Neil Simon Plaza Suite Reimagined: Suite Surprise

Characters

RICHARD NASH — late 60s, a polished executive. Charismatic in boardrooms, awkward in living rooms.

MAGGIE NASH — mid 30s, his daughter; divorce lawyer, sharp as a blade, tired of fighting.

TOM NASH — early 30s, his son; startup entrepreneur on his third "pivot," eternally optimistic.

LYDIA CHEN — late 20s, Richard's secretary for eight years; brilliant, direct, and protective of Richard in ways that complicate tonight.

BELLHOP — 20s, has seen everything, judges nothing, narrates like he's in on the cosmic joke.

EVENT CAPTAIN — 40s–50s, aggressively competent, views chaos as a personal insult.

Setting

A sumptuous Plaza-style suite. A sitting room with French doors to a bedroom. Bar cart, coffee table. A tiered cake sits covered on a side table. A banner reads: HAPPY RETIREMENT, DAD! But one end has come loose and it droops like a question mark. Balloons everywhere—one already deflated, clinging sadly to a lampshade.

Time: Early evening.

Prologue

(Lights up. The BELLHOP enters, adjusting his name tag.)

BELLHOP
Hotels are confessionals without priests. People check in, drop their masks at the door—right next to their luggage—and become who they really are.

Tonight's special: a retirement party for a man who doesn't know he's retiring. Or maybe he does and he's pretending he doesn't. The kids spent money. There's cake. There's a secret that's not as secret as they think.

(He straightens the banner. It sags immediately.)

The thing about surprises? Somebody always gets hurt. But that's families. They're basically emotional demolition derbies with seating charts.

(He exits. Lights shift.)

(Note: This is an imaginary conversation, a creative exploration of an idea, and not a real speech or event)

Scene 1 — The Setup

(MAGGIE stands on a chair wrestling with the banner. TOM fumbles with tape.)

MAGGIE
Hold it straight. You're listing like a tax return under audit.

TOM
My side is straight. Your side has opinions.

MAGGIE
(steps down, squints)
Does it say "Happy Retirement" or "Happ... Why... Tire... Dad"?

TOM
It says, "We're trying and failing at equal volume."

MAGGIE
When did you last see him?

TOM
Christmas. Three years ago. He Zoomed in from Singapore.

MAGGIE
He was in Jersey.

TOM
Same emotional distance.

(A balloon pops. Both jump.)

MAGGIE
That's the sound of our childhood.

TOM
(checks phone)
Text from Lydia: "We're five minutes out."

MAGGIE
"We"? Since when is his secretary a plural?

TOM
Since she scheduled his colonoscopy and knew before we did?

MAGGIE
That's not intimacy, Tom. That's Outlook.

TOM
(gestures to table)
Relax. I got the cake.

(MAGGIE lifts the blanket. Freezes.)

MAGGIE
Why does the cake say "LYDIA ♥ RICHARD"?

TOM
(grins, then realizes)
Oh. Okay. That's... the bakery guy asked what I wanted, and I panicked—

MAGGIE
And your panic chose romance?

TOM
They're always together! I thought maybe—I don't know—late-life love? Dad deserves happiness!

MAGGIE
Dad deserves a cardiologist, not frosting gossip. What if she sees this?

TOM
We keep the blanket on. We eat around the words.

MAGGIE
We eat around—Tom, we're not hostage negotiators.

TOM
Aren't we, though?

(Door handle jiggles. They freeze.)

MAGGIE
Positions. Smile like you're glad, not like you're hiding evidence.

(RICHARD enters with LYDIA. They're mid-conversation, laughing. He's in a suit, she's in business casual with a tablet.)

TOM
Well, we’re covered. We’ll keep the blanket on and say it’s a… surprise reveal later.

MAGGIE
Yes. The surprise is our open-plan nervous breakdown.

The door handle jiggles. Both freeze.

MAGGIE
Positions! Smile like you mean it, but not like you’re selling timeshares.

They take places—MAGGIE by the door, TOM by the lights.

RICHARD enters with LYDIA. They’re laughing; Richard’s coat is over his shoulder, briefcase in hand.

Scene 2 — The Collision

RICHARD
(seeing them)
Maggie? Tom? What on—

MAGGIE
(bright, controlled)
Surprise.

TOM
(too loud)
SURPRISE! I mean—hey, Dad.

RICHARD
How did you—what are you doing in—never mind. (kisses Maggie, pats Tom) This is unexpected.

MAGGIE
We wanted to celebrate your retirement.

RICHARD
My what?

TOM
Your last day. Freedom. Golf. The thing people do when they stop working.

RICHARD
Who told you I'm retiring?

MAGGIE
Lydia sent an email: "Mr. Nash's retirement timeline—family notification."

(All eyes turn to LYDIA. She winces.)

LYDIA
That was an internal draft. I hit "reply all" to the wrong Nash folder.

RICHARD
Lydia...

LYDIA
I'm so sorry. (to Maggie and Tom) Nothing is final. The board is still—

MAGGIE
So this isn't happening?

RICHARD
It's... under discussion. There are committees. Lawyers who bill by the semicolon.

TOM
We rented the suite. We bought—(gestures vaguely at covered cake)—items.

LYDIA
I should go.

RICHARD
No, stay. Have a drink. (to Maggie and Tom) She's been with me eight years. She knows where the bodies are buried.

MAGGIE
Professionally or personally?

LYDIA
Professionally. I'm very good at filing.

TOM
(too sincere)
We appreciate your filing.

(RICHARD notices the banner.)

RICHARD
Is that—

TOM
(hits lights)
Ta-da!

(The banner peels from the wall and droops into a sad arc. Another balloon pops.)

RICHARD
Kids, this is very thoughtful. Premature, but thoughtful.

MAGGIE
Dad, sit. Please. For five minutes, just... sit.

RICHARD
(sits reluctantly, checks watch, puts it away guiltily)
Five minutes.

TOM
I'll pour champagne.

(He wrestles with the wire on the bottle. MAGGIE watches LYDIA, who's checking her phone.)

MAGGIE
Lydia, are you... working right now?

LYDIA
I'm just—there's a call at nine that—

RICHARD
Cancel it.

LYDIA
It's the board.

RICHARD
Tell them I'm with my family.

LYDIA
(softly, to Richard)
They'll be upset.

RICHARD
Then they'll join the club.

(LYDIA types. TOM pops the cork with a BANG. Champagne geysers. Chaos.)

Scene 3 — The Unraveling

TOM
I regret everything!

RICHARD
And that's why I drink bourbon.

LYDIA
(laughing despite herself)
I'm sorry—

MAGGIE
You find this funny?

LYDIA
I find tonight... unprecedented.

RICHARD
(stands with the bottle)
A toast. (pours sloppily) To my children. Who ambushed me with love and balloons.

MAGGIE
Dad—

RICHARD
Let me finish. I know I haven't been... present. I missed things. Your graduation, Maggie. Your first funding round, Tom—

TOM
And the second. And the third. But who's counting?

RICHARD
I'm counting now. I thought I was building something for you. Instead, I built... walls with you on the other side.

(Beat. MAGGIE's face softens. Then—knock at the door. BELLHOP enters with champagne bucket.)

BELLHOP
Congratulations, Mr. Nash! Compliments of the hotel on your retirement!

MAGGIE
Shhhh!

BELLHOP
Oh. Was that privileged information?

RICHARD
It's complicated information.

BELLHOP
I specialize in complicated. (sets down bucket, eyes the cake) Shall I reveal the cake?

MAGGIE & TOM
NO!

BELLHOP
(to Tom, whispered)
Does the cake say something legally actionable?

TOM
Depends on who's reading.

BELLHOP
I once delivered a cake that said "Sorry About Your Wife." Turned out there were two wives. (heads to door) I'll be in the hall if you need emotional support or ice.

(He exits. LYDIA stands.)

LYDIA
Mr. Nash, I really should—

MAGGIE
Stay. We're all adults. We have utensils.

RICHARD
Maggie's right. Sit.

(MAGGIE whips off the blanket. The cake reveals: LYDIA ♥ RICHARD with pink hearts.)

(Long silence.)

Scene 4 — The Truth

LYDIA
(quietly)
Oh my God.

TOM
In my defense, the sample book was very confusing.

MAGGIE
(to Lydia)
Is there something we should know?

LYDIA
No. I'm not—we're not—

RICHARD
There's nothing to know.

MAGGIE
Then why is her name on a romantic cake with your name?

TOM
I thought they were close!

RICHARD
We are close. Professionally.

MAGGIE
How professionally?

LYDIA
Very. I know his calendar better than he does. I know his coffee order, his dry cleaner, the name of his cardiologist. But I'm not with him. Not the way this cake suggests.

MAGGIE
Then why are you here tonight? With him?

LYDIA
(long beat, then honest)
Because if he retires, he'll go home and sit in a chair and wait for the phone to ring. And it won't. And I've watched him work for eight years, and I thought—(to Richard)—I thought maybe if you didn't do this alone, it would be less frightening.

(Silence.)

RICHARD
(very quiet)
You think I'm frightened?

LYDIA
I think you're devoted. And I think when devoted people stop, they don't know who they are.

MAGGIE
(to Richard)
Is that true?

RICHARD
I don't know. I haven't stopped long enough to find out.

TOM
You could start now.

RICHARD
I wouldn't know how.

MAGGIE
You could start with us.

(Knock. EVENT CAPTAIN enters, clipboard at the ready.)

EVENT CAPTAIN
Good evening, Mr. Nash. Your remarks salon is ready. We've prepared a podium, a string quartet—"As Time Goes By" unless you prefer "My Way"—and a teleprompter in case emotion overwhelms.

RICHARD
There's no salon. This is just family.

EVENT CAPTAIN
Family is our specialty. Shall I cue the quartet?

MAGGIE
No quartet. No remarks. Just... leave us alone.

EVENT CAPTAIN
(notes cake)
Ah. The personalized inscription. How... intimate.

TOM
We're aware.

EVENT CAPTAIN
Of course. I'll see myself out and pretend I didn't read it frontways, backways, and emotionally.

(He exits.)

MAGGIE
(to Richard)
Do you want to retire?

RICHARD
I want options. I want to know what my son's working on without reading it in a press release. I want to know if my daughter still hates olives—

MAGGIE
More than taxes.

RICHARD
See? That's something. And I didn't know it. (beat) What else don't I know?

MAGGIE
That I'm getting divorced.

(Silence.)

TOM
What?

MAGGIE
Papers were filed last week. I didn't tell anyone because—(looks at Richard)—I didn't think you'd notice.

RICHARD
Maggie—

MAGGIE
You didn't come to the wedding. You sent a check and a card that said "Congratulations on your merger."

RICHARD
I was in Tokyo—

MAGGIE
You're always somewhere. And I learned how to be fine without you. But I'm not fine. I'm tired of being fine.

TOM
(to Richard)
My startup failed. Three months ago. I'm sleeping on a friend's couch and I owe investors money I'll never have. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to fix it. I wanted you to just... care.

(Long silence.)

RICHARD
I care.

MAGGIE
Then prove it. Right now. Make one choice that isn't about work.

(The suite phone rings. MAGGIE answers.)

MAGGIE
Suite seven-nineteen. (listens) Yes, he's here. (to Richard) It's Harold. The board wants a statement tonight confirming you'll stay on as Executive Emeritus for eighteen months—full portfolio, no break. They're sending a draft and need you on a call in five minutes.

(RICHARD looks at the phone in Maggie's hand. Then at Tom. Then at Lydia.)

RICHARD
What would you do?

MAGGIE
I would take the cake with my name on it, even if it's wrong, because at least someone thought of me.

TOM
I would stop trying to prove I'm worth your time and just... ask for it.

RICHARD
(to Lydia)
What would you do?

LYDIA
I would hang up the phone.

(Richard takes the phone from Maggie.)

RICHARD
Harold. Tell the board I'll respond in the morning. No statement tonight. No call. (listens to protest) I understand. But I'm with my family, and for once—for the first time in a very long time—that matters more.

(He hangs up. Silence. Then he opens the side table drawer, drops his cell phone inside, and closes it.)

MAGGIE
Did you just... drawer your phone?

RICHARD
For tonight. We'll negotiate tomorrow.

LYDIA
(stands)
I should go.

MAGGIE
Lydia—thank you. For telling the truth.

LYDIA
If anyone asks, I was never here and certainly never ate cake with my name on it.

TOM
We'll protect your frosting-based anonymity.

LYDIA
(to Richard)
You're lucky. Don't forget that.

RICHARD
I won't.

(LYDIA exits. RICHARD looks at his kids.)

RICHARD
I don't know how to do this. Be... here. Present. A father who shows up.

MAGGIE
Start with cake.

TOM
And then maybe coffee. Or a walk.

RICHARD
I can do that.

(The BELLHOP returns with plates and forks.)

BELLHOP
Cake service. Who wants the slice with someone else's name on it?

MAGGIE
We all do.

(He cuts. They take plates.)

RICHARD
(lifts his fork)
To one brave thing done badly. And to doing the next thing better.

MAGGIE
To not scheduling love.

TOM
To showing up.

LYDIA
(from offstage, calling back)
To filing correctly!

(They laugh. They eat. RICHARD finds the icing bag, adds a careful line under the names: & FAMILY.)

RICHARD
There. Now it's honest.

TOM
First time for everything.

MAGGIE
Dad, after this... can we walk? Just the three of us. No phone. Show us the city.

RICHARD
I would love that.

(They move toward the door. RICHARD stops, looks back at the suite—the drooping banner, the half-deflated balloon, the messy cake. He smiles.)

RICHARD
You know, this is the best retirement party I never planned.

MAGGIE
Give it time. You'll find a way to put it on a spreadsheet.

RICHARD
Not tonight.

(They exit together. Lights fade.)

Epilogue

(BELLHOP re-enters, surveys the wreckage.)

BELLHOP
See? Hotels aren't just buildings. They're laboratories for human behavior. Tonight, this suite held a retirement party, a family reunion, a confession, and a cake that told three different stories depending on who was reading.

People think they come to hotels for the beds. Really, they come for the permission. Permission to cry. Permission to fight. Permission to say the thing they've been holding in since the last family dinner.

(He picks up a piece of cake with his hand, eats it.)

And sometimes—not often, but sometimes—they give themselves permission to change.

Check-out's at noon. But the damage? That lasts forever.

(He grins. Lights out.)

Short Bios:

Richard Nash

A late-60s executive who has lived his life by the calendar. Polished and commanding, but underneath, he’s weary from years of work and unsure how to stop.

Maggie Nash

Richard’s mid-30s daughter, sharp-tongued and responsible. She masks her vulnerability with wit and frustration but longs for her father’s attention.

Tom Nash

Richard’s early-30s son, well-meaning but clumsy. He has a boyish charm and comic timing that make him both lovable and exasperating.

Lydia

Richard’s late-20s secretary. Intelligent and professional, she is unexpectedly sincere and caught in the awkward middle of family tensions.

Bellhop

Cheerful, unflappable, and oddly philosophical. A comic presence who adds levity and perspective at just the wrong (and right) moments.

Event Captain

A model of hotel professionalism. Deadly polite, unfazed by chaos, and committed to keeping everything “five-star” no matter the absurdity.