Mark Goulston’s Just Listen Explores Communication Strategies

Hello, everyone! I am so thrilled to introduce a series of imaginary conversations that have the potential to change the way you connect, communicate, and truly listen. At the heart of every meaningful relationship—whether personal or professional—is the ability to understand and validate one another. And that’s exactly what these discussions are all about.

We’re diving into powerful themes like the art of listening, the magic of empathy, and how to build trust and rapport in every interaction. You’ll hear from some of the greatest minds—visionaries like Mark Goulston, Celeste Headlee, Ximena Vengoechea, Julian Treasure, and so many more. These experts have dedicated their lives to studying how we can become better communicators and, ultimately, better humans.

Imagine being able to truly connect with those around you, even during life’s toughest conversations. Imagine building relationships that aren’t just surface-level but deeply fulfilling. That’s what these conversations promise to deliver—tools and insights to help you thrive in every area of your life.

So, whether you’re here to strengthen your relationships, resolve conflicts, or simply learn how to be present for the people you love, you’re in the right place. Get ready to take notes, laugh, and be inspired, because these conversations are going to touch your heart and expand your mind.

Let’s begin this journey of transformation—together!

The Power of Listening and Empathy

Nick Sasaki: Welcome, everyone, to today’s discussion on "The Power of Listening and Empathy." This is a topic I know each of you has explored deeply, so let’s dive in. Mark, let’s start with you. Why is listening such a powerful tool for connection?

Mark Goulston: Thanks, Nick. Listening isn’t just hearing words—it’s about making the other person feel understood. When you truly listen, you create a bridge between yourself and others. Empathy is the key to building trust, and it starts with letting people know they matter. In my work, I’ve seen how even the smallest act of attentive listening can transform relationships.

Nick Sasaki: That’s powerful, Mark. Celeste, in your book We Need to Talk, you also emphasize the importance of listening. How does this apply in today’s fast-paced, often digital world?

Celeste Headlee: Great question, Nick. In a world filled with distractions, listening has become a lost art. People are so focused on what they’ll say next or on their devices that they miss the opportunity to truly connect. I always say that listening is a skill—it takes practice. One of the most practical tips I give is to stop multitasking during conversations. Give your full attention to the person in front of you. It sounds simple, but it’s transformative.

Nick Sasaki: Ximena, your book Listen Like You Mean It offers tools for deeper listening. Could you share one with us?

Ximena Vengoechea: Absolutely, Nick. One tool I emphasize is "listening for the unsaid." Often, people reveal their true feelings not in what they say, but in how they say it—through tone, pauses, or body language. For example, if someone says, "I’m fine," but their voice wavers, there’s likely more beneath the surface. Asking gentle, open-ended questions like, "Can you tell me more about that?" can invite them to share.

Nick Sasaki: That’s such a great reminder to look beyond words. Julian, your book How to Be Heard delves into both speaking and listening. How do you see these as connected?

Julian Treasure: They’re two sides of the same coin, Nick. If you want to be heard, you need to make others feel heard first. This reciprocity is crucial. One technique I teach is the acronym RASA: Receive, Appreciate, Summarize, and Ask. It’s a practical framework for active listening. You show you’re receiving their message, appreciate it with small acknowledgments, summarize what they’ve said, and then ask questions to dive deeper. This builds trust and ensures understanding.

Nick Sasaki: I love that—RASA is such a memorable framework. Mark, Celeste, Ximena, do you have similar techniques you recommend?

Mark Goulston: I have something I call "The Magic of Mirror Neurons." When you listen deeply and reflect back what someone is feeling, they experience a sense of relief, as if you’ve lifted a weight off their shoulders. It’s not just about repeating their words but truly understanding and validating their emotions.

Celeste Headlee: I agree. One thing I encourage is embracing silence. When we’re uncomfortable with silence, we tend to interrupt or rush the conversation. But pausing allows the other person to reflect and share more. It’s amazing how much you can learn just by holding space.

Ximena Vengoechea: Building on that, I suggest what I call "empathetic detours." Sometimes, conversations don’t go as planned. Instead of steering back to your agenda, follow where the other person wants to go. It shows you value their perspective.

Nick Sasaki: Such practical advice! Julian, let’s close with you. In your work, you emphasize the impact of sound on communication. How does this tie into listening and empathy?

Julian Treasure: Sound is a huge part of communication, Nick. Even the tone of your voice can convey empathy or undermine it. I teach people to use a "warm" tone—lower pitch, slower pace, and softer volume—to create a safe space for others. When you pair that with active listening, the results are profound.

Nick Sasaki: Thank you all for these incredible insights. Listening and empathy truly are superpowers, and you’ve given us so many tools to practice them. I hope our audience leaves inspired to listen with intention and connect on a deeper level.

Managing Emotional Reactions

Nick Sasaki: Welcome back, everyone. Today, we’ll explore how to manage emotional reactions—a topic that touches all aspects of our lives, from personal relationships to professional interactions. Mark, let’s start with you. You talk about the "amygdala hijack." Could you explain what it is and why it’s so important to address?

Mark Goulston: Absolutely, Nick. The "amygdala hijack" happens when our brain's emotional center takes over, often triggered by stress or perceived threats. When this happens, rational thinking shuts down, and we respond with fight, flight, or freeze. It’s critical to calm this reaction because until the emotional storm settles, effective communication is nearly impossible.

Nick Sasaki: That makes sense—when emotions take over, logic can take a back seat. Susan, in your book Emotional Agility, you focus on handling emotions constructively. How does emotional agility help in these situations?

Susan David: Emotional agility is about accepting your emotions without letting them control you. One key practice is to "name it to tame it." When you label what you’re feeling—like anger, fear, or frustration—you activate the rational part of your brain and reduce the power of the emotional reaction. This simple step can help you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

Nick Sasaki: Gabor, your work often connects emotions to deeper experiences, like trauma. How can understanding these roots help us manage emotional reactions better?

Dr. Gabor Maté: That’s a great question, Nick. Emotional reactions are often rooted in unresolved experiences from our past. For instance, if someone reacts disproportionately to criticism, it might stem from a childhood where they felt judged or unsupported. By becoming curious about these patterns and addressing the underlying wounds, people can learn to respond rather than react. Self-compassion is a vital part of this process.

Nick Sasaki: That’s profound, Gabor. Loretta, your book Habits of a Happy Brain explains how our brain chemistry affects emotions. What role do brain chemicals play in managing reactions?

Loretta Breuning: It’s all about the balance of our "happy chemicals" like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. When these chemicals are depleted, our brain defaults to stress responses, triggering the amygdala. One way to counteract this is to create new habits that stimulate these chemicals—like practicing gratitude, celebrating small wins, or connecting with others. These habits rewire the brain over time, making it easier to manage emotional reactions.

Nick Sasaki: I like that—a scientific approach to rewiring our brains. Mark, what are some practical tools you recommend for calming the amygdala during heated moments?

Mark Goulston: One simple technique is deep breathing. It sounds basic, but when you slow your breathing, you signal to your brain that you’re safe. Another tool is visualization. Picture a calming scene or someone you trust; this can help shift your emotional state quickly. I also recommend what I call "time-outs for adults." Just taking a moment to step away and reflect can make all the difference.

Nick Sasaki: Those sound incredibly actionable. Susan, do you have any quick tips for people who find themselves overwhelmed by emotions?

Susan David: Yes! I encourage people to practice "tiny tweaks." Instead of trying to suppress or change a strong emotion all at once, focus on one small step—like reframing a negative thought or writing down what you’re feeling. These incremental shifts can lead to greater emotional balance over time.

Nick Sasaki: Gabor, any final advice for someone struggling with recurring emotional triggers?

Dr. Gabor Maté: I’d say, be gentle with yourself. Emotional triggers are not flaws; they’re messages. Listen to them with curiosity instead of judgment. Therapy or mindfulness practices can help uncover the source of these triggers and teach you to navigate them with more ease.

Nick Sasaki: Loretta, let’s close with you. What’s one long-term strategy for rewiring the brain to manage emotions better?

Loretta Breuning: Build what I call "new emotional highways." Focus on creating positive associations and habits that gradually replace old, reactive patterns. It takes consistent practice, but over time, you can train your brain to default to calmer, more constructive responses.

Nick Sasaki: Thank you, Mark, Susan, Gabor, and Loretta, for these incredible insights. Managing emotions is something we all struggle with at times, but your advice makes it feel doable. 

Building Rapport Through Validation

Nick Sasaki: Welcome to today’s discussion on "Building Rapport Through Validation." It’s a key ingredient in meaningful communication, and we’re fortunate to have experts here to share their insights. Mark, let’s start with you. In Just Listen, you emphasize the power of validation. Why is it so critical?

Mark Goulston: Thanks, Nick. Validation is about making people feel seen and heard, and that’s the foundation of trust. When you validate someone’s emotions, you’re telling them, "You matter." It’s not about agreeing or disagreeing but acknowledging their experience. This opens the door for deeper connection and collaboration.

Nick Sasaki: Vanessa, your work in Cues focuses on decoding behavior. How does understanding nonverbal communication help in building rapport and offering validation?

Vanessa Van Edwards: Great question, Nick. Nonverbal cues often speak louder than words. Simple things like maintaining eye contact, nodding, and mirroring someone’s posture signal, "I’m with you." When paired with verbal validation—like summarizing what the other person says—you create a powerful sense of alignment. It’s about showing, not just saying, that you understand.

Nick Sasaki: Marshall, your Nonviolent Communication framework is built on empathy and validation. Could you share how it applies to building rapport?

Marshall Rosenberg: Of course. In Nonviolent Communication, the key is to connect with the feelings and needs behind someone’s words. For example, if someone says, "You never listen to me," instead of reacting defensively, you might say, "It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated because your needs for understanding aren’t being met." This validates their experience and shifts the conversation toward resolution.

Nick Sasaki: That’s such a transformative way to respond. Erica, in Digital Body Language, you address rapport in virtual settings. How do we validate others when face-to-face communication isn’t possible?

Erica Dhawan: Excellent point, Nick. In virtual settings, validation often comes through written tone and responsiveness. Simple actions like replying promptly, using someone’s name, or starting with a positive acknowledgment—"Great point, Mark"—can create a sense of presence and respect. Emojis and punctuation, when used thoughtfully, can also convey warmth and empathy.

Nick Sasaki: It’s fascinating how digital tools can mimic in-person validation. Mark, you mentioned in your book the idea of "emotional back-and-forth." Could you explain that?

Mark Goulston: Sure, Nick. Emotional back-and-forth means creating a rhythm of give-and-take in conversations. When you validate someone’s feelings, they feel safe enough to open up more, and this deepens the connection. It’s like a dance—each step builds on the last.

Nick Sasaki: Vanessa, are there any practical techniques for starting this "dance" of validation?

Vanessa Van Edwards: Yes! One simple technique is to use "bridging phrases" like "That makes sense," "I can see why you feel that way," or "Tell me more." These phrases encourage the other person to keep sharing, reinforcing the bond.

Nick Sasaki: Marshall, how would you approach someone who’s resistant to opening up or feels invalidated?

Marshall Rosenberg: I’d focus on active empathy. Even if someone doesn’t open up right away, consistently showing that you’re listening without judgment can break down barriers over time. Asking questions like, "What’s most important to you right now?" can also help uncover their needs.

Nick Sasaki: Erica, any specific advice for overcoming resistance in digital communication?

Erica Dhawan: Yes, Nick. In digital settings, clarity is key. Ambiguity can make people feel dismissed or misunderstood. If you sense resistance, acknowledge it directly: "I noticed you seem hesitant. Is there anything I can clarify or support you with?" This validates their perspective and invites collaboration.

Nick Sasaki: Fantastic. Let’s wrap up with one takeaway from each of you. Mark?

Mark Goulston: Lead with empathy. When people feel understood, they’ll naturally open up and trust you more.

Vanessa Van Edwards: Use nonverbal and verbal cues together to show you’re fully engaged.

Marshall Rosenberg: Focus on the feelings and needs behind someone’s words to build genuine understanding.

Erica Dhawan: In digital spaces, be intentional and clear in your tone and responsiveness to create a validating presence.

Nick Sasaki: Thank you all for these incredible insights. Validation is such a simple concept, but its impact on relationships is profound. I hope our audience feels empowered to use these tools in their own lives.

Guiding Conversations with the Persuasion Cycle

Nick Sasaki: Welcome, everyone, to our discussion on "Guiding Conversations with the Persuasion Cycle." This concept is all about leading people from resistance to action, and I’m excited to hear your perspectives. Mark, you outline this cycle in Just Listen. Could you explain its stages and why they’re important?

Mark Goulston: Thanks, Nick. The Persuasion Cycle is a framework that guides someone from resistance to openness, then to considering, willing, doing, and finally feeling glad they acted. Each stage builds trust and reduces resistance. It’s critical because persuasion isn’t about pushing people—it’s about aligning with them and addressing their emotional needs.

Nick Sasaki: That’s a great start. Chris, in Never Split the Difference, you focus on negotiation, which often involves persuasion. How do you apply these principles in high-stakes situations?

Chris Voss: Absolutely, Nick. The key is tactical empathy—understanding what’s driving the other person’s resistance. I use tools like mirroring and calibrated questions to help people feel heard and guide them toward considering alternatives. For example, instead of saying, "You need to do this," I might ask, "What would need to happen for this to work for you?" It shifts the dynamic from resistance to collaboration.

Nick Sasaki: That’s powerful, Chris. Jonah, your book The Catalyst explores why people change their minds. How does this align with the persuasion cycle?

Jonah Berger: Great question. Change happens when you reduce barriers rather than increase pressure. For example, if someone is resistant to an idea, instead of arguing, focus on removing the friction—like fear of loss or uncertainty. Persuasion is about making it easier for people to take the next step, which aligns perfectly with moving them through the stages of the Persuasion Cycle.

Nick Sasaki: Carmen, your work in Impossible to Ignore focuses on making messages memorable. How does memory play a role in persuasion?

Carmen Simon: Memory is critical, Nick, because people act on what they remember, not what they forget. If your message doesn’t stick, you can’t guide them through the persuasion process. I recommend using repetition, emotion, and storytelling to anchor your ideas in their minds. For example, tying a message to a vivid visual or an emotional story makes it more likely they’ll recall and act on it later.

Nick Sasaki: That’s fascinating. Mark, what do you think is the biggest mistake people make when trying to persuade others?

Mark Goulston: They push too hard, too fast. Persuasion isn’t about convincing someone on the spot—it’s about creating an environment where they feel safe enough to lower their defenses. Rushing the process can backfire and increase resistance.

Nick Sasaki: Chris, do you have a strategy for overcoming someone’s initial resistance?

Chris Voss: Yes, Nick. One technique I use is what I call the "No-Oriented Question." Instead of asking, "Do you agree?" which might feel pushy, I ask, "Would it be ridiculous to consider this?" It gives them a sense of control while subtly shifting their mindset toward openness.

Nick Sasaki: Jonah, how do you address someone who’s stuck in the "considering" stage of the cycle?

Jonah Berger: I focus on reducing uncertainty. For example, offering a trial period or a money-back guarantee removes the risk and makes it easier for them to move forward. People need to feel that taking action is safe and reversible.

Nick Sasaki: Carmen, how can we make sure that someone who’s acted feels "glad they did," the final stage of the cycle?

Carmen Simon: Follow-up is crucial. Reinforce their decision by reminding them of the benefits they’ve gained. Use positive stories or testimonials to show how others have succeeded after taking the same action. Creating a sense of validation strengthens their commitment.

Nick Sasaki: Let’s wrap up with one actionable takeaway from each of you. Mark?

Mark Goulston: Slow down. Meet people where they are emotionally and guide them step by step.

Chris Voss: Use calibrated questions to turn resistance into collaboration.

Jonah Berger: Remove barriers. Focus on making it easy for people to take the next step.

Carmen Simon: Make your message memorable by using emotion, visuals, and repetition.

Nick Sasaki: Thank you all for this enlightening discussion. Guiding conversations through the persuasion cycle is an invaluable skill, and you’ve provided so many practical insights. I hope our audience feels inspired to try these techniques in their own lives.

Practical Techniques for Better Communication

Nick Sasaki: Welcome to today’s discussion on "Practical Techniques for Better Communication." Communication is at the heart of every relationship, and I’m excited to dive into actionable strategies with our incredible panel. Mark, let’s start with you. What’s one technique from Just Listen that you believe anyone can use to improve their communication today?

Mark Goulston: Thanks, Nick. One of my favorite techniques is what I call "The Power Thank You." It’s about going beyond a simple "thank you" to express why someone’s actions meant so much to you. For example, "Thank you for taking the time to help me. It showed me how much you care, and I really appreciate it." This deepens connections and makes people feel valued.

Nick Sasaki: That’s powerful, Mark. Adam, in Think Again, you talk about the importance of rethinking and curiosity in conversations. How does this apply to practical communication?

Adam Grant: Great question, Nick. One practical technique is to lead with questions instead of statements, especially when there’s disagreement. For example, instead of saying, "You’re wrong about this," try asking, "What led you to that conclusion?" This invites collaboration instead of confrontation and helps uncover shared ground.

Nick Sasaki: Jay, your book Think Like a Monk offers wisdom on staying mindful in communication. What’s one technique you recommend for better conversations?

Jay Shetty: Thanks, Nick. One technique I often share is "Pause to Respond." When we rush to speak, we often react emotionally instead of thoughtfully. Taking a moment to breathe and reflect before responding helps ensure your words come from a place of intention, not impulse. It’s a simple but powerful way to communicate with clarity and respect.

Nick Sasaki: That’s a great reminder to slow down. Vanessa, your book Cues focuses on the role of nonverbal communication. What’s one practical tip for improving nonverbal cues in conversations?

Vanessa Van Edwards: Absolutely, Nick. One of the easiest ways to improve nonverbal communication is through open body language. Keep your arms uncrossed, maintain steady eye contact, and lean slightly forward. These cues signal interest and warmth, making the other person feel comfortable and heard. Pairing this with verbal affirmations like "I see what you mean" enhances the connection.

Nick Sasaki: Mark, let’s circle back to you. What’s a common communication mistake people make, and how can they fix it?

Mark Goulston: One big mistake is jumping to fix someone’s problem before they’ve finished explaining it. A better approach is to practice "empathetic listening." Use phrases like, "That sounds really challenging," or "Tell me more about how that felt." This shows you’re fully present and allows the other person to feel understood.

Nick Sasaki: Adam, how can we apply the concept of "rethinking" to fix communication breakdowns?

Adam Grant: Start by embracing humility. Acknowledge when you don’t know something or when you’ve made a mistake. Saying, "I hadn’t thought of it that way before," can diffuse tension and reopen the lines of communication. It’s about being flexible and willing to learn from the other person.

Nick Sasaki: Jay, what’s one way mindfulness can help us navigate difficult conversations?

Jay Shetty: Focus on your intention. Before entering a tough conversation, ask yourself, "What’s my purpose here?" If your goal is to resolve a conflict, not to win an argument, your tone and approach will naturally shift toward collaboration and kindness. This mindset makes even challenging discussions more productive.

Nick Sasaki: Vanessa, what’s one way we can use nonverbal communication to rebuild trust after a misunderstanding?

Vanessa Van Edwards: Start with congruence—making sure your words and body language match. For example, if you’re apologizing, avoid crossing your arms or looking away. Maintain open posture and steady eye contact to reinforce sincerity. A small but impactful touch, like a reassuring pat on the arm (when appropriate), can also help rebuild trust.

Nick Sasaki: Let’s close with one takeaway from each of you. Mark?

Mark Goulston: Listen with the intention of making the other person feel understood, not just heard.

Adam Grant: Lead with curiosity and humility—it’s the fastest way to open up meaningful dialogue.

Jay Shetty: Practice mindful pauses to ensure your words reflect your true intentions.

Vanessa Van Edwards: Use open body language to show warmth and build trust in every interaction.

Nick Sasaki: Thank you all for these fantastic insights. Communication is an essential skill, and you’ve provided such actionable advice that anyone can start using today. I’m grateful for this enriching conversation.

Short Bios:

Mark Goulston is a psychiatrist, executive coach, and the author of Just Listen, a guide to mastering communication and building meaningful connections. Known for his expertise in empathy and active listening, Mark helps individuals and organizations foster trust and improve relationships.

Celeste Headlee is a journalist, public speaker, and the author of We Need to Talk, a book that provides actionable advice on having better conversations. With a focus on empathy and meaningful dialogue, Celeste advocates for listening as a powerful tool to bridge divides.

Ximena Vengoechea is a researcher, writer, and the author of Listen Like You Mean It. She specializes in teaching individuals how to listen deeply and connect authentically, drawing on her background in user experience research to offer practical tools for effective communication.

Julian Treasure is a sound expert and the author of How to Be Heard. His work focuses on the power of listening and speaking effectively, emphasizing the role of sound and voice in building rapport and improving communication.

Susan David is a psychologist, speaker, and the author of Emotional Agility. Her work explores how to manage emotions constructively, promoting self-awareness and resilience in communication and decision-making.

Dr. Gabor Maté is a physician and author specializing in trauma, addiction, and emotional well-being. His insights help individuals uncover the roots of emotional reactions and develop greater self-compassion and understanding.

Loretta Breuning is a neuroscientist and the author of Habits of a Happy Brain. She focuses on the role of brain chemistry in emotions and habits, offering strategies to rewire thought patterns for better communication and emotional regulation.

Marshall Rosenberg (posthumously) was a psychologist and the creator of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). His work centers on empathetic listening, validation, and addressing needs to foster mutual understanding and resolve conflicts.

Erica Dhawan is a leadership expert and the author of Digital Body Language. She provides insights on building trust and rapport in virtual and hybrid communication environments, emphasizing clarity and empathy in digital interactions.

Chris Voss is a former FBI hostage negotiator and the author of Never Split the Difference. His expertise lies in tactical empathy and negotiation strategies, offering tools for persuasion and effective conflict resolution.

Jonah Berger is a marketing professor and the author of The Catalyst. He explores the science of influence and persuasion, focusing on how to reduce resistance and drive change in personal and professional interactions.

Carmen Simon is a cognitive neuroscientist and the author of Impossible to Ignore. She studies memory and decision-making, helping people craft messages that are memorable and impactful for effective communication.

Adam Grant is an organizational psychologist and the author of Think Again. He explores rethinking and open-mindedness as tools for improving communication and fostering collaboration in diverse settings.

Jay Shetty is a former monk, motivational speaker, and the author of Think Like a Monk. He teaches mindfulness and intentional communication to help individuals connect deeply and navigate difficult conversations.

Vanessa Van Edwards is a behavioral researcher and the author of Cues. She specializes in nonverbal communication and teaches practical techniques for decoding body language, building rapport, and fostering trust.