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Betty Mahmoody:
When I boarded that plane to Iran with my husband and daughter, I believed I was traveling into family, tradition, and love. What I stepped into instead was a trap—one sealed by culture, law, silence, and fear.
What began as trust turned into captivity. I was stripped of my rights, isolated from my country, and told that wanting to leave meant dishonoring an entire people. But this isn’t just my story. It’s the story of many women—trapped between nations, between legal systems, between love and survival.
This conversation isn’t about demonizing cultures. It’s about asking the hardest question: What happens when a culture—or a law, or even a relationship—becomes a cage?
In these five topics, you’ll hear from brave voices across the globe—activists, survivors, scholars, and leaders—who are not only diagnosing the problem, but lighting the path forward. Together, we explore where trust breaks down, where law fails to protect, where culture and conscience collide, and most importantly, how we protect the most vulnerable—our children.
(Note: This is an imaginary conversation, a creative exploration of an idea, and not a real speech or event.)
Topic 1: When Love Crosses Borders – The Danger of Trust Without Freedom
Moderator: Betty Mahmoody
Betty Mahmoody opens:
“When I married Moody, I believed in the goodness of love—that it would transcend cultural difference. But love without freedom… that’s not love. That’s possession.
So here’s what I want to ask each of you:
What signs do we miss when trust becomes dangerous—especially across cultures and power imbalances?”
Maya Angelou:
“Sometimes the most dangerous thing isn’t the slap—it’s the silence before it. Politeness keeps us in cages. We don’t ask questions because we fear sounding rude. But we must teach our daughters to listen to that still voice that says, ‘Something’s off.’
Love should never ask you to disappear.”
Dr. Deborah Tannen:
“When people from different cultures communicate, there’s often a power underneath the words. He says, ‘Come home with me.’ She hears love. He means obedience. The signs are subtle. Control masked as tradition. We need to teach critical listening—across languages, but especially between hearts.”
Ayaan Hirsi Ali:
“I was born into a culture where obedience was love. Escape was betrayal. That’s the lie. Many women, like Betty and I, were raised to trust even when we were afraid. The key is this: If love costs your voice, your freedom, or your dignity—it’s not love. It’s control.”
Imam Khalid Latif:
“There’s a distortion in some homes—where religion is used to justify imprisonment. That’s not faith. Islam honors the dignity and agency of women. We must separate culture from scripture. And we must equip young people—especially women—with the spiritual and legal tools to say ‘no’.”
Betty Mahmoody:
“Thank you. Now let me ask this:
What would a healthy cross-cultural relationship look like instead? One built on freedom, not fear?”
Dr. Deborah Tannen:
“It begins with asking—not assuming. Cross-cultural love should be like cross-cultural dialogue: filled with curiosity, not correction. If you find yourself translating your needs into something smaller to be accepted, that’s a warning.”
Imam Khalid Latif:
“A healthy relationship is one where your faith doesn’t get used against you. Where difference is not a threat but a celebration. You should feel safe to practice your beliefs without fear they’ll be weaponized later. That’s when love is real.”
Ayaan Hirsi Ali:
“Real love respects boundaries. It doesn’t isolate. It doesn’t suddenly change when you leave your homeland. If he needs to remove you from your family, your passport, your country to ‘keep you,’ that’s not love—it’s strategy. Beware of charm used as a cage.”
Maya Angelou:
“Love is like a song that doesn’t hush your own. You both bring music. You both dance freely. If someone says, ‘Only my rhythm counts,’ baby, you need to step out of that dance.”
Betty Mahmoody:
“And one last question…
What can we do—right now—to protect women and girls from falling into the same trap I did?”
Ayaan Hirsi Ali:
“Education. Unfiltered. Real stories. Women must hear from other women who escaped—not just romantic tales. And every nation should make it illegal to hold a woman or child by force due to marriage.”
Maya Angelou:
“Speak it loud. The story, the pain, the triumph. Shame dies when truth walks in. You saved your daughter, Betty, and you lit a path. Let’s walk it for others.”
Imam Khalid Latif:
“We need imams, priests, rabbis—all faith leaders—to stand up for consent and call out injustice in our communities. No more silence disguised as respect.”
Dr. Deborah Tannen:
“Teach our daughters language—not just words, but the courage to say them. And teach our sons that love isn’t proven through power. It’s proven through presence.”
Betty Mahmoody closes:
“I wish I had heard voices like yours before I went. But now that we’ve spoken, others will. May this conversation become a compass—so no woman ever mistakes captivity for commitment again.”
Topic 2: Trapped by Law, Freed by Courage – Escaping a Legal Cage
Moderator: Betty Mahmoody
Betty Mahmoody opens:
“When I realized I was legally considered my husband’s property under Iranian law, everything changed.
I wasn’t just trapped by fear—I was trapped by a system.
So I want to ask:
Why do legal systems in some countries make it almost impossible for women and children to leave unsafe situations—especially in international marriages?”
Shirin Ebadi:
“In many Islamic countries, including Iran, family law is patriarchal by design. A father has automatic custody. A husband controls his wife’s freedom of movement. When law and culture merge, women lose their voice. Reforming these systems means challenging power from within—and it’s dangerous, but essential.”
Cherie Blair:
“The problem lies not only in unjust laws abroad, but also in how little protection Western legal systems offer when a citizen is taken across borders. Courts hesitate to interfere with foreign sovereignty. That leaves women like Betty in limbo—legally married, socially imprisoned, and politically abandoned.”
Judge Judy Sheindlin:
“If a man takes your kid across state lines without permission, that’s kidnapping. But across a national border, suddenly everyone shrugs. It's insane. The law bends for politics, not for people. And women pay the price. We need international custody agreements with teeth.”
Nadia Murad:
“For me, the law never came fast enough. I was kidnapped and enslaved—and the world debated definitions. We must build systems that act faster than evil moves. Women’s safety cannot be a slow negotiation. It must be immediate, enforceable, and absolute.”
Kenneth Roth:
“Even today, many governments look the other way to preserve alliances. Human rights get sacrificed on the altar of diplomacy. We need global accountability mechanisms where no government can protect abusers by default of custom.”
Betty Mahmoody:
“Thank you. That brings me to the next question:
What kind of reforms—both local and global—would have protected me and women like me before things got so desperate?”
Judge Judy Sheindlin:
“Let’s start with passport locking laws—no child should leave a country without both parents’ consent. And we need a global alert system like Amber Alerts, but for international custody violations.”
Cherie Blair:
“Absolutely. But deeper still: family law needs reform within religious countries. We can no longer let tradition override human rights. And the West must support activists in these countries instead of appeasing oppressive regimes.”
Kenneth Roth:
“We also need a UN-backed legal safety net for women abroad—an emergency system where embassies have legal power to intervene and extract citizens in danger, even if it means confronting the host country.”
Shirin Ebadi:
“The work begins inside. We must educate young women in these countries about their rights—and train female lawyers and judges who can reshape the law from within. Reform doesn’t come from the outside alone.”
Nadia Murad:
“We also need to listen to survivors—not just invite them to speak. Build policy around their pain, not just their headlines. What saved me was not words—it was people willing to act.”
Betty Mahmoody:
“One last question:
How can women—and men—around the world act now to help prevent others from being trapped like I was?”
Cherie Blair:
“Support global women’s legal aid organizations. Pressure your governments to honor The Hague Convention on child abduction. Turn outrage into funding, awareness into laws.”
Nadia Murad:
“Share stories. Not just mine or Betty’s—but your neighbor’s, your mother’s, your friend’s. Silence is how the system survives. Courage spreads when truth is told.”
Kenneth Roth:
“Demand accountability in foreign policy. Hold your leaders responsible for how they treat women abroad—not just at home. Real change comes when human rights outweigh convenience.”
Judge Judy Sheindlin:
“And teach your daughters: love is great—but know the law before you cross a border for anyone. And teach your sons to respect women who say no—even when the law says yes.”
Shirin Ebadi:
“And remind every girl: you are not a gift to be passed, a shadow to be hidden, or a voice to be silenced. You are your own, by birthright and by law. And we will fight until the law agrees.”
Topic 3: Cultural Sensitivity vs. Human Rights – Where Do We Draw the Line?
Moderator: Betty Mahmoody
Betty Mahmoody opens:
“During my time in Iran, I was constantly told that I was being disrespectful for wanting to leave. That my desire for freedom insulted the culture around me. But how can honoring a culture mean accepting oppression?
So I ask you all:
How do we distinguish between honoring cultural traditions and recognizing when those traditions violate human rights?”
Malala Yousafzai:
“A culture that silences women is not sacred—it is broken. There’s a difference between practicing culture and weaponizing it. Education is the lens through which we can love our roots without being bound by them.”
Reza Aslan:
“Culture evolves. It isn’t a fossil. The problem is when we mistake custom for faith or identity. When human dignity is at odds with tradition, we must side with dignity—not because we reject culture, but because we care enough to help it grow.”
Zainab Salbi:
“I’ve seen women justify abuse in the name of tradition. But culture should never demand your suffering. True heritage is about continuity, not cruelty. Let’s protect what’s beautiful—but expose what’s harmful.”
Fatima Bhutto:
“Too often, foreign critics weaponize feminism to justify war or control. We must be careful. The line is crossed when intervention becomes imposition. But that doesn’t mean we tolerate injustice. It means we amplify local voices leading the change themselves.”
Kanchana Weerakoon:
“I come from a place where family loyalty often overpowers personal freedom. Culture becomes a cage when questioning it means exile. We need safe spaces within cultures—not outside them—where truth can breathe.”
Betty Mahmoody:
“Thank you. That brings me to the next question:
What does real cultural respect look like—especially from outsiders or well-meaning advocates?”
Reza Aslan:
“It looks like humility. Like asking questions before offering answers. It’s not about arriving with a megaphone—it’s about listening before leading. Let people speak in their own voices and languages. That’s real respect.”
Zainab Salbi:
“Real respect honors pain without judgment. You don’t need to agree with everything to love someone’s people. You respect culture when you believe women within it are capable of changing it themselves.”
Kanchana Weerakoon:
“And sometimes, respect means saying, ‘This hurts me, but I still love you.’ It’s okay to challenge what’s sacred—if that challenge comes with care, not superiority.”
Malala Yousafzai:
“Speak up—but don’t speak over. Use your platform to elevate those fighting inside their own communities. That’s what saved me: people who believed my voice was enough.”
Fatima Bhutto:
“Don’t reduce us to victims or symbols. We are thinkers, creators, leaders. Respect means seeing us not just for our wounds—but for our wisdom.”
Betty Mahmoody:
“Finally, let me ask:
How can we create a global movement that honors cultural diversity while firmly protecting universal human rights?”
Malala Yousafzai:
“We start in schools. In every country. Teach girls to speak and boys to listen. Teach respect as a human value—not a Western export.”
Fatima Bhutto:
“We also need new stories—films, books, poetry—that show empowered women from all traditions. We don’t change hearts with laws alone. We change them with connection.”
Kanchana Weerakoon:
“And create safe bridges. Bring together elders and youth. Let them co-create updated rituals that honor the old without repeating its harms.”
Reza Aslan:
“Faith communities must lead, not lag. Spiritual leaders have a powerful voice in culture—if they use it to uplift rather than control.”
Zainab Salbi:
“And finally: show up. Show up for women on the frontlines—not just when their pain trends, but when they need resources, protection, and support. That’s the culture we all need to build.”
Topic 4: Protecting Children in Cross-Cultural Marriages
Betty Mahmoody opens:
“When I escaped from Iran, I didn’t just fight for my own life—I fought for my daughter’s.
Had I left without her, she would have been legally considered her father’s property, never allowed to leave.
So here’s what I ask you all:
What makes cross-cultural custody situations so dangerous for children—and how are kids caught in a legal and emotional tug-of-war?”
Craig Kielburger:
“Children aren’t just caught—they’re often weaponized. In cross-border marriages, kids become leverage. And because laws vary wildly across countries, a child’s safety depends more on geography than on justice. It’s not a custody battle—it’s a survival crisis.”
Elif Shafak:
“When a child’s identity is split between two cultures, they become an emotional battlefield. One side says ‘obedience,’ the other says ‘freedom.’ And the child is left trying to love both parents while silently carrying the war.”
Leymah Gbowee:
“I’ve seen girls forced into marriage at 13, then trafficked across borders as ‘wives.’ We must recognize that many so-called marriages are just legal disguises for abuse. And when a child is involved, the damage is lifelong—physical, emotional, and generational.”
Dr. Phil McGraw:
“From a psychological perspective, the trauma is deep. A child feels torn in two. They’re told to pick sides in a world they don’t understand. And if one parent manipulates them or isolates them, it’s a form of emotional kidnapping, even if the law says otherwise.”
Randa Abdel-Fattah:
“Add to that the cultural guilt. Kids are told that choosing freedom means rejecting heritage. It’s too much for them. We need to stop making children prove their loyalty through suffering. They deserve safety, not symbolism.”
Betty Mahmoody:
“Thank you. Next, I’d like to ask:
What systems or protections should exist to keep children safe in cross-cultural families—especially during conflict or separation?”
Dr. Phil McGraw:
“There should be international emotional safety protocols for kids—like a psychological Hague Convention. Not just laws about where they live, but about how they’re treated, coached, and heard.”
Craig Kielburger:
“Child-friendly embassies. Global child protection databases. Emergency repatriation protocols. We have systems for stolen art and smuggled goods—why not for stolen childhoods?”
Elif Shafak:
“Let’s create cross-cultural counselors trained to mediate these conflicts with empathy. Someone who understands both sides and can advocate for the child’s voice—not just legal checkboxes.”
Leymah Gbowee:
“Train mothers, too. Empower women before disaster strikes. Let them know their rights in both countries, especially around passports and custody. Information is protection.”
Randa Abdel-Fattah:
“And don’t forget storytelling. Kids need stories that reflect their reality—stories where mixed-identity children are seen, safe, and whole. That kind of visibility is a form of defense.”
Betty Mahmoody:
“One final question:
What can each of us do—individually or collectively—to ensure no child goes through what my daughter did?”
Craig Kielburger:
“Support laws that put child welfare above national pride. Raise your voice when politicians prioritize tradition over safety. Be an advocate—not just for your child, but for every child.”
Leymah Gbowee:
“Talk to your community. Especially the men. Challenge the idea that children are extensions of patriarchy. Help build a culture where kids belong to themselves, not to bloodlines.”
Randa Abdel-Fattah:
“Be curious about the children in your life. If something feels off—ask. Support multicultural families, especially mothers who seem isolated. Sometimes the greatest protection is noticing.”
Dr. Phil McGraw:
“And keep telling the truth, Betty. Stories like yours wake people up. Trauma survives in silence. But healing begins when we say the hard things, out loud.”
Elif Shafak:
“Let’s raise children who know they are loved by both history and hope. Who know that they don’t have to choose between cultures to be complete. That’s how we end this cycle.”
Topic 5: What Can the World Do? From Sympathy to Global Action
Moderator: Betty Mahmoody
🕊️ Betty Mahmoody opens:
“I shared my story so the world would listen. And it did. But listening is not the same as changing.
Even today, countless women and children remain trapped, voiceless, caught in the same cycle.
So here’s what I ask each of you:
What prevents real global action to protect women and children at risk—and what needs to shift for words to become impact?”
Amina J. Mohammed:
“Policy often moves slower than pain. International aid is reactive, not preventive. And diplomacy is cautious around ‘domestic’ issues like family or marriage. We need to redefine these not as private, but as public human rights matters. That mindset shift is crucial.”
Leymah Gbowee:
“The world loves heroes but forgets systems. It’s easier to praise one brave escape than to fund safe houses, educate lawyers, or challenge local laws. If we want change, we must invest in the unglamorous work of grassroots protection.”
Angelina Jolie:
“Governments fear backlash. They don’t want to seem like they’re judging another culture. But abuse is not culture. Silence allows it to grow. We must empower survivors to lead the conversation—not bury them under red tape or polite avoidance.”
Yuval Noah Harari:
“The deeper issue is identity. People cling to outdated traditions because they feel their culture is under threat. But when we reframe women’s freedom as part of a strong, evolving society, not a Western export, we disarm the resistance. Change must feel like growth, not erasure.”
Melinda French Gates:
“We still underfund the solution. Less than 2% of global development aid goes directly to women’s organizations. That’s shocking. If we shifted just a fraction of military budgets toward community education, legal reform, and safe infrastructure, we’d see generational change.”
Betty Mahmoody:
“Thank you. Now, let’s imagine a better future:
What does a world look like where women and children are no longer trapped in these situations?”
Angelina Jolie:
“It’s a world where a woman doesn’t have to run to be free. Where she’s believed before she bleeds. Where freedom is a right, not a rescue.”
Leymah Gbowee:
“It’s a world where girls don’t just dream—they decide. Where a daughter never has to choose between her heart and her safety. Where women are seen as whole, not halves.”
Yuval Noah Harari:
“A world with digital tools to alert, connect, and defend. Where AI helps track violations, and community-driven platforms respond instantly. Technology must become a guardian of human dignity.”
Amina J. Mohammed:
“It’s a world where no passport overrides protection. Where treaties have teeth, embassies have power, and culture evolves with conscience.”
Melinda French Gates:
“A world where every village, every city, has women at the table, making the rules. Where power is shared—not begged for.”
Betty Mahmoody closes:
“I see that world, too. And I believe in it—not because I lived through the worst, but because I see how far we've come.
It doesn’t start with governments.
It starts with you.
With the courage to ask questions.
The compassion to act when no one’s watching.
The strength to say, 'This isn’t just her problem—it’s ours.'
Let’s not stop at awareness.
Let’s make sure no daughter, no mother, no human being,
has to whisper, ‘Not without my child’
when they should be shouting,
‘With dignity, with freedom—together.’
Final Thoughts by Betty Mahmoody
What I learned in that long journey back to freedom is this: pain ignored becomes pain repeated. The world cannot claim to care and then look away when a mother is trapped behind a gate or a child is held by law instead of love.
Real change doesn't begin in government buildings. It begins in conversations like these—where silence is broken, and truth is told with trembling but steady voices.
So what now?
We must teach our daughters that love does not mean surrender.
We must teach our sons that culture is never an excuse for control.
We must teach the world that rights do not end at the border.
Let these words become action. Let these stories become safeguards.
And let this be the last generation that has to run to be free.
For every mother who whispers, "Not without my daughter,"
let the world rise up and say—
"Not without justice. Not without dignity. Not again."
Short Bios:
Betty Mahmoody – American author of Not Without My Daughter, she became an international voice for women and children trapped in cross-cultural custody and legal captivity.
Maya Angelou – Renowned American poet, memoirist, and civil rights activist who spoke powerfully about trauma, identity, and human dignity.
Dr. Deborah Tannen – Professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, known for her pioneering work on gender and communication.
Ayaan Hirsi Ali – Somali-born author, activist, and former Dutch parliamentarian advocating against forced marriage and for universal women’s rights.
Imam Khalid Latif – Muslim chaplain at New York University and the NYPD, promoting compassion, pluralism, and justice in modern Islamic discourse.
Shirin Ebadi – Iranian human rights lawyer and Nobel Peace Prize laureate who fought for women's and children's legal protections under Islamic law.
Judge Judy Sheindlin – Former New York family court judge and media personality, recognized for her candid views on justice and child welfare.
Cherie Blair – British barrister and founder of the Cherie Blair Foundation for Women, focused on legal empowerment and economic justice for women.
Nadia Murad – Yazidi survivor of ISIS captivity, human rights advocate, and Nobel Peace Prize recipient working to end sexual violence in conflict zones.
Kenneth Roth – Former executive director of Human Rights Watch, with decades of experience in documenting and challenging human rights abuses worldwide.
Malala Yousafzai – Pakistani Nobel laureate and global education advocate, shot by the Taliban for her activism at age 15 and now a symbol of peaceful resistance.
Reza Aslan – Iranian-American scholar of religion, author, and commentator exploring faith, identity, and the intersection of culture and belief.
Kanchana Weerakoon – Sri Lankan eco-feminist and grassroots activist specializing in cultural reconciliation and women’s empowerment in South Asia.
Fatima Bhutto – Pakistani author and political analyst writing on power, violence, and female agency in Muslim-majority societies.
Zainab Salbi – Founder of Women for Women International, Iraqi-American humanitarian known for supporting women in war-torn regions.
Craig Kielburger – Canadian human rights activist and co-founder of the WE Movement, focused on youth-led global change and child protection.
Leymah Gbowee – Liberian peace activist and Nobel Peace Prize winner who led a nonviolent women’s movement that helped end civil war in Liberia.
Elif Shafak – Turkish-British novelist and public intellectual exploring multiculturalism, belonging, and the complexities of identity.
Dr. Phil McGraw – Psychologist and media figure known for advising families in crisis and raising awareness of psychological trauma and child development.
Randa Abdel-Fattah – Australian-Palestinian author and advocate exploring the lives of Muslim youth navigating hybrid cultural identities.
Amina J. Mohammed – Nigerian diplomat and UN Deputy Secretary-General working on sustainable development, gender equity, and global reform.
Angelina Jolie – Actress and UNHCR Special Envoy with extensive on-the-ground experience advocating for refugees and victims of violence.
Melinda French Gates – Philanthropist and women’s rights advocate focused on global health, economic equity, and access to education.
Yuval Noah Harari – Israeli historian and author of Sapiens, known for his macro-perspective on humanity’s past, present, and future.
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