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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to what might be the most ambitious use of comedy since someone said, “Let’s make a sitcom about a talking horse.”
Tonight—and for the next five rounds—we’re asking a very serious question with very unserious people: Who’s really running this country?
Is it the voter? Is it the media? Is it an algorithm disguised as a 13-year-old with a TikTok account?
We’ve gathered a roundtable of comedians, each of whom has yelled at a screen, muttered “what the hell is happening,” and then turned that despair into stand-up gold.
You’ll hear from legends and lunatics. Philosophers and punchline assassins. People who’ve been canceled, recanceled, and then invited back with a Netflix deal.
Our topics? Lighthearted stuff like war, national identity, propaganda, and whether democracy is just a very expensive improv show.
Buckle up. There are no ads, no scripts, and no safe spaces—just comedians trying to figure out if the truth still has a pulse.
(Note: This is an imaginary conversation, a creative exploration of an idea, and not a real speech or event.)
Topic 1: Media and War – Who Really Benefits?
Conan O’Brien – Opening Remarks
Welcome, everyone. Tonight, we're digging into a very light, fluffy topic: war profiteering and media complicity. You know, stuff you bring up on first dates.
With us are five of the sharpest, funniest, and most suspicious people I know. Let's see if we can laugh while peeking into the abyss. First question:
Conan
Let’s be real—does media actually promote war? Or are they just reporting what’s already happening?
Wanda Sykes
Oh, come on. The media’s like, “We’re not promoting war, we’re just showing this exciting new series called Shock and Awe: Baghdad Edition.” I mean, you don’t need theme music for a drone strike, okay?
John Oliver
Absolutely, Wanda. There’s a difference between reporting on conflict and creating a Michael Bay trailer every time a bomb drops. If you’ve got a war correspondent doing a live hit in front of a tank, that’s not journalism—that’s sponsored content.
Kevin Hart
Man, I turned on the news, and they had countdown graphics for airstrikes! Like it’s the Super Bowl. "Coming up next: BOOM!" Meanwhile, my cousin’s trying to afford gas and Oreos. Who’s winning here?
Hasan Minhaj
It’s all optics. News networks are like hype men for the Pentagon. You see polished generals, flags in soft focus, and nobody asking, “So... why are we actually there?” They act like it's the Marvel Cinematic Universe: Phase 47 – Kabul.
Dave Chappelle
The media doesn’t just promote war... they romance it. They take it out to dinner, buy it wine, and introduce it to their parents. Because nothing sells ads like fear, and war is the oldest fear trick in the book.
Conan
So if war isn’t helping most Americans, who is benefiting—and why does media keep boosting those voices?
John Oliver
Simple. The defense contractors. If Lockheed Martin had a Tinder profile, CNN would be swiping right 24/7. These are companies whose stocks go up every time someone says “precision strike.”
Kevin Hart
Yo, these politicians and lobbyists are like, “It’s not about money, it’s about democracy.” And then they hop on private jets with Raytheon receipts in their pocket. Meanwhile, my Aunt Linda’s still trying to figure out if Medicare covers asthma.
Wanda Sykes
And who’s hosting the panels? Retired generals who work for weapons companies! That’s like having a KFC spokesman review vegan recipes. You already know how it’s gonna go.
Dave Chappelle
Who benefits? The people who never go. War’s great when it’s other people’s kids. Poor kids from Cleveland end up in desert heat while some D.C. think tank guy’s tweeting about freedom from a wine bar.
Hasan Minhaj
The media sells war as patriotic content. But underneath it’s just elite consensus dressed up in red, white, and blue. The moment someone questions it? “Un-American.” Nah, asking questions is the most American thing there is.
Conan
Alright, last question: If media really wants to serve the public, how should war be covered differently?
Hasan Minhaj
Step one: Stop interviewing the Pentagon like they’re your boss. Step two: show the actual people affected—families, veterans, civilians. The “human cost” isn’t a line—it’s a lens.
Wanda Sykes
They should make reporters go through basic training. You wanna cover war? Cool—do ten pushups, wear a helmet, and eat MREs for a week. Then tell me how glorious it is.
Kevin Hart
Use the same energy y’all put into celebrity gossip. If you can deep dive on why Taylor Swift broke up with somebody, you can investigate why we dropped bombs on the wrong village—again.
Dave Chappelle
Stop making war look clean. Let people see the chaos, the pain, the mud. No music, no spin. Just truth. Because if we really saw war for what it is... maybe we’d vote different.
John Oliver
And make transparency boring again. No more countdowns, no cinematic openings. If a war starts and the news anchor goes, “Today, we had to do a horrible thing,” instead of smiling—that’s a win.
Conan O’Brien – Closing Thoughts
You know what’s wild? This was probably more honest than most real war panels.
Turns out comedians are great truth-tellers. Maybe it’s because we’ve seen behind the curtain—or maybe it’s just because we’re tired of being lied to while trying to eat cereal.
Either way, we’ll be back with more. Probably not sponsored by Raytheon.
Topic 2: America First vs Global Stability
Conan O’Brien – Opening Remarks
Welcome back. Today’s topic is “America First vs Global Stability,” or as Kevin put it backstage, “Do we fix the house or keep paying for the whole neighborhood's lawn care?”
Let’s jump in.
Conan
Is “America First” a smart way to prioritize citizens—or a dangerous retreat from global responsibility?
Trevor Noah
As someone from South Africa, I gotta say—America First sounds a lot like “Everyone else, good luck!” It’s like you’re the captain of a cruise ship yelling, “I paid for this boat, so I’m only steering my room.”
Ali Wong
Look, I get it. I’ve got two kids, and if someone tells me I have to babysit another country’s drama? No. But isolationism? That’s like saying you’re quitting your group project and then getting mad when you fail the class.
Kevin Hart
Man, America First is great... until the rest of the world stops inviting us to the cookout. You can’t ghost every global party and still expect them to send you the leftovers.
Jim Gaffigan
I mean, I love America—but have you seen America lately? Maybe we should focus on unclogging our own toilet before we fix the neighbor’s jacuzzi. Just saying.
Conan O’Brien
Here’s the thing—America’s always been like that rich uncle who shows up late, takes over the grill, and says, “You’re welcome,” even if he burned the burgers. Do we still want that role?
Conan
What actually happens if America pulls back? Is it freedom for others—or a free-for-all?
Kevin Hart
You know what happens? Chaos. It’s like when Dad leaves town and everyone starts eating ice cream for breakfast. Without America, who’s the grown-up? France? Nah, man.
Ali Wong
Let’s be honest—some countries want America to mind its business. But when America leaves, China’s like, “Don’t worry, we got this.” And now you’ve traded Twitter fights for surveillance drones.
Trevor Noah
It’s complicated. The U.S. pulls out, and sometimes that gives people a chance to self-determine. But sometimes it’s like taking the batteries out of the smoke detector during a fire.
Jim Gaffigan
Honestly, I think most Americans don’t even know we’re still in half these places. We withdraw, and people are like, “Wait, we were in Djibouti?!”
Conan O’Brien
Yeah, pulling back sounds good until you realize someone else fills the void. Usually someone with less Netflix and more missiles.
Conan
So what would a responsible foreign policy look like in the 21st century—strong but not arrogant, global but not codependent?
Trevor Noah
It’s like being a bouncer at a nightclub. You don’t start the fights, but you’re there to stop people from bottle-service warfare. Presence with purpose—not domination.
Jim Gaffigan
We need a foreign policy that works like IKEA instructions. Simple, peaceful, no tools missing, and hopefully nobody ends up crying in the parking lot.
Ali Wong
We need foreign policy that multitasks like a tired mom. Get the kid to school, answer work emails, stop one civil war, and still make dinner. Efficient, direct, no BS.
Kevin Hart
Put it this way: We gotta stop trying to be the world’s hero and just be the world’s decent neighbor. You don’t need to fix everybody’s marriage—you just need to keep your dog from barking at 3 a.m.
Conan O’Brien
Honestly, I think foreign policy should work like my hair routine. Stay in place, stay calm, no flyaways, and definitely avoid oil.
Conan – Closing Thoughts
So… should America lead, leave, or learn to chill?
From bouncers to babysitters to badly translated IKEA manuals, it turns out comedians might be the only ones explaining foreign policy in a way that makes sense.
Because when the world gets complicated, sometimes all you can do is laugh—and then Google “what’s Djibouti?”
Topic 3: The Cost of Being the World’s Policeman
Conan O’Brien – Opening Remarks
Tonight’s topic: The cost of being the world’s policeman.
And by cost, I don’t mean just money. I mean lives, trust, and, as Carlin might say, “the illusion of moral superiority wrapped in a flag.”
Let’s get into it before we get sanctioned by YouTube.
Conan
Is America “protecting the world,” or just playing global hall monitor with a superiority complex?
George Carlin
Let me tell you something, folks. America doesn’t “protect”—it projects. You don’t drop democracy from a plane at 30,000 feet. You drop bombs, then contracts. It ain’t about peace—it’s about pieces of the pie.
Kevin Hart
Man, if we’re the hall monitor, somebody better take our whistle. We’re out here writing people up while our own locker’s on fire. “Excuse me, Iran, no fighting—also I just stepped over a homeless vet in Philly.”
Bo Burnham
I think it’s like performance art now. We show up, wave flags, film it, and hashtag “freedom” while a drone flies overhead. It’s a musical with missiles. Broadway, but with oil.
Sarah Silverman
We say “defend democracy” the way influencers say “I’m doing this for mental health.” No you’re not—you’re selling something. And the audience knows it.
Roy Wood Jr.
Let’s be real. America’s out here starting fights then showing up as the referee. Like, “Whoa, whoa, let’s all calm down,” with a baton in one hand and a World Bank loan in the other.
Conan
Who actually benefits from this role—and who’s paying the price?
Bo Burnham
It’s like a tragic circus. The top-tier clowns—defense contractors, think tank ghouls—they get private jets. The rest of us? We’re the ones sweeping up glitter and debt under the tent.
Roy Wood Jr.
The troops pay. The taxpayers pay. And we don’t even get a receipt. Meanwhile, some senator’s brother-in-law just got a contract to rebuild a bridge we blew up last week.
George Carlin
You wanna know who benefits? The merchants of death. The “defense” industry, which is neither defensive nor industrious—just dangerous and extremely profitable. You can’t spell “profit” without “riot.”
Sarah Silverman
Honestly? The media gets a slice too. War coverage is great for ratings—until they cut to commercial: “Brought to you by Boeing and Tylenol PM. Because you’ll need both.”
Kevin Hart
Yo, the soldiers come back home and get ghosted by the VA. But Raytheon? They’re popping champagne. It’s like getting dumped and still being charged for dinner.
Conan
If we scaled back the global muscle-flexing, what would a smarter, more ethical American presence look like?
Roy Wood Jr.
We need to stop being the dude who shows up uninvited, rearranges your furniture, then says, “You’re welcome.” Just call first. Ask questions. Bring snacks.
Bo Burnham
Ethical presence? That’s like asking your ex to be a mature co-parent—possible, but requires therapy and a real apology tour.
George Carlin
Here’s an idea: Mind your damn business. Fix your own potholes. Feed your own kids. Then maybe maybe you can talk about saving the world.
Sarah Silverman
How about diplomacy with fewer weapons and more awkward silence? Imagine a press conference where America just goes, “Yeah... that was messed up. Our bad.”
Kevin Hart
We don’t have to be the superhero. Be the chill neighbor. Mow your lawn, wave, and only call 911 when someone’s actually breaking in—not because they looked suspicious while holding a passport.
Conan O’Brien – Closing Thoughts
So, to recap:
We’re the global cop with a gambling problem. The freedom vendor with a sketchy return policy.
But maybe—just maybe—if we turned down the volume, stopped flexing, and started listening, we’d spend less time saving the world... and more time not needing to.
Stick around. Next up: Fox News and National Identity, also known as “That Time a Cable Channel Became a Personality Test.”
Topic 4: Fox News’ Role in Shaping National Identity
Conan O’Brien – Opening Remarks
Tonight’s topic: Fox News and who we think we are.
Is it America’s megaphone or America’s mirror?
And more importantly—does it come in HD, or just high-decibel?
Conan
Let’s start here: Has Fox News shaped America’s identity—or just reflected what was already there?
Stephen Colbert
Fox News didn’t invent angry white dads—it just gave them a teleprompter. It’s like a mirror with a permanent “yell” filter.
Tiffany Haddish
Oh, it’s shaping folks. My uncle used to be chill. Then he watched Fox for six weeks and started yelling about “elites” while eating Hot Pockets. I was like, you are the elite of microwaves.
Jordan Klepper
Fox didn’t create identity—it curated it. Like Spotify, but for fear. You want “All Lives Matter with a side of nostalgia”? They got a playlist for that.
Kevin Hart
Man, Fox News is like that drama-filled cousin who shows up to the cookout, stirs the pot, then dips before the dishes. Everyone’s mad, and they’re back home selling merch.
Conan O’Brien
Yeah, it’s like Fox found America in a midlife crisis and said, “Forget therapy, here’s a flamethrower.”
Conan
What responsibility does Fox—or any major media outlet—have when their content fuels fear or division?
Kevin Hart
Look, if you’re feeding people panic for breakfast, don’t act shocked when they storm brunch. Media's got power—it’s like seasoning: use too much, and now everybody’s spicy and confused.
Jordan Klepper
Fox acts like they’re just the messenger. No—you’re the DJ at an insurrection-themed dance party. You picked the beat. You hyped the crowd. Own it.
Tiffany Haddish
They need to put warning labels on that channel like it’s a pack of cigarettes: “Watching this may cause yelling at strangers and purchasing unnecessary flags.”
Stephen Colbert
Responsibility starts with not gaslighting your viewers. Don’t say “We’re just asking questions” while setting the house on fire with a blowtorch labeled Just Curious.
Conan O’Brien
Honestly, I think every network needs a “chill guy in the corner” who just hits a gong when things get too crazy. “Tucker, you’re at a 10—let’s bring it down to PBS levels.”
Conan
If media actually wanted to help unite the country, what would it do differently?
Jordan Klepper
Start by telling people what’s true, not what’s trending. And maybe let scientists and teachers talk more than that one angry guy who thinks wind turbines cause cancer.
Tiffany Haddish
More joy, more real stories. Show people from different sides laughing together, not just yelling. Maybe even bring back cooking shows where nobody gets called a communist.
Stephen Colbert
Create space for nuance. Like, let’s normalize saying, “I don’t know” on live television. Imagine a news anchor saying, “We’re still learning.” The studio might explode.
Kevin Hart
Make it like a group text. Everyone talks, nobody yells, and we all get memes at the end. That's America. Not this shouting match with commercial breaks.
Conan O’Brien
I want a new channel—Humility News. Anchors say “Oops,” pundits admit they’re winging it, and weather guys just cry and point at clouds.
Conan O’Brien – Closing Thoughts
Fox may be a network, but it’s also a metaphor—for the louder parts of America that feel unheard.
The real challenge isn’t turning the volume down—it’s asking why the noise felt necessary in the first place.
Next up: Who really runs America—the voter, or the narrative? Spoiler alert: someone’s definitely holding the puppet strings, and we’re gonna cut a few.
Topic 5: Who Really Runs America – The Voter or the Narrative?
Conan O’Brien – Opening Remarks
Welcome to the final round of existential dread disguised as comedy.
Tonight’s question: Do the people still run America—or have they been replaced by algorithms, pundits, and guys named “TruthWarrior1488” with YouTube channels?
Let’s rip the curtain open.
Conan
Are voters really in charge—or are we just reacting to narratives scripted by media, tech, and political elites?
Bill Burr
Of course we’re not in charge. You ever tried reading a ballot? It’s like IKEA instructions written by a lawyer on mushrooms. They want you confused—so you give up and vote for the name you recognize from a yard sign.
Ziwe
Let’s be honest—power isn’t about voting, it’s about framing. You’re not choosing between ideas, you’re choosing between hashtags someone already A/B tested on middle America.
Bo Burnham
We’re just bouncing around inside a pinball machine called “narrative.” You vote, but the machine tilts, and the ball still ends up in the gutter. And then there's a pop-up ad for a crypto scam.
Dave Chappelle
You think you’re voting? Nah. You’re just picking which magician distracts you while the money disappears. Real power’s not on the ballot—it’s backstage with the people counting the tickets.
Conan O’Brien
I once voted in a local election and got a coupon for a free smoothie. That felt like the most honest political transaction I’ve ever had.
Conan
If narratives are controlling the game, who’s writing them—and who actually benefits?
Ziwe
Media, tech bros, politicians—and let’s not forget the merch teams. Someone’s getting rich off chaos. You can’t trademark “nuance,” but you can slap “I WILL NOT COMPLY” on a hoodie and sell out.
Bill Burr
It’s cable news, social media, and whatever the hell QAnon is. They keep you mad, because calm people don’t click. It’s all about clicks. Rage is good for business.
Bo Burnham
We don’t even need writers anymore—the algorithm writes it. It’s like improv comedy, but the audience is a data set and the punchline is mass hysteria.
Dave Chappelle
The ones benefiting? The folks who never show their face. CEOs, donors, old men in leather chairs with cigars talking about "controlling the narrative" like it’s a chess game. And we’re just the pawns doing TikTok dances on fire.
Conan O’Brien
I think the writers are just Reddit threads with better lighting. Whoever benefits? Definitely not me. I’m still paying for Peacock Premium like a sucker.
Conan
So how do we reclaim civic trust—how do we give people real power back in a world run by curated outrage?
Bo Burnham
You can’t go back. But maybe you can go inward. Turn off the feed, have a thought, write it down—not for likes, just to remember who you are without the scroll.
Bill Burr
I say we bring back boredom. Let people sit still long enough to get their brains back. You know what happens when you’re bored? You think. And thinking is like kryptonite to propaganda.
Ziwe
We need transparency. Not just from the media, but from ourselves. Like: why do we believe what we believe? And who profits from us being scared, mad, or smug?
Dave Chappelle
You want power back? Start listening more than you talk. Power isn’t just loud—it’s aware. And when people become aware, systems get nervous.
Conan O’Brien
Or we could just unplug the whole internet for a week and see who survives. My money’s on Amish Twitter.
Conan O’Brien – Closing Thoughts
So who runs America?
Depends who you ask—and who you’re allowed to hear.
But maybe the real question isn’t “Who’s in charge?” Maybe it’s: What are we letting lead us—fear, noise, or actual thought?
And if the answer makes you laugh and cry at the same time... congratulations. You’re still awake.
Final Thoughts by Conan O’Brien
So... what have we learned?
That war is now sponsored by ad revenue.
That national identity comes with a remote control.
That “America First” is sometimes just code for “Everyone Else Later, Maybe.”
And that the people supposedly in charge... probably aren’t.
But we’ve also learned that laughter cuts through spin. That comedians, for all their flaws, have one unfair advantage: they’re allergic to bulls**t.
They don’t pretend to have the answers. But they will point out the absurdity of the questions.
And maybe that’s the real power left in this country—not in political parties or media empires, but in moments where we can laugh honestly, think freely, and say, “Yeah... that’s messed up. But at least we’re still talking.”
Thanks for sticking around. Now go vote—or at least fact-check your uncle.
Short Bios:
Conan O’Brien
Veteran late-night host, comedy writer, and podcast king. Known for self-deprecating wit and razor-sharp cultural commentary.
Kevin Hart
One of the world’s top stand-up comedians and actors. Blends high energy with relatable, working-class perspectives.
John Oliver
Host of Last Week Tonight. British-born comedian famous for deep dives into complex political and media topics with biting satire.
Hasan Minhaj
Former Daily Show correspondent and creator of Patriot Act. Known for fusing personal narrative with global critique.
Wanda Sykes
Veteran comedian and actress with a fearless voice. Blends sharp political takes with personal insight and bold humor.
Dave Chappelle
Iconic stand-up artist known for his philosophical, controversial, and fearless comedy exploring race, power, and truth.
Trevor Noah
South African-born comedian and former host of The Daily Show. Offers global perspective with keen wit and warmth.
Ali Wong
Comedian, writer, and actress. Known for raw, hilarious takes on identity, motherhood, and social hypocrisy.
Jim Gaffigan
Clean, observational comic known for food, family, and subtle political barbs disguised as Midwest dad jokes.
George Carlin (legacy voice)
Late comedy legend. Known for blistering takedowns of politics, media, and institutional power—timeless and prophetic.
Sarah Silverman
Bold, subversive voice in comedy. Blends moral questions with absurdity and self-aware provocations.
Roy Wood Jr.
Comedian and Daily Show veteran. Combines laid-back storytelling with sharp political and racial commentary.
Bo Burnham
Comedian, musician, and filmmaker. Uses introspective, multimedia performance to explore anxiety, media, and modern life.
Stephen Colbert
Late-night host and former satirical conservative on The Colbert Report. Master of irony, cultural analysis, and political humor.
Jordan Klepper
Field correspondent for The Daily Show. Known for brilliantly absurd interviews with real-world political extremists.
Tiffany Haddish
High-energy actress and comic with raw, fearless charisma. Turns life’s mess into unfiltered humor.
Bill Burr
Boston-born curmudgeon. Rants against hypocrisy, groupthink, and political correctness with brutal honesty.
Ziwe
Satirical interviewer and cultural disruptor. Uses uncomfortable comedy to confront race, privilege, and power dynamics.
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