
Ali Wong (grinning):
“And then gets mad when you don’t get an A.”
Amy Schumer (teasing):
“Face it, Conan. Women are the project managers of life. You’re just happy when your shirt’s folded and your socks magically appear in the drawer.”
Conan (mock bowing to them):
“Alright, alright! I surrender. The invisible load is real. I thought I was being helpful, but compared to you all, I’m basically just… decorative.”
Wanda Sykes (smiling):
“Hey, don’t knock it. Decorative is fine—as long as you also bring snacks.”
Topic 4: The Menopause Meltdown — Fire, Fog, and Freedom
Conan O’Brien (raising an eyebrow):
“Okay, so after childbirth and raising kids, women finally get a break, right? I mean… menopause sounds like retirement. Do you just, like, get a gold watch and stop worrying?”
Wanda Sykes (bursting out laughing):
“Retirement? Oh, Conan, that’s cute. Menopause is like a final boss battle. Hot flashes, brain fog, mood swings. It’s like puberty 2.0, but this time with less patience.”
Ali Wong (leaning in, mock serious):
“Hot flashes, Conan, are like your body suddenly turning into a malfunctioning air fryer. One second you’re fine, the next you’re sweating like you just ran through the Sahara in a wool sweater.”
Amy Schumer (smirking):
“And the brain fog is real. Imagine forgetting where you put your keys, your phone, and your pants… all in the same hour. Menopause is basically a long-term comedy prank on women.”
Conan (eyes wide, pretending to fan himself):
“So you’re telling me, after decades of periods and childbirth, women basically turn into… human lava lamps?”
Wanda Sykes (nodding):
“Yep. And let’s not forget the night sweats. You go to bed in pajamas, wake up feeling like you wrestled a walrus in a sauna. It’s a full-time job just doing laundry.”
Ali Wong:
“And then, on top of that, you’re dealing with mood swings. One moment you’re calm, the next you’re yelling at a spoon because it looked at you funny.”
Amy Schumer (mocking Conan):
“Meanwhile, men just get older and buy a convertible. That’s your midlife crisis. We’re over here trying to rebuild our entire bodies from scratch while you’re polishing your car and growing a beard.”
Conan (clutching his chest, guilty smile):
“Okay, guilty as charged. I did test-drive a Corvette last year. But you’re saying menopause is like… the encore nobody asked for?”
Wanda Sykes (grinning):
“Exactly. It’s the surprise sequel that no one bought tickets for, but it shows up anyway with surround sound.”
Ali Wong (raising her hand in victory):
“But here’s the thing: once women get through it, there’s a freedom. No more periods, no more birth control, no more monthly rollercoaster. It’s like winning a very sweaty lottery.”
Amy Schumer (smiling, softer now):
“And that’s when women realize—they’ve been through every stage: period, childbirth, invisible load, menopause. They’re battle-tested superheroes. Meanwhile, Conan, you… still complain about stubbed toes.”
Conan (bows, finally humbled):
“Okay, I surrender. Menopause isn’t retirement—it’s war. And women? You’ve all fought through battles men couldn’t even survive. Respect. Utter, eternal respect.”
Topic 5: The Grand Realization — Women Are Everyday Warriors
Conan O’Brien (leaning back, rubbing his forehead):
“Alright, let me recap: Women have one good week a month, they survive childbirth—which is basically the Olympics of pain—they carry an invisible load that makes NASA look under-organized, and then menopause hits like a flamethrower. And men… what? We complain when our phone battery dies?”
Ali Wong (grinning):
“Pretty much. You guys got the cheat codes. No periods, no childbirth, no menopause. Your big problem is deciding if you want boxers or briefs.”
Amy Schumer (mocking Conan’s voice):
“Or whining about how your steak wasn’t medium rare enough. Meanwhile, women are out here bleeding, birthing, organizing, and sweating through the sheets—and still getting up for work the next day.”
Wanda Sykes (smirking, arms crossed):
“Yup. We’ve been the unsung superheroes all along. And we don’t even wear capes—unless it’s laundry day and the only clean sheet is wrapped around us.”
Conan (sits forward, finally serious):
“You know what? I came in here thinking I was going to be funny. But I think the joke’s on me. I had no idea how much women carry—not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. Men can coast through life without ever realizing half of this.”
Ali Wong (smiling, softer now):
“That’s the point, Conan. We don’t need pity—we need recognition. Respect. A little help wouldn’t hurt either.”
Amy Schumer (teasing):
“Yeah, maybe start by actually doing the dishes without announcing it like you won a Nobel Prize.”
Wanda Sykes (nodding):
“Or, you know, listen. Appreciate. Be kind. That goes further than you think.”
Conan (raising his hands in surrender, smiling):
“Alright, I’m convinced. Women aren’t just great—they’re everyday warriors. You’ve been fighting battles men don’t even know exist, and winning them over and over. From now on, I’m bowing down. I’ll even do the dishes… quietly.”
All Three Women (in unison, laughing):
“Finally!”
So by the end, Conan goes from clueless comedian to humbled admirer, realizing that men owe women far more respect, kindness, and gratitude than they usually give.
Final Thoughts by Conan
You know, I came into this conversation with a lot of confidence. I thought, ‘Hey, I’ve been married for decades, I’ve raised kids, I’m a sensitive modern man—I get it.’ But I didn’t get it. Not really.
Hearing it laid out, even with the exaggerations, I realize how blind I’ve been. The truth is, men live on easy mode. We don’t bleed every month. We don’t split open to bring life into the world. We don’t carry the endless invisible load of remembering, planning, and holding families together. We don’t walk through the fire of menopause. We get to age like fine wine—or at least, in my case, like expired milk in a decent bottle.
And here’s what hit me hardest: women go through all of this not once, not twice, but every single day of their lives. Not with applause. Not with medals. Not with parades. They just do it. Quietly, constantly, invisibly. And too often, men like me not only fail to see it—we take it for granted.
So I want to say this, with no punchline: I regret every time I dismissed, joked away, or underestimated what women endure. I regret how long it took me to see it. And I respect women now in a way I never truly did before.
Because the truth is simple: women aren’t just strong. They are everyday warriors. And the least we men can do—the very least—is to be kind. To respect. To appreciate. To stand in awe.
And maybe, just maybe, to shut up once in a while and do the dishes… without expecting a standing ovation.
Short Bios:
Conan O’Brien
Conan O’Brien is an American comedian, writer, and late-night television host known for his quick wit, self-deprecating humor, and iconic red hair. He hosted Late Night with Conan O’Brien, The Tonight Show, and Conan, becoming one of the most beloved figures in modern comedy.
Ali Wong
Ali Wong is a stand-up comedian, actress, and writer celebrated for her brutally honest and hilarious takes on pregnancy, motherhood, and relationships. Her Netflix specials Baby Cobra and Hard Knock Wife earned her global recognition.
Amy Schumer
Amy Schumer is a comedian, actress, and writer best known for her sharp, unfiltered humor on gender, sex, and social issues. She created and starred in Inside Amy Schumer and has headlined multiple stand-up specials.
Wanda Sykes
Wanda Sykes is a legendary comedian, actress, and writer known for her bold, witty observations on race, politics, and daily life. She’s appeared in Curb Your Enthusiasm, The New Adventures of Old Christine, and has earned Emmy Awards for her work.
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