Mark Gungor’s Finding the One: Realistic Keys for Lasting Love

Hello, everyone! Today, we’re diving into a truly fascinating imaginary conversation that I know will resonate with so many of you. We all have questions about love, relationships, and what it takes to build something that lasts, right?

Well, you’re in for a treat because we have a panel of incredible minds coming together to discuss just that! From relationship experts to thought leaders, these voices bring their wisdom, experience, and perspectives on one of life’s most important journeys—finding and maintaining lasting love.

At the heart of this discussion is none other than Mark Gungor, the author of Finding the One. He’s joined by brilliant experts like Dr. John Gottman, known for his groundbreaking work on relationship science, and the inspiring Brené Brown, who always pushes us to be more vulnerable and authentic. They’ll be talking about everything from the myth of 'the one' to the importance of emotional maturity and spiritual alignment in relationships. And believe me, there’s going to be a lot of 'aha' moments in this conversation.

So, sit back and get ready to take notes because this isn’t just any conversation—it’s an insightful journey into what it really takes to build love that lasts.

The Myth of the "One" and the Power of Choice

Mark Gungor: I think the biggest misconception people have about relationships is this idea of “the one.” It’s like there’s this belief that a single person out there is destined for you, and once you find them, everything will magically fall into place. But that’s not how real relationships work. In my experience, love is a choice. You choose to commit, to love, and to work at it every day. If we get hung up on the idea of finding the one perfect person, we miss out on so many opportunities to build something great with someone who may not seem perfect at first glance but can become the right person through mutual effort and understanding.

Esther Perel: Yes, I completely agree, Mark. I’ve seen it countless times in my work. People enter relationships with these huge expectations that one person will fulfill all their emotional needs, and when they don’t, they think they’ve made a mistake, that perhaps their “one” is still out there. But love isn’t about finding someone to complete you—it’s about creating something together, choosing to grow and evolve with someone. The pressure to find “the one” creates anxiety and dissatisfaction. We need to redefine success in relationships, where it’s about learning to live with and love someone for who they are, not some idealized version.

Gary Chapman: Absolutely, Esther. My work with The 5 Love Languages highlights this very concept. Relationships thrive not when we find the perfect person, but when we learn to speak each other’s love language, when we choose to communicate love in a way that resonates with our partner. It’s an active process of understanding and choosing love. People sometimes say, "I fell out of love," but love is not something you fall into or out of. It's something you nurture. If we wait around for “the one,” we neglect the real work required to make any relationship successful.

Harville Hendrix: What you’re saying resonates deeply with the principles of Imago Therapy. Instead of focusing on finding “the one,” couples need to recognize that conflict, frustration, and differences are not signs that they’ve picked the wrong person. Rather, they’re opportunities for healing and growth. You’re not finding someone who already fits perfectly—you’re discovering how to grow together, how to heal childhood wounds and old patterns. Relationships require a conscious choice to love, commit, and evolve.

Mark Gungor: That’s the key, Harville—commitment. People think love is all about emotions, and when the emotions fade, they panic. But those of us who’ve been in long-term relationships know that the emotions come and go. What keeps a relationship strong is the commitment to work through the tough times. The idea of “the one” can be damaging because it makes people think that if things aren’t easy, they’ve made the wrong choice. In reality, the hard times are what make the relationship deeper, more meaningful.

Esther Perel: I think that’s such an important point, Mark. The hard times are not a sign to quit, but an invitation to understand more about yourself and your partner. In my work, I’ve found that when we stop idealizing the other person and start accepting the reality of who they are, that’s when true intimacy begins. We realize that love is not about perfection but about connection, even through the difficult times.

Gary Chapman: And it’s in those difficult times that understanding each other’s love languages can be so powerful. When you choose to love your partner in the way they need to be loved, even when you don’t feel like it, you’re strengthening the relationship. It’s an intentional act, not just something you feel when things are easy. That’s why I always say love is a choice, not a feeling.

Harville Hendrix: Exactly, Gary. And when you make that choice, you’re not only nurturing the relationship, but you’re also creating a space for both partners to grow and heal. Relationships are not static; they’re dynamic, and they require ongoing work. But that’s where the beauty lies—when both partners are committed to growing together, the relationship becomes a source of transformation and healing.

Mark Gungor: Yes, that’s what people often miss. The search for “the one” can make them blind to the fact that relationships are meant to evolve. You don’t find the perfect person and live happily ever after. You find someone you can grow with, someone who’s willing to work through life’s challenges with you. That’s where the real power of choice comes in—choosing to love someone every single day, through the ups and downs.

Esther Perel: Absolutely, Mark. And I would add that the choice to love is also the choice to see your partner as a continuously evolving person, not a fixed entity. If we approach relationships with the mindset that our partner is going to grow and change over time, we can embrace those changes rather than fear them. That’s where the real intimacy and connection lie—not in finding “the one,” but in choosing to evolve together.

Self-Improvement and Emotional Maturity

Mark Gungor: I believe that one of the biggest keys to a successful relationship is working on yourself first. Too many people think they need to find someone who will "complete" them, but that's not how it works. You have to be the best version of yourself before you can build a healthy relationship with someone else. Emotional maturity, self-awareness, and taking responsibility for your own happiness are essential. If you’re not happy with yourself, no partner, no matter how perfect, is going to fix that.

Brené Brown: Exactly, Mark. Emotional maturity plays a huge role in how we show up in relationships. If we don’t understand our vulnerabilities, or if we haven’t done the work to heal our past, we tend to bring unresolved baggage into our relationships. We end up blaming our partners for things they didn’t create. It’s crucial to realize that we are responsible for our own happiness, our own emotional well-being. When we bring that level of self-awareness and maturity into a relationship, it changes everything. It allows for deeper connection and understanding because we’re not projecting our issues onto the other person.

Tony Robbins: I couldn’t agree more. The idea of self-improvement being the foundation for any successful relationship is a core part of what I teach. Personal growth isn’t just about achieving success in business or health—it’s about growing emotionally and spiritually, so you can bring your best self into all areas of life, especially your relationships. When you elevate your own standards and work on your emotional fitness, you naturally attract and maintain a higher quality relationship. People often want the perfect partner, but they forget they need to be the kind of person that a great partner would want to be with.

Louise Hay: That’s a beautiful point, Tony. I always tell people that love starts within. You cannot truly love another person if you don’t love yourself first. And that love isn’t about being selfish or self-centered—it’s about knowing your worth, healing your past wounds, and not expecting someone else to do that for you. Self-improvement, self-love, and emotional healing are all parts of this process. Once you’ve done the inner work, you’re able to enter a relationship from a place of abundance, not neediness or insecurity.

Mark Gungor: Absolutely, Louise. The idea that a relationship will magically fix everything is a common misconception. If you haven’t done the work on yourself, you’re going to bring all your unresolved issues into the relationship, and that will create problems. Personal growth has to come first. And like you said, Tony, people often have a long list of what they want in a partner, but they don’t spend enough time becoming the kind of person their ideal partner would want to be with. It’s not just about finding the right person; it’s about being the right person, too.

Brené Brown: That’s spot on, Mark. One thing I’ve found in my research is that when people avoid doing the work on themselves, they tend to fall into patterns of blaming their partners for their own unhappiness. They think their partner should meet all their emotional needs, but that’s unrealistic. Emotional maturity means understanding that no one can meet all of your needs, and it’s unfair to expect that. It’s about taking responsibility for your own emotional health.

Tony Robbins: Yes, and when you reach that point of emotional fitness, it’s a game-changer in relationships. You stop looking to your partner to make you happy or to fix your problems. Instead, you bring your best self to the table, and that creates an environment for the relationship to thrive. Relationships are not about two incomplete people trying to complete each other. They’re about two whole people coming together to share a life. That’s where the magic happens—when both individuals are committed to their own growth and to supporting each other’s growth.

Louise Hay: I love how you put that, Tony. It really is about two whole people coming together. When you love yourself and take responsibility for your own well-being, you stop being dependent on someone else for your happiness. And that’s when you can truly love your partner in a healthy way—without expectations, without trying to control them, but simply loving them for who they are. That’s why self-improvement is so important. You cannot give what you don’t have. If you don’t have love and respect for yourself, it’s very difficult to offer it to someone else.

Mark Gungor: Exactly, Louise. And that’s where emotional maturity comes in. It’s the realization that a relationship isn’t going to be the solution to all your problems. If you’re emotionally mature, you understand that a healthy relationship requires work, patience, and growth from both people. It’s not about finding someone to save you or complete you—it’s about finding someone you can grow with. But for that to happen, you have to be willing to do the work on yourself first.

Brené Brown: And doing the work on yourself can be tough, but it’s so worth it. It requires vulnerability, self-awareness, and a willingness to face the parts of yourself that you might not like. But when you do that, you become a better partner. You stop expecting someone else to fix you, and you become a more compassionate, understanding, and loving person. That’s the real key to building a strong, lasting relationship—doing the inner work first.

Shared Values, Goals, and Spiritual Alignment

Mark Gungor: One of the key factors in a lasting relationship is alignment on core values and goals. I’ve seen so many couples who are deeply in love but have completely different visions for their future. They haven’t talked about their goals, their beliefs, or what they want in life, and eventually, those differences create a divide. Shared values and goals provide a foundation for a relationship to grow. It’s not just about love and passion—it’s about being on the same page when it comes to the big things in life.

Deepak Chopra: I agree, Mark. Shared values create a sense of purpose and unity in a relationship. When partners have a common spiritual or philosophical foundation, it strengthens their bond. For me, the spiritual aspect of alignment is crucial. When two people share a spiritual practice or belief system, it brings a deeper level of connection. It allows the relationship to transcend the everyday challenges because the couple has a higher purpose they are working towards together. Spiritual alignment, in particular, can provide a sense of peace and direction, even during difficult times.

Wayne Dyer: That’s such a powerful point, Deepak. When I talk about relationships, I often emphasize that love isn’t just about physical or emotional attraction—it’s also about shared intentions. If two people have different life goals, it’s hard to create a lasting relationship. You can love each other deeply, but if one person wants to live a life of adventure and the other wants stability and security, there’s going to be tension. That’s why it’s so important for couples to discuss their values and long-term goals early on. It’s not just about where you are today but where you both want to go.

Gabrielle Bernstein: Yes, Wayne. In my work, I always stress the importance of shared spiritual beliefs or a common understanding of life’s purpose. When two people are aligned on their core beliefs—whether it’s how they view the world, their spiritual practice, or their sense of purpose—they can navigate challenges with more grace. Spiritual alignment doesn’t mean you have to believe in the same exact things, but you need to have a mutual respect and understanding of each other’s journey. When you share these deeper values, the relationship becomes a safe space for growth and transformation.

Mark Gungor: That’s right, Gabrielle. I always tell couples that love is not enough. Yes, love is important, but without shared values and goals, it’s very hard to maintain a relationship in the long run. You need to have a shared vision for your life together. This is why I encourage couples to have serious conversations early on about their beliefs, values, and what they want from life. It’s not enough to just hope that love will fix everything. You need to be on the same page, spiritually, emotionally, and in terms of your life goals.

Deepak Chopra: Exactly, Mark. Relationships are a journey of growth, and that journey is much smoother when both partners are aligned in their values and goals. Spiritual alignment, in particular, allows couples to face challenges with a sense of calm and purpose. When both partners are committed to personal and spiritual growth, they help each other evolve. They don’t see difficulties as something to be feared but as opportunities to grow together. This shared spiritual foundation brings a sense of peace and fulfillment that goes beyond the physical and emotional aspects of the relationship.

Wayne Dyer: I couldn’t agree more, Deepak. Relationships that are grounded in shared values and spiritual alignment have a higher level of resilience. When couples have a shared sense of purpose, they are better equipped to handle the inevitable challenges that life throws their way. It’s not just about surviving the tough times—it’s about growing from them. When two people are spiritually aligned, they can find meaning in both the highs and the lows, and that strengthens their bond.

Gabrielle Bernstein: Yes, Wayne. And when you have shared values and a common spiritual alignment, you don’t just see the relationship as something that fulfills your own needs—you see it as a space where both partners can grow, heal, and support each other’s evolution. That’s where the real magic happens. You’re no longer just focused on getting something from the relationship; instead, you’re both contributing to a shared vision. And that’s what makes a relationship truly fulfilling.

Mark Gungor: Exactly, Gabrielle. And that’s why I think shared values and goals are non-negotiable. If you and your partner have different views on the big issues—like family, money, or spirituality—you’re going to struggle down the road. Love can only take you so far. At some point, you have to be on the same page about the direction your life is going. When you have that alignment, it makes everything else in the relationship so much easier.

Deepak Chopra: Yes, shared values and spiritual alignment create a foundation of trust and mutual respect. It’s not about controlling each other’s beliefs or actions—it’s about supporting each other’s growth and finding common ground. When both partners are committed to their own spiritual path, as well as the path of the relationship, it creates a harmony that carries them through life’s challenges. That’s the beauty of shared values and spiritual alignment.

The Importance of Communication, Forgiveness, and Compromise

Mark Gungor: One of the most critical components of a successful relationship is communication. It’s not just about talking, but really understanding each other. I’ve seen so many couples struggle because they aren’t on the same page when it comes to communication. They’re either not expressing their needs clearly or not listening to their partner’s needs. Effective communication is key to resolving conflicts, building trust, and keeping the relationship healthy. Without it, things can unravel pretty quickly. And when mistakes happen, which they always do, forgiveness and compromise become essential.

John Gottman: Absolutely, Mark. My research has shown that it’s not the amount of conflict that determines the success of a relationship, but how couples handle that conflict. The ability to repair after a disagreement is what separates thriving couples from those who struggle. This is where communication, forgiveness, and compromise come into play. Couples who can communicate openly, apologize when needed, and compromise are far more likely to have lasting, satisfying relationships. In my work, I’ve found that understanding your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it, is a cornerstone of healthy communication.

Marshall Rosenberg: That’s a great point, John. When I developed Nonviolent Communication, I wanted to help people communicate in a way that fosters empathy and connection rather than conflict. Often, we enter conversations with the intention of defending ourselves or proving we’re right, rather than understanding the other person. When couples learn to express their feelings and needs without blame or judgment, it creates a space for true connection. Forgiveness, in this context, becomes easier because you’re not holding on to resentment—you’re focused on understanding and empathizing with your partner’s experience.

Sue Johnson: I completely agree, Marshall. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we focus on attachment and how communication patterns either strengthen or weaken that bond. When partners can communicate openly and vulnerably, it reinforces their connection. But when communication breaks down, the emotional bond starts to fray. And this is where forgiveness is so critical. Every couple will have moments of disconnection, but if they can forgive each other and move forward, their bond will become stronger. Compromise is also a vital part of this process. No one gets their way all the time in a relationship—it’s about finding solutions that work for both partners.

Mark Gungor: Yes, Sue. Forgiveness and compromise are such important tools in keeping a relationship healthy. People often think that compromise means giving up or losing, but in reality, it’s about finding a middle ground where both partners feel heard and respected. Relationships require both give and take. If one person always gets their way, it breeds resentment. And without forgiveness, even small conflicts can fester and grow into something much larger. Forgiveness allows you to let go of past hurts and move forward, rather than holding on to anger or disappointment.

John Gottman: And it’s interesting, Mark, because many people think that successful relationships are those without conflict, but that’s simply not true. Every couple argues, but what matters is how they communicate during and after the conflict. I’ve seen couples who are masters at repair after a fight—they acknowledge the hurt, they express empathy, and they work towards a resolution. This ability to forgive and move forward is what makes those relationships thrive. They don’t let small issues snowball into larger ones because they address them through communication and forgiveness.

Marshall Rosenberg: And communication is about more than just talking—it’s about how you talk. Nonviolent Communication teaches that we must express our needs and emotions without blaming the other person. When we blame, we create defensiveness. But when we speak from a place of vulnerability, it invites the other person to connect with us rather than argue. This opens the door to forgiveness because you’re focusing on understanding, not on being right. Compromise becomes natural in this kind of environment because both partners are focused on mutual understanding and empathy.

Sue Johnson: That’s so true, Marshall. Vulnerability is at the heart of healthy communication. When couples feel safe enough to express their fears, needs, and desires without fear of judgment or rejection, their relationship becomes much stronger. In fact, most conflicts arise from unexpressed or misunderstood needs. If you can communicate those needs effectively, without anger or blame, you can often resolve the issue before it becomes a bigger problem. And when things do go wrong, as they inevitably will, forgiveness allows couples to move past the hurt and rebuild their connection.

Mark Gungor: Yes, it all ties together—communication, forgiveness, and compromise are like the glue that holds a relationship together. Without communication, you can’t resolve conflicts or understand each other’s needs. Without forgiveness, you hold on to grudges that eventually erode the relationship. And without compromise, the relationship becomes unbalanced, with one person always giving in and the other always getting their way. All of these elements work together to create a strong, healthy partnership.

John Gottman: Exactly, Mark. And it’s important for couples to realize that none of this happens overnight. It takes time and practice to develop healthy communication habits, to learn how to forgive, and to find a balance in compromise. But the effort is worth it. When couples put in the work to communicate effectively, forgive easily, and compromise fairly, they create a relationship that can weather any storm.

Realistic Expectations and Long-Term Connection

Mark Gungor:
One of the biggest issues I see in relationships today is the unrealistic expectations people bring into them. Many people expect their relationship to be like a fairy tale—filled with constant happiness, excitement, and romance. But the reality is, life isn’t a movie. There are ups and downs, mundane days, and difficult seasons. When people don’t expect those challenges, they think something is wrong with the relationship, when, in fact, it’s just life. Long-term connection comes from accepting that relationships are not perfect and that love requires work, patience, and a commitment to growing together through the inevitable challenges.

Michele Weiner-Davis:
I couldn’t agree more, Mark. In my work as a marriage therapist, I see so many couples who believe that if they’re not constantly feeling “in love,” there must be something wrong. But that’s simply not true. The emotional highs of early love naturally fade over time, and that’s when the real work of a relationship begins. The key is understanding that the long-term connection is about more than just romance—it's about partnership, shared goals, and building a life together. Couples need to focus less on chasing the high of romance and more on cultivating a deep, lasting bond.

Matthew Hussey:
Exactly, Michele. I often tell people that relationships are not always exciting, and that’s okay. The foundation of a long-term connection is not based on constant passion but on shared values, mutual respect, and the ability to navigate life’s challenges together. People set themselves up for disappointment when they expect their partner to fulfill every need or to always keep the spark alive. A relationship is about creating a partnership where both people feel supported, even in the mundane or difficult times. That’s what makes a relationship strong in the long run—not the intensity of the passion, but the consistency of the connection.

Alain de Botton:
That’s such an important point, Matthew. One of the things I’ve written about is the idea that we romanticize relationships to the point where we expect perfection. But the reality is that we’re all flawed, and so are our relationships. The challenge—and beauty—of a long-term relationship lies in accepting those imperfections and learning to love someone despite them. True love isn’t about finding a perfect partner; it’s about creating something real and enduring with an imperfect person. That’s where the depth of connection comes in—when you can see each other’s flaws and still choose to stay, grow, and support one another.

Mark Gungor:
Exactly, Alain. One of the things I always tell couples is to stop focusing on what they think their relationship should be and instead focus on what it is. No relationship is without challenges, but that doesn’t mean it’s broken or doomed. When people have realistic expectations, they can approach the tough times with a sense of patience and understanding. They know that those moments don’t define the relationship—they’re just part of the journey. And when couples accept this, they create space for a deeper, more meaningful connection that goes beyond surface-level romance.

Michele Weiner-Davis:
That’s a great point, Mark. I often talk to couples about the importance of focusing on what’s going well in their relationship, rather than what’s missing. So many people fall into the trap of comparing their relationship to an idealized version of what they think it should be. But when they shift their focus to the positive aspects of their relationship—the ways they support each other, the life they’ve built together—they start to see their partner in a new light. This shift in perspective can help couples reconnect on a deeper level, even during tough times.

Matthew Hussey:
Yes, and that’s why it’s so important to set realistic expectations from the beginning. I always tell people to go into relationships with their eyes open, knowing that it won’t always be easy or exciting. But if they’re with someone who shares their values and goals, and if they’re willing to put in the work, they can create a strong, lasting connection. It’s not about having a perfect relationship—it’s about creating a partnership that can weather life’s storms. And when couples do this, they often find that their connection deepens over time, even if the initial passion fades.

Alain de Botton:
I think what’s important to emphasize here is that the idea of a perfect relationship is not only unrealistic but also harmful. It sets people up for failure because they’re constantly chasing something that doesn’t exist. A long-term relationship is about compromise, forgiveness, and a willingness to grow together. It’s about recognizing that the person you’re with is not perfect, and neither are you, but that you can create something beautiful together despite those imperfections. When couples accept this reality, they can build a deeper, more meaningful connection that lasts over time.

Mark Gungor:
Exactly, Alain. It’s all about perspective. When couples understand that relationships are not about perfection but about progress, they can let go of the unrealistic expectations that lead to disappointment. They can focus on building something real, something that can withstand the ups and downs of life. And in doing so, they create a bond that is far stronger and more fulfilling than the fleeting excitement of romance. It’s that long-term connection, built on shared values and mutual respect, that sustains a relationship for the long haul.

Michele Weiner-Davis:
And that long-term connection is something that needs to be nurtured over time. It doesn’t happen automatically—it requires effort, patience, and a willingness to keep choosing each other, even when things aren’t perfect. Couples who understand this and who approach their relationship with realistic expectations are much more likely to create a deep, lasting bond. They know that love isn’t just something you feel—it’s something you do, day in and day out. And when couples commit to that, they build a relationship that can stand the test of time.

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