Mastering Relationship Conflicts: The Four Horsemen Solutions

Today, we're diving into one of the most important conversations for anyone in a relationship: how to handle conflict without letting it tear you apart. We’ve all been there—those moments when Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling rear their ugly heads, and suddenly, things feel impossible. But don’t worry, it doesn’t have to end that way!

I’m thrilled to bring together some of the top minds in relationship psychology and therapy, including Dr. John Gottman, Sue Johnson, Esther Perel, Brené Brown, Harville Hendrix, and the ever-entertaining Mark Gungor, to break down these destructive patterns and offer real, actionable solutions. Whether it’s through vulnerability, humor, or taking responsibility, these experts have the insights you need to build stronger, healthier connections.

So, grab a seat, maybe even a notebook, and get ready for a conversation that could truly transform the way you approach conflict in your relationships. And remember—this is an imaginary conversation with some of the best minds on the topic, but the wisdom is very real. Let’s jump in!

Introduction to the Four Horsemen

Nick Sasaki: Welcome, everyone! Today, we’re discussing a topic that impacts relationships everywhere—John Gottman’s concept of the Four Horsemen. These negative communication patterns—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—can predict the downfall of relationships if not addressed. But more importantly, we’ll dive into the antidotes that can transform conflict into opportunities for growth. John, could you start us off by explaining what led to the development of this concept?

John Gottman: Thank you, Nick. The idea of the Four Horsemen emerged from my long-term research on couples, where we observed how certain patterns of communication either strengthened or undermined relationships. Over time, we could see that couples who exhibited these four negative behaviors—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—were more likely to experience dissatisfaction and even divorce. The key realization was that it’s not the conflict itself that’s harmful, but how couples handle it. When these patterns appear, and especially when they go unchecked, they erode the relationship over time.

Nick Sasaki: That’s powerful. Sue, you’ve worked extensively with couples as well. What’s your take on why these communication patterns become so damaging?

Sue Johnson: It’s about emotional safety, Nick. When one partner criticizes or shows contempt, it triggers a fight-or-flight response in the other. People feel emotionally unsafe, and they start to shut down or defend themselves. Attachment theory, which is the foundation of my work, shows that we need secure emotional bonds in relationships. The Four Horsemen break those bonds by creating disconnection and fear. But the good news is that when couples learn to recognize these patterns and replace them with healthier communication, they can rebuild trust and emotional safety.

Nick Sasaki: Absolutely, that emotional safety is crucial. Esther, in your work, you talk a lot about how modern relationships are evolving. Do you see these patterns playing out differently in today’s context?

Esther Perel: Yes, Nick. What I find fascinating is that while the Four Horsemen are universal, the context of relationships today—especially with the pressures of modern life, social media, and changing expectations—often amplifies them. We expect our partners to be everything for us: lovers, best friends, emotional supporters, and more. When these expectations aren’t met, Criticism and Contempt can easily take root. People become defensive because they feel they’re failing in roles they were never meant to fulfill alone. Modern relationships need to move away from perfectionism and back toward partnership—where conflict becomes a chance to understand each other more deeply.

Nick Sasaki: That’s a great point—partnership rather than perfection. Brené, your work on vulnerability ties into this as well. How does vulnerability help couples avoid falling into these negative patterns?

Brené Brown: Vulnerability is key, Nick. Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling are all ways we protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable. When we criticize, we’re avoiding the risk of admitting, "I feel hurt" or "I need something." When we defend ourselves, we’re protecting our ego from the shame of failure. But when couples embrace vulnerability, they say, "I’m willing to be open about my emotions and needs." That kind of honesty breaks the cycle of defensiveness and contempt. It creates space for empathy and connection, which are the antidotes to these toxic patterns.

Nick Sasaki: That’s a great segue to you, Harville. Your Imago Therapy is all about creating that connection through dialogue. How do you see couples moving away from the Four Horsemen toward healthier communication?

Harville Hendrix: In Imago Therapy, we focus on structured dialogue, which means listening to your partner with the intent to truly understand, rather than react. This process helps couples avoid Criticism and Defensiveness by creating a space where both partners feel heard. I often say, conflict is growth trying to happen. The Four Horsemen block that growth by keeping couples stuck in reactive loops. But when couples slow down, communicate mindfully, and listen to each other, they begin to see conflict as an opportunity to deepen their connection.

Nick Sasaki: Beautifully put—conflict as growth trying to happen. Mark, I want to bring you in here. You have a unique way of using humor to talk about these serious issues. How can humor help couples recognize and address the Four Horsemen?

Mark Gungor: Oh, humor is a game-changer, Nick! When couples are caught in the middle of Criticism or Defensiveness, they’re often too emotionally charged to see what’s happening. Humor helps by diffusing that tension. It allows couples to take a step back and laugh at themselves a little. When I do my seminars, I point out how ridiculous some of our behaviors are—like Stonewalling, where one partner just shuts down like a robot. When couples can laugh together about their patterns, it makes it easier to address them without feeling attacked or ashamed. It’s a way to break down the walls and start rebuilding that emotional connection.

Nick Sasaki: That’s a fantastic perspective, Mark. Humor can be a powerful tool for healing. We’ve set the stage well for understanding how these negative patterns impact relationships. As we move into our next topics, we’ll dive deeper into each of the Four Horsemen and their antidotes. Stay tuned for more!

Criticism vs. Gentle Start-up

Nick Sasaki: Now that we’ve laid the groundwork, let’s move into our first deep dive—Criticism and its antidote, the Gentle Start-up. Criticism is one of the most common issues that couples face, but it’s also one of the easiest to address when recognized early. John, could you explain why Criticism is such a damaging pattern?

John Gottman: Absolutely, Nick. Criticism goes beyond simply complaining about a specific behavior. It attacks the other person’s character, making them feel inadequate or defective. For example, if one partner says, "You never listen to me," that’s not just a complaint; it’s a character attack implying that the person is always neglectful. Over time, this erodes trust and intimacy, making the criticized partner feel hurt, defensive, and less willing to engage in healthy communication. The antidote to this is what we call the Gentle Start-up, which focuses on bringing up issues in a way that avoids blaming or attacking.

Nick Sasaki: Sue, you’ve worked with countless couples. How do you teach them to shift from Criticism to using a Gentle Start-up in their communication?

Sue Johnson: I always tell couples that the way you begin a conversation often determines how it will end. If you start with an attack, you’ll get a defensive response, and the conflict escalates. The Gentle Start-up involves expressing your feelings without assigning blame. For example, instead of saying, "You never help with the kids," you could say, "I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed with parenting lately, and I’d love some extra help from you." You’re still addressing the issue, but you’re doing it in a way that invites cooperation rather than conflict. It’s all about framing the issue as something that can be solved together.

Nick Sasaki: Esther, you’ve spoken about the power dynamics in relationships, particularly when it comes to criticism. How do you see the Gentle Start-up helping couples navigate power imbalances?

Esther Perel: Criticism often comes from a place of frustration or unmet needs, but it can create a power struggle where one partner feels superior and the other feels inferior. The Gentle Start-up helps diffuse that dynamic by removing the attack and focusing on collaboration. When you approach a conflict from a place of partnership—saying, "This is what I’m feeling, and I’d love your support"—you’re inviting your partner into a dialogue rather than creating a hierarchy. It balances the power dynamic and restores equality in the conversation, which is key for maintaining mutual respect.

Nick Sasaki: Brené, your work focuses so much on vulnerability. How does vulnerability play a role in moving from Criticism to a Gentle Start-up?

Brené Brown: Vulnerability is everything in this context, Nick. Criticism often comes from a place of fear—fear of not being enough or of not being heard. When we criticize, we’re protecting ourselves from feeling vulnerable by putting the blame on our partner. But vulnerability is the antidote to this. It takes courage to say, "I feel overwhelmed" or "I need your help," because you’re opening yourself up to the possibility of rejection. But in that moment of vulnerability, you create space for connection. The Gentle Start-up is really about making that shift from protecting yourself with criticism to opening up with vulnerability.

Nick Sasaki: Harville, in Imago Therapy, you emphasize dialogue as a key tool for connection. How can couples use dialogue to practice a Gentle Start-up and avoid Criticism?

Harville Hendrix: In Imago Therapy, we encourage couples to use what we call the Intentional Dialogue technique. This involves mirroring, validating, and empathizing with your partner’s feelings. When couples are in conflict, it’s easy to slip into Criticism, but by structuring their communication, they can avoid this pitfall. For example, if one partner starts by expressing their feelings with a Gentle Start-up—"I feel frustrated when I see the house is messy"—the other partner mirrors back: "I hear that you’re feeling frustrated." This kind of dialogue slows the conversation down and prevents escalation. It helps both partners feel heard and respected, which is the foundation for healthy communication.

Nick Sasaki: That’s a great technique. Mark, how do you approach Criticism in your seminars? I imagine humor plays a big role in helping couples shift their approach.

Mark Gungor: Oh, definitely! I always say that Criticism is like throwing a grenade into your relationship—you might feel better in the moment, but you’re blowing things up. The Gentle Start-up, on the other hand, is like offering an olive branch. In my seminars, I like to show couples how ridiculous their criticisms sound when they’re taken out of context. For example, I might role-play a situation where someone says, "You never do anything right!" and exaggerate it to show how unhelpful it is. Then, I’ll flip it and show how they can use a Gentle Start-up instead. Couples often laugh because they recognize themselves in these exaggerated scenarios. Humor helps them see the absurdity of Criticism and makes it easier to try something new.

Nick Sasaki: Humor definitely helps to break down those defenses. So, as we’ve heard today, Criticism is one of the most common ways couples can hurt their relationship, but it’s also something that can be addressed with the right tools. The Gentle Start-up gives couples a way to express their needs without creating conflict. In our next topic, we’ll dive into perhaps the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen—Contempt—and its antidote, Building Appreciation.

Contempt vs. Building Appreciation

Nick Sasaki: Welcome back, everyone. Now we move on to what John has called the most toxic of the Four Horsemen—Contempt. Contempt involves attacking your partner’s sense of self with insults, sarcasm, or even mockery. It’s rooted in a sense of superiority, which can be incredibly damaging. But, as with all of the Four Horsemen, there is an antidote: Building Appreciation. John, can you explain why Contempt is so dangerous to a relationship?

John Gottman: Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen because it conveys disgust and disrespect, which completely undermines the emotional foundation of a relationship. When one partner expresses contempt, they’re not just criticizing a specific behavior—they’re sending the message that their partner is inferior or worthless. This can manifest through insults, mocking, eye-rolling, or sarcasm. Over time, these behaviors poison the relationship because they destroy any sense of mutual respect. The antidote, Building Appreciation, is about actively fostering an environment of respect and admiration by focusing on your partner’s positive qualities rather than their flaws.

Nick Sasaki: Sue, from your experience, why does Contempt become so deeply ingrained in some relationships, and how can couples shift toward Building Appreciation?

Sue Johnson: Contempt is often a symptom of deeper emotional wounds that haven’t been addressed. When one partner feels hurt or neglected over a long period of time, they may build up resentment, which eventually manifests as Contempt. It’s a defense mechanism—they’re trying to protect themselves by tearing the other person down. To counter this, I encourage couples to make a conscious effort to Build Appreciation. One simple but powerful exercise is to regularly share things they admire or appreciate about each other. Even small, everyday moments of appreciation—like thanking your partner for making dinner or acknowledging their hard work—can create a buffer against negative interactions. Over time, this practice of gratitude helps repair emotional bonds.

Nick Sasaki: That’s a great point about how small moments of gratitude can make a big difference. Esther, you’ve talked about the role of contempt in power dynamics. Can you elaborate on how couples can use Building Appreciation to level the playing field?

Esther Perel: Contempt often comes from a place of frustration, but also from a desire to reclaim power in the relationship. It’s a way for someone to assert dominance, to say, "I’m better than you," even if they’re not consciously aware of it. In modern relationships, where equality and mutual respect are crucial, Contempt is particularly toxic because it undermines the partnership dynamic. The antidote—Building Appreciation—is a way to shift the power balance back to equality. When you take the time to express appreciation, you’re acknowledging the value your partner brings to the relationship. It reminds both partners that they are in this together, as equals, rather than competitors.

Nick Sasaki: Brené, how does vulnerability tie into overcoming Contempt? It seems like Contempt is a way of avoiding vulnerability, much like Criticism.

Brené Brown: You’re absolutely right, Nick. Contempt is a shield we use to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable, especially when we feel hurt or disappointed in our partner. By expressing Contempt, we’re avoiding the much harder task of saying, "I’m hurt" or "I’m afraid I’m not being seen or valued." Vulnerability is the antidote to Contempt because it invites empathy. When couples choose to Build Appreciation, they’re making a conscious decision to be vulnerable by focusing on their partner’s strengths instead of their weaknesses. It’s a powerful way to reconnect and rebuild trust, even when there’s been deep hurt.

Nick Sasaki: Harville, in Imago Therapy, the idea of seeing your partner through a positive lens is central. How do you help couples move from Contempt to Building Appreciation in your practice?

Harville Hendrix: One of the exercises we use in Imago Therapy is called the Appreciation Dialogue, where couples take turns sharing what they value in each other. The goal is to shift the focus from what’s wrong with the relationship to what’s right. This can be a transformative experience because it reminds partners of the positive qualities that brought them together in the first place. Contempt arises when we focus on our partner’s flaws and forget the good. By consciously choosing to express appreciation—whether it’s for their kindness, their sense of humor, or even their patience—we begin to dissolve the resentment that fuels Contempt. The more you appreciate your partner, the less room there is for Contempt to grow.

Nick Sasaki: That’s such a powerful tool, Harville. Mark, you use humor to lighten up the conversation around serious issues like Contempt. How do you help couples recognize when Contempt is creeping in and replace it with appreciation?

Mark Gungor: Humor is a great way to break down the barriers of Contempt because it helps couples see just how absurd their behaviors can be. I often joke in my seminars that Contempt is like saying, "I married you, but I’m starting to think I made a mistake!" When couples recognize that they’re falling into these patterns, it gives them a chance to step back and say, "Wait a minute—this isn’t who we are." I encourage couples to use humor to poke fun at themselves, but then immediately follow it up with something positive, like an appreciation. So, if you catch yourself being sarcastic or mocking, stop and say something like, "I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. What I really want to say is, I appreciate all the hard work you’ve been doing lately." Humor opens the door, but appreciation keeps it open.

Nick Sasaki: That’s a great technique—using humor to defuse the situation and then focusing on appreciation. It’s clear that Contempt is one of the most dangerous communication patterns, but it’s also one that can be overcome with conscious effort. Building Appreciation is a powerful antidote because it shifts the focus from criticism and superiority to respect and gratitude. In our next topic, we’ll discuss Defensiveness and how taking responsibility can transform the way couples handle conflict. Stay tuned!

Defensiveness vs. Taking Responsibility

Nick Sasaki: Welcome back, everyone. Now that we’ve discussed Criticism and Contempt, let’s turn our focus to Defensiveness, another common pattern that can sabotage relationships. Defensiveness often arises when someone feels attacked and tries to protect themselves by shifting blame or making excuses. But the antidote to Defensiveness is simple yet transformative: Taking Responsibility. John, can you start us off by explaining how Defensiveness can derail communication and why taking responsibility is so important?

John Gottman: Absolutely, Nick. Defensiveness is what we call a self-protection mechanism. When someone feels criticized or attacked, their instinct is to defend themselves, often by denying any responsibility or blaming their partner. The problem is, when both partners are defensive, they get stuck in a loop where neither feels heard, and the conflict escalates. Defensiveness shuts down any chance for meaningful dialogue because it blocks the opportunity for understanding or problem-solving. The antidote is Taking Responsibility, even if it’s for a small part of the issue. When you own up to your role in the problem, it diffuses the tension and opens the door to resolving the conflict together.

Nick Sasaki: Sue, in your experience, why do people find it so difficult to take responsibility during conflict, and how do you help them overcome that?

Sue Johnson: People often struggle to take responsibility because admitting fault can feel vulnerable. It taps into our deeper fears of rejection or failure. When someone feels emotionally unsafe, their instinct is to protect themselves, which leads to defensiveness. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, I help couples create a safe space where they can express their fears and take responsibility without feeling judged or blamed. One of the most powerful steps a partner can take is to say, "You’re right, I did contribute to this issue, and I want to work on it." That simple acknowledgment can shift the entire conversation from blame to collaboration, helping both partners feel more connected.

Nick Sasaki: Esther, you’ve spoken a lot about the balance between self-protection and openness in relationships. How does Defensiveness tip that balance, and how does Taking Responsibility restore it?

Esther Perel: Defensiveness is all about self-protection. When we’re defensive, we’re protecting our ego, our sense of self-worth. But relationships thrive not on protection, but on openness. Defensiveness creates a barrier between partners—an "I’m right, and you’re wrong" dynamic. Taking Responsibility, on the other hand, shifts the focus away from winning an argument to understanding the relationship dynamic. It’s a humbling act that says, "I’m human, I make mistakes, and I’m willing to own them." In modern relationships, where mutual respect and collaboration are key, taking responsibility for even a small part of the conflict restores balance and allows both partners to approach the problem as a team.

Nick Sasaki: Brené, your work on shame and vulnerability seems to tie closely with Defensiveness. How does shame fuel Defensiveness, and how does vulnerability allow people to take responsibility?

Brené Brown: Shame is at the heart of Defensiveness, Nick. When we feel shame—when we’re afraid that we’re not enough or that we’ve failed—our instinct is to protect ourselves by deflecting blame. Defensiveness is often a way of saying, "I’m not the problem—you are." But vulnerability is the antidote to shame because it allows us to face our imperfections without fear. When we choose vulnerability over Defensiveness, we can say, "Yes, I made a mistake, and I’m willing to make it right." That act of taking responsibility transforms the conflict because it invites empathy and connection, rather than further escalation.

Nick Sasaki: That’s powerful—vulnerability as the gateway to taking responsibility. Harville, in Imago Therapy, how do you help couples move from Defensiveness to Taking Responsibility, and how does that change the dynamic of the relationship?

Harville Hendrix: In Imago Therapy, we focus on creating intentional dialogue between partners. Defensiveness happens when partners react from a place of reactivity rather than reflection. We teach couples to listen to each other with curiosity rather than judgment. When one partner shares their perspective, instead of defending yourself or shifting blame, we encourage the listener to ask, "What can I take responsibility for here?" Even if it’s a small part of the issue, this acknowledgment shifts the dynamic from opposition to collaboration. It creates a space where both partners feel heard and validated, which is essential for healing and growth in the relationship.

Nick Sasaki: That’s a great strategy—asking what you can take responsibility for in the moment. Mark, how do you use humor to help couples recognize when they’re being defensive and encourage them to take responsibility instead?

Mark Gungor: Humor is a great tool for breaking through Defensiveness because it helps people see their behavior from a different angle. In my seminars, I like to act out scenarios where one partner gets defensive and blames the other—things like, "Well, I wouldn’t have forgotten your birthday if you didn’t always remind me of it three weeks in advance!" It’s a ridiculous excuse, but people laugh because they recognize how silly Defensiveness can be. Once they see the humor in their own behavior, it becomes easier to say, "Okay, maybe I do have something to own up to here." Humor takes the sting out of taking responsibility, making it a lot easier for couples to move forward.

Nick Sasaki: That’s a brilliant way to soften the tension. As we’ve discussed, Defensiveness is one of the most common ways that couples can get stuck in conflict, but the solution—Taking Responsibility—is within reach for everyone. By acknowledging our role in the problem, we shift from blame to collaboration, which fosters deeper connection and understanding. In our final topic, we’ll explore Stonewalling, the act of shutting down emotionally, and how Self-Soothing can help partners stay engaged even in tough conversations.

Stonewalling vs. Self-Soothing

Nick Sasaki: Now we come to the final of the Four Horsemen—Stonewalling. Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws from the conversation or emotionally shuts down, which can leave the other partner feeling abandoned and frustrated. The antidote to this is Self-Soothing, a way to calm down and re-engage constructively in the conversation. John, can you explain how Stonewalling affects relationships and why Self-Soothing is so important?

John Gottman: Stonewalling is a physiological response to feeling overwhelmed, or what we call "flooding." When one partner is flooded, their heart rate increases, their body goes into fight-or-flight mode, and they simply cannot process any more information. They withdraw—either by shutting down emotionally, avoiding eye contact, or even physically leaving the room. While Stonewalling may seem like a way to avoid conflict, it actually makes things worse because it leaves the other partner feeling abandoned and unheard. Over time, repeated Stonewalling can lead to serious damage in the relationship because it prevents resolution. The antidote is Self-Soothing, which is about recognizing when you’re overwhelmed and taking time to calm down before returning to the conversation.

Nick Sasaki: Sue, Stonewalling often happens when emotions run high. How do you help couples recognize when they’re flooded, and how can Self-Soothing be implemented in the heat of the moment?

Sue Johnson: Recognizing the signs of flooding is key to preventing Stonewalling. When couples are in conflict and one partner starts to shut down, I encourage them to pay attention to their physical cues—things like a racing heart, tightness in the chest, or a feeling of wanting to escape. These are all signs that they’re overwhelmed. Self-Soothing is about taking a break before things escalate further. It’s not about avoiding the conflict, but about giving yourself the space to calm down and regain control. I often suggest that couples agree to take a 20-minute break when they feel flooded. During that time, they can do something that relaxes them—whether it’s taking a walk, deep breathing, or listening to calming music. After the break, they can come back to the conversation with a clearer mind and a more open heart.

Nick Sasaki: That’s great advice, Sue. Esther, in your work, you’ve mentioned that Stonewalling can sometimes be a result of deeper emotional issues. How does Self-Soothing help couples address those underlying concerns?

Esther Perel: Stonewalling often signals that one partner feels emotionally overwhelmed or powerless in the relationship. It can be a defense mechanism against deeper feelings of inadequacy, fear, or frustration. When someone shuts down, they’re essentially saying, "I can’t handle this." Self-Soothing allows them to step away and manage those emotions before re-engaging. It also gives both partners the chance to reflect on what’s really happening beneath the surface. Once they’ve calmed down, they can return to the conversation with a more honest and open mindset, which is crucial for addressing those deeper emotional issues. Self-Soothing isn’t just about calming your body; it’s also about calming your mind and creating space for emotional honesty.

Nick Sasaki: Brené, your work focuses so much on emotional resilience. How does practicing vulnerability help couples move from Stonewalling to Self-Soothing, and why is that vulnerability important?

Brené Brown: Vulnerability plays a crucial role here because Stonewalling is often a way to avoid vulnerability. When we shut down, it’s because we’re trying to protect ourselves from emotional discomfort. But in order to self-soothe effectively, we need to be vulnerable with ourselves first—we need to acknowledge that we’re feeling overwhelmed, scared, or out of control. That’s not easy to do, but it’s necessary. Once we accept those emotions, we can take the necessary steps to calm down without shutting our partner out. Self-soothing through vulnerability means admitting, "I’m really struggling right now. I need a moment to regroup." This creates a bridge back to the conversation and opens the door for empathy and connection, rather than distance and isolation.

Nick Sasaki: That’s such an important point—vulnerability is not about weakness but about reconnecting. Harville, in Imago Therapy, how do you help couples break the cycle of Stonewalling and teach them to self-soothe in a way that still fosters connection?

Harville Hendrix: In Imago Therapy, we teach couples to recognize when they’re in what we call "defense mode" and to practice what we call the Pause Button technique. When one partner starts to feel overwhelmed and wants to stonewall, they can press the imaginary pause button and say, "I need a break." The key here is that the break is temporary and intentional. Both partners know it’s not an escape but a way to regroup and return to the conversation with more clarity and calmness. During the break, the partner who feels flooded can self-soothe—whether it’s through deep breathing, mindfulness, or simply sitting quietly. The important part is that both partners agree to come back and continue the conversation once they’ve calmed down. This helps maintain the connection while giving space for emotional regulation.

Nick Sasaki: That’s a great technique—pressing the pause button to ensure the conversation can continue constructively. Mark, you often use humor to defuse tension in relationships. How can couples recognize Stonewalling before it gets too far, and how can humor help break the ice?

Mark Gungor: Oh, humor is a great way to prevent Stonewalling from spiraling out of control. When couples are in the thick of it and one partner starts to shut down, I encourage them to recognize it and even call it out in a light-hearted way. For example, if you notice your partner withdrawing, you might say something like, "Oh no, are we about to have a Stonewalling moment? Should I start building a wall here?" It’s a playful way to acknowledge what’s happening without adding more tension to the situation. It also opens the door for the partner who’s shutting down to say, "Yeah, I need a minute." Humor helps couples take a step back, recognize the pattern, and then practice Self-Soothing so they can return to the conversation in a healthier way.

Nick Sasaki: I love that—using humor to gently call attention to the problem while making space for a solution. As we’ve heard today, Stonewalling can be one of the hardest behaviors to deal with because it feels like a dead end. But with Self-Soothing, couples can step away from the heat of the moment, calm down, and return to the conversation with clarity and openness. This concludes our exploration of the Four Horsemen and their antidotes—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Thank you all for your insights and wisdom. I hope this conversation has provided our audience with tools to navigate conflict and build stronger, healthier relationships.

Short Bios:

John Gottman: A renowned psychologist and marriage researcher, John Gottman is best known for his work on relationship dynamics and predicting divorce through his "Four Horsemen" theory.

Sue Johnson: Clinical psychologist and founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Sue Johnson is an expert in attachment theory and relationship counseling, focusing on emotional connection in couples.

Esther Perel: A psychotherapist and author, Esther Perel is celebrated for her work on modern relationships, intimacy, and navigating power dynamics in love and commitment.

Brené Brown: A research professor, Brené Brown is known for her studies on vulnerability, shame, and resilience, helping individuals embrace emotional honesty and connection.

Harville Hendrix: Co-founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, Harville Hendrix is a relationship expert who focuses on helping couples heal through mindful dialogue and empathy.

Mark Gungor: A motivational speaker and relationship expert, Mark Gungor is famous for using humor to help couples navigate the complexities of marriage and improve communication.