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Home » John Kim’s It’s Not Me, It’s You: Keys to Break the Blame Cycle

John Kim’s It’s Not Me, It’s You: Keys to Break the Blame Cycle

November 16, 2024 by Nick Sasaki Leave a Comment

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Hello, everyone, and welcome! Today, we’re diving into the core of what makes us human—our relationships, our personal growth, our self-awareness, and the search for meaning and purpose. These are the building blocks of a life well-lived, and we’ve brought together some of the most brilliant minds to explore them with us.

We’ll start by looking at relationships—how we connect, how we love, and how we create bonds that last—with insights from John Kim, Esther Perel, Brené Brown, and Matthew Hussey. From there, we’ll delve into personal growth, uncovering what it means to become our best selves with the help of Joe Dispenza, Mel Robbins, and Carol Dweck.

Then, we’ll move to self-awareness, the foundation of everything, where Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, and Byron Katie will teach us how to unlock the power of reflection and presence. Finally, we’ll explore the search for meaning and purpose, with lessons from Viktor Frankl, Simon Sinek, and Elizabeth Gilbert on living a life filled with intention and joy.

These conversations are more than just words—they’re invitations to dig deeper, to challenge yourself, and to create a life that aligns with your values and dreams. So, let’s open our hearts and minds, because what you’re about to hear could change everything.

Let’s get started!

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Table of Contents
Building Bridges to Create Authentic and Lasting Connections
Becoming Your Best Self Through Self-Discovery and Growth
Unlocking Your Inner Mirror Through Self-Reflection
Living with Intention and Finding Fulfillment Beyond Success

Building Bridges to Create Authentic and Lasting Connections

Moderator (Nick Sasaki):
Welcome, everyone! Today we have an incredible panel to discuss building and sustaining authentic relationships. We’re joined by John Kim, Esther Perel, Brené Brown, and Matthew Hussey. Let’s start with a fundamental question: What does it mean to create an authentic relationship? John, would you like to begin?

John Kim:
Thanks, Nick. To me, an authentic relationship is one where both people show up as their true selves—flaws and all. It’s about being vulnerable, taking ownership of your baggage, and actively working to build something meaningful together. Relationships aren’t a fairy tale; they’re a shared journey of growth.

Esther Perel:
I completely agree, John. Authenticity also means balancing individuality with connection. Many people think love is about merging completely, but true intimacy allows for the tension between independence and togetherness. It’s about being curious about your partner while remaining true to yourself.

Brené Brown:
Absolutely, Esther. I’d add that authenticity thrives in an environment of trust and vulnerability. So often, we avoid vulnerability because we fear rejection, but it’s actually the key to connection. When you dare to be seen as you are, you create the space for deeper intimacy.

Matthew Hussey:
Great points, Brené. I’d also highlight the importance of action in relationships. Authenticity is crucial, but it’s not just about what you feel—it’s about how you show up daily. Are you communicating? Are you making your partner feel valued? Actions amplify intentions.

Nick Sasaki:
Fantastic insights! Esther, you mentioned balancing individuality and connection. How do people navigate that tension without feeling guilty about prioritizing themselves?

Esther Perel:
It starts with redefining guilt. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it’s essential. When you maintain your own interests, passions, and boundaries, you bring a richer, fuller self to the relationship. The key is communicating openly with your partner about these needs.

John Kim:
I love that, Esther. It’s also about practicing boundaries. Too often, we confuse love with sacrifice, thinking we need to give up parts of ourselves to make the other person happy. But real love thrives when both people feel free to be themselves.

Brené Brown:
Yes! And boundaries aren’t walls; they’re bridges to deeper connection. When you communicate your needs clearly, you’re actually inviting your partner to understand you better. That’s where the magic happens.

Matthew Hussey:
I’d add that people often overlook the importance of fun and play in relationships. It’s not all serious conversations and vulnerability—sometimes it’s about laughing, being silly, and simply enjoying each other’s company. Fun keeps the spark alive.

Nick Sasaki:
Great point, Matthew. Let’s shift to challenges. What’s one common mistake people make that undermines authenticity in relationships?

John Kim:
One big mistake is focusing too much on what your partner is or isn’t doing instead of looking inward. When we blame, we lose the opportunity to grow. Ask yourself, “What can I do to show up better?”

Esther Perel:
Another mistake is taking your partner for granted. Over time, we stop seeing the person in front of us and only see the role they play—spouse, parent, or provider. Authenticity requires staying curious about your partner, even years into the relationship.

Brené Brown:
I’d say avoiding hard conversations is a huge issue. Authenticity demands courage, and that includes tackling uncomfortable topics. When you avoid these conversations, you build walls instead of bridges.

Matthew Hussey:
I agree. And I’d add that people sometimes overcomplicate relationships. Authenticity is about showing up consistently with kindness and care. If you’re always overthinking, you’re not truly present.

Nick Sasaki:
This has been enlightening! To wrap up, what’s one piece of advice you’d give to anyone looking to build a more authentic relationship?

John Kim:
Start with yourself. Be honest about who you are and what you need. Authenticity in relationships starts with authenticity in life.

Esther Perel:
Stay curious. About yourself, your partner, and the relationship. Curiosity keeps love alive.

Brené Brown:
Be brave enough to be vulnerable. That’s where true connection begins.

Matthew Hussey:
Don’t just say you care—show it. Consistent action is what builds trust and love over time.

Nick Sasaki:
Thank you all for your wisdom and insights. This has been an incredible discussion on authenticity in relationships. Until next time, let’s all strive to show up as our best, most authentic selves!

Becoming Your Best Self Through Self-Discovery and Growth

Moderator (Nick Sasaki):
Welcome, everyone! Today, we’re diving into the transformative journey of personal growth with our incredible panel: John Kim, Joe Dispenza, Mel Robbins, and Carol Dweck. Let’s start with a fundamental question: What does personal growth mean to you, and why is it essential? John, let’s hear your thoughts first.

John Kim:
Thanks, Nick. To me, personal growth is about evolving into the best version of yourself by confronting your fears, taking responsibility for your actions, and doing the work to heal and improve. Growth isn’t just about fixing what’s broken—it’s about becoming aware of your potential.

Joe Dispenza:
I’d expand on that by saying personal growth is the process of breaking free from old patterns and conditioning. Many of us live in a cycle of repetitive thoughts and habits. Growth happens when we change our mindset, rewire our brain, and step into a new future.

Mel Robbins:
Absolutely, Joe. Growth is about action. It’s easy to get stuck waiting for the perfect moment, but the truth is, you just have to start. Whether it’s setting a goal or breaking a bad habit, taking small steps consistently creates momentum for change.

Carol Dweck:
I’d say personal growth is rooted in mindset. With a growth mindset, you see challenges as opportunities to learn and improve. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about embracing the process of becoming better, one step at a time.

Nick Sasaki:
That’s a great foundation. Joe, you mentioned breaking free from old patterns. How can someone begin to identify and change those limiting habits or beliefs?

Joe Dispenza:
The first step is awareness. You need to observe your thoughts and behaviors without judgment. Meditation is a powerful tool for this because it helps you detach from the autopilot of your mind. Once you’re aware of your patterns, you can start visualizing the person you want to become and taking steps to align with that vision.

John Kim:
Adding to that, I think journaling is another great way to uncover limiting beliefs. When you write down your thoughts and reflect on your actions, patterns become clear. Then, you can ask yourself, “What am I gaining from holding onto these beliefs?” Letting go of what no longer serves you is key.

Mel Robbins:
I agree! And sometimes, it’s not just about identifying patterns—it’s about interrupting them. That’s where tools like my “5 Second Rule” come in. When you notice a limiting thought, count down 5-4-3-2-1, and take an action that moves you closer to your goals.

Carol Dweck:
I’d add that mistakes and failures are a natural part of growth. Too often, people fear failure and avoid taking risks. But with a growth mindset, you see failures as feedback and use them to improve. It’s about resilience and persistence.

Nick Sasaki:
Those are powerful strategies. Let’s pivot to challenges. What’s the biggest obstacle to personal growth, and how can people overcome it?

John Kim:
I’d say the biggest obstacle is fear—fear of change, fear of failure, and even fear of success. The antidote is courage. Growth requires you to lean into discomfort and trust the process, even when it feels uncertain.

Joe Dispenza:
I agree, John. Another obstacle is staying attached to your past. Many people define themselves by their previous experiences, which limits their ability to create a new future. You have to believe that change is possible and practice aligning your thoughts and emotions with the life you want to live.

Mel Robbins:
Procrastination is another big one. People often put off growth because it feels overwhelming. My advice is to just start. Break your goals into manageable steps and focus on one thing at a time. Momentum is your best friend.

Carol Dweck:
I’d say a fixed mindset is a major barrier. If you believe your abilities and intelligence are static, you won’t take on challenges or push yourself to grow. To overcome this, start celebrating effort and progress, not just outcomes.

Nick Sasaki:
Inspiring advice! To close, what’s one practical step someone can take today to kickstart their personal growth journey?

John Kim:
Start by asking yourself, “What’s one thing I can do today to improve my life by just 1%?” Growth is about small, consistent steps, not giant leaps.

Joe Dispenza:
Spend time each morning visualizing the person you want to become. See it, feel it, and act as if it’s already your reality.

Mel Robbins:
When you feel stuck, count down 5-4-3-2-1 and take action. Even one small step can change everything.

Carol Dweck:
Adopt a growth mindset. Tell yourself, “I can learn and improve at anything with effort and persistence.”

Nick Sasaki:
Thank you all for such thoughtful and actionable insights. This conversation has been incredibly motivating. Here’s to taking those first steps toward a better, more fulfilling version of ourselves!

Unlocking Your Inner Mirror Through Self-Reflection

Moderator (Nick Sasaki):
Welcome, everyone! Today, we’re diving deep into the topic of self-awareness with our distinguished guests: John Kim, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, and Byron Katie. Let’s start with a foundational question: What does self-awareness mean to you, and why is it important? John, would you like to start?

John Kim:
Thanks, Nick. Self-awareness is about understanding who you are at your core—your values, beliefs, patterns, and emotions. It’s essential because without it, you’re living reactively, shaped by external forces instead of intentionally shaping your life.

Eckhart Tolle:
Self-awareness is the ability to observe your thoughts and emotions without identifying with them. It allows you to recognize that you are not your mind, but the consciousness behind it. This realization is transformative and liberates you from unnecessary suffering.

Deepak Chopra:
I see self-awareness as the journey inward to connect with your true self, beyond the ego. When you become aware of your inner world—your thoughts, feelings, and desires—you can align your life with a deeper sense of purpose and harmony.

Byron Katie:
For me, self-awareness is about questioning the thoughts that cause us pain. When we believe our stressful thoughts, we suffer. Self-awareness helps us see those thoughts for what they are—stories—and allows us to live in peace with reality.

Nick Sasaki:
Beautiful perspectives. Eckhart, you mentioned observing thoughts without identifying with them. How can someone start practicing this kind of awareness in their daily life?

Eckhart Tolle:
Begin by creating space in your day for stillness. Even a few minutes of sitting quietly and watching your breath can help you detach from the constant stream of thoughts. Notice each thought as it arises and let it pass, like a cloud in the sky. Over time, this practice strengthens your awareness.

John Kim:
Adding to that, I think journaling is a powerful tool. Writing down your thoughts and feelings creates a mirror for self-reflection. It helps you notice patterns and become more intentional in how you respond to life.

Deepak Chopra:
Another practice is mindfulness meditation. Focus on the present moment—your breath, your sensations, or the sounds around you. When your mind wanders, gently bring it back. This trains your brain to stay present and increases your awareness over time.

Byron Katie:
I would suggest questioning your thoughts with tools like “The Work.” Ask yourself: “Is this thought true? Can I absolutely know it’s true?” These questions help you separate fact from interpretation and reduce the power of negative stories in your mind.

Nick Sasaki:
Those are excellent techniques. Let’s talk about obstacles. What do you think is the biggest barrier to self-awareness, and how can people overcome it?

John Kim:
I think the biggest barrier is distraction—being constantly plugged into social media, work, or other noise. It’s hard to hear yourself when you’re always tuned into external inputs. The solution is to carve out time for solitude and reflection, even if it’s just a few minutes a day.

Eckhart Tolle:
I would say the greatest obstacle is identification with the ego. The ego thrives on stories of the past and future, pulling you away from the present moment. The way to overcome this is by practicing presence—returning to the Now, again and again.

Deepak Chopra:
Another barrier is fear—fear of confronting uncomfortable truths about yourself. Self-awareness requires courage. Remember that growth comes from facing, not avoiding, what lies within.

Byron Katie:
I agree with Deepak. People often avoid self-awareness because they’re afraid of what they’ll find. But the reality is, the truth is never as scary as the stories we create. Inquiry is the way to dissolve that fear and find freedom.

Nick Sasaki:
Profound insights. To close, what’s one simple practice or mindset someone can adopt today to deepen their self-awareness?

John Kim:
Start by asking yourself one reflective question daily, like “What am I feeling right now, and why?” It’s a small habit that builds self-awareness over time.

Eckhart Tolle:
Whenever you catch yourself lost in thought, pause and bring your attention to your breath. This simple act reconnects you with the present moment and strengthens your awareness.

Deepak Chopra:
Spend a few moments in gratitude each day. Gratitude shifts your focus inward and helps you connect with your deeper self.

Byron Katie:
Question one stressful thought today. Write it down and ask yourself, “Is this true?” You’ll be amazed at the peace this practice can bring.

Nick Sasaki:
Thank you all for your wisdom and practical advice. This has been an enlightening conversation on the transformative power of self-awareness. Here’s to living more intentionally and authentically!

Living with Intention and Finding Fulfillment Beyond Success

Moderator (Nick Sasaki):
Welcome, everyone! Today, we’re discussing one of life’s most profound questions: How do we find meaning and purpose? Joining us are John Kim, Viktor Frankl, Simon Sinek, and Elizabeth Gilbert. Let’s begin with this question: What does it mean to live a life of purpose, and why is it important? John, let’s start with you.

John Kim:
Thanks, Nick. Living a life of purpose means aligning your actions with your core values and passions. It’s about creating a life that feels fulfilling, not just successful by societal standards. Purpose gives us a reason to wake up every day and strive for more.

Viktor Frankl:
Purpose is essential for survival. In my experience, even in the darkest moments, those who found meaning in their suffering were able to endure the most. It’s not about avoiding challenges but finding something greater to live for—a reason to persist.

Simon Sinek:
I define purpose as starting with your “Why.” It’s the driving force behind what you do, whether in your personal or professional life. Purpose inspires others and creates a ripple effect of positive impact.

Elizabeth Gilbert:
To me, purpose is deeply personal. It doesn’t have to be grand or world-changing—it can simply be about following your curiosity and doing what makes you come alive. Living with purpose is about listening to your inner voice and trusting it.

Nick Sasaki:
Beautiful answers. Viktor, you mentioned finding meaning in suffering. How can people discover purpose when they’re facing hardship or uncertainty?

Viktor Frankl:
In hardship, ask yourself: What is this experience teaching me? How can I grow from it? Meaning is not something you wait to find—it’s something you actively create, even in adversity. Your attitude toward suffering can transform it into an opportunity for growth.

John Kim:
I’d add that hardship often strips away the superficial, leaving you with what truly matters. In those moments, you can reconnect with your core values and redefine what purpose means to you. It’s okay if that purpose evolves over time.

Simon Sinek:
Hardship often clarifies your “Why.” When everything is stripped away, you’re left with what’s essential. Focus on small steps—helping others, contributing to something larger than yourself. Purpose doesn’t have to be perfect; it just needs to move you forward.

Elizabeth Gilbert:
In uncertainty, I’d say follow your curiosity. Ask yourself: “What tiny thing interests me today?” Purpose doesn’t always come with a big revelation. Sometimes, it unfolds in small, everyday moments of joy and exploration.

Nick Sasaki:
That’s inspiring. Simon, you’ve talked about starting with “Why.” How does someone discover their “Why” if they feel lost or stuck?

Simon Sinek:
Great question. Start by reflecting on moments in your life when you felt deeply fulfilled or proud. What were you doing? Who were you helping? Often, your “Why” is connected to the impact you have on others. Talk to people who know you well—they can offer insights into what makes you unique.

John Kim:
I think being stuck is a sign to try something new. Experiment, take risks, and explore different paths. Your purpose isn’t something you figure out in your head—it’s something you discover through action.

Elizabeth Gilbert:
Yes! And give yourself permission to play. Not everything has to be about productivity or achievement. Sometimes, simply doing what makes you happy leads you closer to your purpose.

Viktor Frankl:
And remember, purpose is not about what you want from life, but what life wants from you. Ask: “What is life asking of me right now?” Purpose is often found in service to others.

Nick Sasaki:
Incredible insights. To wrap up, what’s one practical step someone can take today to live with more purpose and meaning?

John Kim:
Identify one small action you can take today that aligns with your values—whether it’s connecting with someone you care about, working on a passion project, or helping someone in need.

Viktor Frankl:
Reflect on what life is asking of you in this moment. Your next step might be small, but if it’s meaningful, it’s enough.

Simon Sinek:
Start journaling about your “Why.” Write down moments when you felt fulfilled and look for patterns. Purpose is often hiding in plain sight.

Elizabeth Gilbert:
Follow your curiosity. Even if it feels small or silly, trust where it leads. Purpose often reveals itself in the journey, not the destination.

Nick Sasaki:
Thank you all for such profound and actionable wisdom. This conversation has been truly enlightening. Let’s all take a step toward living a life of greater meaning and purpose!

Short Bios:

  • John Kim: Known as "The Angry Therapist," John Kim is a licensed therapist and life coach who emphasizes self-awareness, vulnerability, and accountability in relationships.
  • Esther Perel: A renowned psychotherapist and author, Esther specializes in intimacy and relationships, offering insights on love, desire, and connection.
  • Brené Brown: Researcher and author, Brené Brown is celebrated for her work on vulnerability, courage, and building meaningful connections.
  • Matthew Hussey: A relationship coach and author, Matthew provides practical advice on dating and creating fulfilling partnerships.
  • Joe Dispenza: A neuroscientist and author, Joe Dispenza focuses on breaking old habits and rewiring the brain to create lasting change.
  • Mel Robbins: Motivational speaker and author, Mel Robbins is known for her "5 Second Rule," a tool to overcome procrastination and self-doubt.
  • Carol Dweck: A psychologist and author, Carol Dweck is the pioneer of the growth mindset, promoting the power of belief in self-improvement.
  • Eckhart Tolle: Author of The Power of Now, Tolle emphasizes living in the present moment and transcending ego-driven thought patterns.
  • Deepak Chopra: A spiritual leader and author, Chopra bridges science and spirituality, helping people connect with their inner selves.
  • Byron Katie: Creator of "The Work," Byron Katie teaches a method of self-inquiry to challenge stressful thoughts and achieve inner peace.
  • Viktor Frankl: Psychiatrist and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl explored finding purpose even in life’s most challenging moments.
  • Simon Sinek: Motivational speaker and author, Simon inspires individuals and organizations to discover their "Why" for greater impact.
  • Elizabeth Gilbert: Author of Eat, Pray, Love and Big Magic, Gilbert explores creativity and curiosity as paths to purpose.
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    Filed Under: Relationship, Self-Help, Spirituality Tagged With: Brené Brown courage and relationships, Brené Brown vulnerability tips, Carol Dweck growth mindset guide, Elizabeth Gilbert purpose and curiosity, Esther Perel authentic connection advice, Esther Perel intimacy insights, it's not me it's you book john kim, it's not me it's you john kim, Jane Goodall human-nature connection wisdom, Joe Dispenza breaking old habits, Joe Dispenza mindset transformation, John Kim accountability in love, John Kim authentic connection methods, John Kim breaking blame cycle, John Kim building better relationships, John Kim conflict resolution tips, John Kim emotional healing guide, John Kim emotional intelligence insights, John Kim healing past traumas, John Kim It's not me it's you, John Kim It’s Not Me It’s You book, John Kim love and personal growth, John Kim mindful communication tools, John Kim overcoming relationship struggles, John Kim personal growth strategies, John Kim personal growth tips, John Kim relationship advice, John Kim relationship authenticity guide, John Kim relationship self-help, John Kim self-awareness strategies, John Kim self-awareness tips, John Kim self-improvement for love, John Kim self-reflection exercises, John Kim vulnerability in relationships, Matthew Hussey dating advice, Matthew Hussey relationship building tips, Mel Robbins 5 Second Rule strategies, Rev. Sun Myung Moon unification through love, Saito Hitori happiness and gratitude insights, Simon Sinek discovering your why, Viktor Frankl finding meaning in suffering

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