Ty Tashiro Explores the Science of Happily Ever After in Love

Hello, everyone! Today, we’re diving into one of the most universal and profound topics of our lives: love and relationships. Joining us is a powerhouse lineup of thought leaders, scientists, and relationship experts who will explore what it truly takes to find and sustain a happily ever after. At the center of it all is Ty Tashiro, the brilliant author of The Science of Happily Ever After, whose groundbreaking work sheds light on why so many of us get love wrong—and how we can get it right.

But Ty isn’t here alone. We’re joined by Esther Perel, who brings her profound insights on emotional intimacy and human connection; Helen Fisher, the world’s leading expert on the biology of love; Brené Brown, the champion of vulnerability and courage; and John Gottman, the scientist who’s spent decades decoding the secrets to lasting love.

Together, they’ll take us on a journey through the science of love, compatibility, and resilience. Whether you're single, dating, or in a committed relationship, these imaginary conversations will inspire and empower you to transform your understanding of relationships—and maybe even your life. So, let’s begin!

Prioritizing the Right Traits in a Partner

Nick Sasaki:
Welcome, everyone! It’s an honor to moderate this discussion on prioritizing the right traits in a partner. Ty, your book highlights how we often pick the wrong traits. Can you kick us off with a summary of why kindness and emotional stability matter more than surface-level traits?

Ty Tashiro:
Thank you, Nick. The crux of the issue is that our evolutionary instincts push us toward traits like physical attractiveness or charisma—traits that were once survival advantages. But in modern relationships, these don’t necessarily lead to long-term happiness. Kindness and emotional stability, on the other hand, predict whether a relationship can weather challenges. They foster trust, respect, and a sense of safety, which are foundational to lasting love.

Nick Sasaki:
Esther, how does this align with what you’ve seen in your work with couples?

Esther Perel:
It aligns perfectly, Ty. I always say, “We marry for love, but we stay for how we feel in the relationship.” Kindness creates a nurturing space, while emotional stability ensures we can manage the inevitable conflicts. But I also notice that people often misinterpret kindness as weakness, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Nick Sasaki:
Helen, from a biological perspective, why do we prioritize these “wrong” traits in the first place?

Helen Fisher:
Great question, Nick. It’s deeply embedded in our biology. For instance, physical attractiveness signals health and fertility, which were crucial in early human evolution. Charisma might have indicated leadership or access to resources. But these traits are less relevant today, yet our brains haven’t caught up. The challenge is rewiring ourselves to prioritize qualities that lead to emotional and relational satisfaction.

Nick Sasaki:
Brené, you’ve studied vulnerability extensively. How does that connect with choosing the right traits in a partner?

Brené Brown:
Vulnerability is at the heart of true connection, Nick. A kind and emotionally stable partner creates the conditions where vulnerability can thrive. Without these traits, people often feel judged or unsafe, which stifles intimacy. Choosing a partner who embraces vulnerability alongside you can make all the difference in creating a meaningful relationship.

Nick Sasaki:
John, you’ve spent decades researching what makes relationships last. How do kindness and emotional stability factor into the science of love?

John Gottman:
They’re essential, Nick. In my research, couples who demonstrated consistent kindness toward each other—what I call “bids for connection”—had much higher satisfaction rates. Emotional stability reduces the likelihood of toxic conflict, which is one of the primary predictors of divorce. Relationships thrive when partners approach challenges with generosity and patience.

Nick Sasaki:
Ty, in your book, you mention the “3 Wishes Rule.” Could you elaborate and perhaps get everyone’s thoughts on what their three wishes might be?

Ty Tashiro:
Of course. The “3 Wishes Rule” suggests narrowing your focus to three traits that matter most to you in a partner. For many, these include kindness, emotional stability, and shared values. The idea is to let go of the endless list of “nice-to-haves” and zero in on what truly predicts long-term happiness.

Nick Sasaki:
Esther, what would your three wishes be?

Esther Perel:
I’d choose emotional intelligence, a sense of humor, and curiosity. Emotional intelligence because it’s essential for navigating life’s complexities, humor to lighten the load, and curiosity to keep the relationship evolving.

Nick Sasaki:
Helen, what about you?

Helen Fisher:
I’d go with kindness, shared goals, and passion. Kindness fosters trust, shared goals ensure we’re aligned, and passion adds that spark we all need.

Nick Sasaki:
Brené?

Brené Brown:
For me, it’s kindness, vulnerability, and a strong sense of self. A partner who knows who they are can hold space for you to be your authentic self.

Nick Sasaki:
John, let’s hear your picks.

John Gottman:
I’d choose kindness, emotional stability, and a willingness to work through conflict. Relationships are never perfect, but these traits can help overcome almost any obstacle.

Nick Sasaki:
Thank you all for sharing. Ty, as we wrap up, any final thoughts for those trying to break free from prioritizing the wrong traits?

Ty Tashiro:
Yes, Nick. I’d encourage everyone to be mindful of their patterns and values. It’s not easy to override our instincts, but focusing on what truly makes us happy—kindness, stability, and connection—can lead to the happily ever after we all hope for.

Nick Sasaki:
That’s a wonderful note to end on. Thank you, Ty, Esther, Helen, Brené, and John, for this insightful conversation. I’m sure our audience has learned a lot about choosing the right traits for a fulfilling relationship.

The Science of Compatibility

Nick Sasaki:
Welcome, everyone! Today, we’re diving into the science of compatibility. Ty, your book highlights how shared values and emotional alignment are critical to compatibility. Can you start us off with why these factors matter more than shared hobbies?

Ty Tashiro:
Thank you, Nick. Shared values determine how couples approach major life decisions—things like money, family, and career goals. While shared hobbies are enjoyable, they don’t necessarily indicate deeper alignment. Emotional compatibility, on the other hand, ensures couples can connect during both joyful and challenging times.

Nick Sasaki:
Gary, you’ve written extensively about love languages. How do they play into compatibility?

Gary Chapman:
Great question, Nick. Love languages—how we give and receive love—are a crucial part of emotional compatibility. Misaligned love languages can create misunderstandings, even when the intent is good. Knowing and adapting to your partner’s love language fosters a sense of being truly seen and valued, which strengthens the relationship.

Nick Sasaki:
Sue, your work on attachment styles is well-known. How do attachment patterns affect compatibility?

Sue Johnson:
Attachment styles are foundational, Nick. Secure attachment leads to relationships built on trust and emotional safety, while insecure styles—like anxious or avoidant attachment—can create instability. Understanding and healing attachment wounds allow couples to become more emotionally attuned to one another, boosting compatibility.

Nick Sasaki:
Dan, from a neuroscience perspective, what makes two people “click”?

Dan Siegel:
It’s fascinating, Nick. Neuroscience shows that compatibility often involves what we call “resonance”—when two brains sync up emotionally. This can be seen in the way partners respond to each other’s emotions with empathy and understanding. It’s less about shared interests and more about how well you can attune to one another on a deeper, emotional level.

Nick Sasaki:
Harville, your Imago Therapy emphasizes understanding unconscious patterns. How does this relate to compatibility?

Harville Hendrix:
Imago Therapy teaches that we often choose partners who reflect unresolved issues from our childhood. This can lead to both challenges and growth. Compatibility isn’t about avoiding these issues but working through them together, creating a deeper bond and mutual understanding.

Nick Sasaki:
Ty, your book mentions emotional stability as a cornerstone of compatibility. Can you elaborate?

Ty Tashiro:
Absolutely. Emotional stability allows couples to handle conflicts without escalation. It also helps partners recover quickly from stress, preventing small issues from turning into bigger problems. It’s a key predictor of long-term happiness.

Nick Sasaki:
Gary, how do love languages fit into conflict resolution, a vital aspect of compatibility?

Gary Chapman:
Great question, Nick. During conflicts, understanding your partner’s love language can help diffuse tension. For instance, someone whose love language is Words of Affirmation will respond better to calm, validating words, while someone who values Acts of Service might appreciate gestures of reconciliation.

Nick Sasaki:
Sue, how can couples strengthen their emotional connection to improve compatibility?

Sue Johnson:
It starts with creating moments of emotional vulnerability, Nick. Sharing fears, dreams, and even insecurities in a safe environment builds trust and intimacy. Simple practices like focused listening and physical affection can strengthen the emotional bond.

Nick Sasaki:
Dan, are there specific habits or behaviors that couples can develop to enhance compatibility?

Dan Siegel:
Definitely. Practices like mindfulness and reflective listening help partners stay present and connected. Regularly expressing gratitude also rewires the brain to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship, enhancing overall compatibility.

Nick Sasaki:
Harville, how can individuals work on themselves to become more compatible with a partner?

Harville Hendrix:
It’s all about self-awareness, Nick. Recognizing your triggers and learning to regulate your emotions is key. When both partners commit to personal growth, they create a relationship that’s more resilient and aligned.

Nick Sasaki:
As we wrap up, Ty, any final thoughts on how couples can navigate compatibility challenges?

Ty Tashiro:
Yes, Nick. Compatibility isn’t about finding someone perfect but about growing together. Focus on shared values, emotional stability, and open communication, and you’ll create a foundation that lasts.

Nick Sasaki:
Thank you, Ty, Gary, Sue, Dan, and Harville, for such an enlightening conversation. I’m sure our audience now has a deeper understanding of what truly makes two people compatible.

Pitfalls of Modern Relationship Choices

Nick Sasaki:
Welcome, everyone! Today we’re exploring the challenges and pitfalls of modern relationship choices. Ty, your book highlights how people often prioritize the wrong traits in a partner. Can you share why this happens and how it’s compounded by today’s dating culture?

Ty Tashiro:
Thanks, Nick. One of the biggest issues is that we’re drawn to traits like physical attractiveness and charisma because they’re easy to recognize and biologically appealing. But these traits don’t predict long-term relationship satisfaction. In today’s dating culture, with apps and online platforms, the sheer volume of choices magnifies this problem. People often make snap judgments based on profiles, overlooking qualities that matter for lasting happiness.

Nick Sasaki:
Logan, your book addresses how modern dating practices can work against us. What are some common pitfalls you see?

Logan Ury:
Absolutely, Nick. One major pitfall is “choice overload.” Dating apps present an endless supply of potential partners, which can lead to indecision or unrealistic expectations. Another issue is the focus on instant chemistry. People often swipe left on someone who might be a great long-term partner simply because they don’t feel immediate sparks.

Nick Sasaki:
Jean, you’ve studied how technology affects relationships. How do generational behaviors play into these modern pitfalls?

Jean Twenge:
Great question. Technology, particularly social media and dating apps, has fundamentally changed how younger generations approach relationships. There’s a tendency to focus on curating a perfect online persona rather than building genuine connections. Additionally, the constant availability of new options can make it harder to commit, as people fear “settling” when they could find someone better.

Nick Sasaki:
Barry, your concept of the “paradox of choice” fits perfectly here. How does having too many options impact relationships?

Barry Schwartz:
Thanks, Nick. The paradox of choice shows that more options can lead to less satisfaction. In dating, people often second-guess their decisions, wondering if they could have done better. This creates a phenomenon I call “maximizing,” where individuals try to find the perfect partner instead of someone who is “good enough” and compatible. This pursuit of perfection often leads to dissatisfaction and loneliness.

Nick Sasaki:
Neil, you’ve been at the forefront of online matchmaking. What are the biggest challenges you see in today’s dating landscape?

Neil Clark Warren:
The biggest challenge, Nick, is helping people focus on the deeper aspects of compatibility. Many users prioritize surface-level traits like photos or income, which don’t align with long-term happiness. At eHarmony, we’ve worked to shift the focus toward shared values and emotional connection, but it’s an uphill battle in today’s swipe culture.

Nick Sasaki:
Ty, how does the focus on instant gratification affect people’s ability to build lasting relationships?

Ty Tashiro:
It’s a significant issue, Nick. Instant gratification encourages people to prioritize excitement and novelty over stability and depth. While initial chemistry is fun, it’s not a good predictor of relationship success. Building a meaningful connection takes time and effort, which can be hard for those used to the instant feedback loops of modern technology.

Nick Sasaki:
Logan, what advice do you give to people overwhelmed by the endless options in dating?

Logan Ury:
I tell them to focus on “good enough.” Instead of searching for someone who checks every box, look for someone who meets your core needs and is willing to grow with you. Also, set boundaries—don’t spend hours swiping. Instead, invest time in getting to know someone beyond their profile.

Nick Sasaki:
Jean, how can people counteract the negative effects of technology on their relationships?

Jean Twenge:
One key strategy is to be intentional. Limit your time on dating apps and social media, and focus on building in-person connections. Also, practice digital mindfulness by recognizing when technology is causing stress or unrealistic comparisons, and take breaks when needed.

Nick Sasaki:
Barry, what mindset shift can help people embrace commitment despite the abundance of choices?

Barry Schwartz:
Adopt a “satisficer” mindset. Instead of aiming for the “perfect” partner, look for someone who meets your most important criteria and makes you happy. Research shows that satisficers tend to be more satisfied with their decisions, including in relationships.

Nick Sasaki:
Neil, what’s one piece of advice you’d give to someone struggling with modern dating?

Neil Clark Warren:
Focus on compatibility. Ask yourself if this person shares your values, goals, and emotional outlook. If the answer is yes, give the relationship time to grow before making a decision based on fleeting impressions.

Nick Sasaki:
Ty, as we close, what’s the most important takeaway for avoiding the pitfalls of modern dating?

Ty Tashiro:
Be intentional. Know what traits truly matter to you, and don’t let the noise of apps and social expectations distract you from building a meaningful connection.

Nick Sasaki:
Thank you, Ty, Logan, Jean, Barry, and Neil, for such an engaging discussion. I hope our audience takes these insights to heart as they navigate the complexities of modern relationships.

Building a Relationship That Lasts

Nick Sasaki:
Welcome, everyone! Today we’ll explore how to build a relationship that lasts. Ty, in your book, you emphasize that love isn’t enough for a successful relationship. Could you start by explaining why?

Ty Tashiro:
Thank you, Nick. While love is important, it’s just the starting point. Long-term success in relationships requires practical compatibility, shared values, and mutual respect. Without these, even strong romantic feelings can wane over time. It’s about building a strong foundation and maintaining it through effort and commitment.

Nick Sasaki:
Terri, your research focuses on taking relationships from good to great. What are the key steps couples can take to strengthen their bond?

Terri Orbuch:
Great question, Nick. One of the most important steps is nurturing positivity in the relationship. This includes expressing gratitude regularly, engaging in shared activities, and communicating openly about needs and desires. Small, consistent acts of appreciation can have a significant impact over time.

Nick Sasaki:
Michele, you’ve helped countless couples repair relationships. What’s the most common issue you see in struggling couples, and how can it be addressed?

Michele Weiner-Davis:
The most common issue is the loss of emotional connection. Couples often get caught up in daily routines and stop prioritizing their relationship. To address this, I encourage couples to create “rituals of connection”—things like regular date nights or check-ins where they focus solely on each other. These small but meaningful moments can reignite intimacy and trust.

Nick Sasaki:
Tara, mindfulness has become a popular tool for personal growth. How can it be applied to strengthen relationships?

Tara Brach:
Mindfulness is incredibly powerful, Nick. It helps individuals become more present and attentive in their relationships. When couples practice mindfulness, they learn to respond rather than react during conflicts. This creates a space for empathy and understanding, which are crucial for long-term connection.

Nick Sasaki:
Scott, your research emphasizes the importance of commitment. How does a strong commitment influence a relationship’s longevity?

Scott Stanley:
Commitment creates a sense of security, Nick. When both partners are fully invested, they’re more likely to work through challenges rather than walk away at the first sign of trouble. Commitment also fosters a long-term perspective, which helps couples focus on growth and resilience over time.

Nick Sasaki:
Ty, you mention emotional stability as a key predictor of lasting relationships. How can couples cultivate this trait?

Ty Tashiro:
It starts with self-awareness, Nick. Each partner needs to understand their emotional triggers and work on managing them. Couples can also create a supportive environment where they feel safe expressing emotions. This stability allows them to navigate conflicts without escalating into unhealthy patterns.

Nick Sasaki:
Terri, what role does communication play in building a relationship that lasts?

Terri Orbuch:
It’s absolutely essential, Nick. Open, honest communication helps partners understand each other’s needs, resolve conflicts, and build trust. I encourage couples to practice active listening—truly hearing and validating their partner’s feelings, even when they disagree.

Nick Sasaki:
Michele, what advice do you have for couples facing a major crisis?

Michele Weiner-Davis:
In a crisis, it’s important to focus on the shared goal of saving the relationship. Couples should avoid blaming and instead work as a team to find solutions. Seeking professional help early can also make a huge difference, as it provides tools and guidance to navigate tough times.

Nick Sasaki:
Tara, how can mindfulness help couples stay connected during life’s inevitable challenges?

Tara Brach:
Mindfulness teaches couples to pause and reconnect with their intentions. For example, during a heated argument, taking a few deep breaths can create space for compassion rather than anger. This practice helps couples stay anchored in their love and commitment, even in difficult moments.

Nick Sasaki:
Scott, what’s one actionable tip for couples to strengthen their commitment?

Scott Stanley:
I suggest creating “future rituals.” These are shared plans or traditions, like annual vacations or weekly dinners, that symbolize a couple’s shared future. These rituals reinforce the idea that the relationship is a priority and something they’re building together.

Nick Sasaki:
Ty, as we close, what’s the most important piece of advice you’d give to couples who want their relationship to thrive?

Ty Tashiro:
Focus on the little things, Nick. It’s not grand gestures but consistent, everyday acts of kindness, patience, and effort that build a lasting relationship.

Nick Sasaki:
Thank you, Ty, Terri, Michele, Tara, and Scott, for this enriching discussion. I’m sure our audience is walking away with valuable insights into building a relationship that truly lasts.

Improving Your Odds of Happily Ever After

Nick Sasaki:
Welcome, everyone! Today we’re exploring how to improve your odds of achieving “happily ever after.” Ty, let’s start with you. Your book emphasizes self-awareness and intentional decision-making. Can you explain how these elements set the stage for lasting happiness in relationships?

Ty Tashiro:
Thanks, Nick. Self-awareness is critical because it helps people recognize their own patterns and priorities. Too often, we make decisions based on short-term gratification or societal expectations rather than what truly aligns with our values. Intentional decision-making means focusing on traits like kindness, emotional stability, and shared goals—qualities that predict long-term relationship satisfaction.

Nick Sasaki:
Sheryl, you’ve written about being deliberate in personal and professional decisions. How can intentional decision-making transform our approach to relationships?

Sheryl Sandberg:
Great question, Nick. Intentional decision-making helps us avoid settling or making choices out of fear. In relationships, this means taking the time to understand what truly matters to you—values, life goals, emotional compatibility—and ensuring your partner shares those priorities. It’s about being proactive rather than reactive in your choices.

Nick Sasaki:
Elizabeth, your journey in Eat, Pray, Love focused heavily on self-discovery. How does personal growth factor into improving relationship outcomes?

Elizabeth Gilbert:
It’s everything, Nick. You can’t expect a relationship to thrive if you don’t know yourself. Personal growth allows you to show up as a whole, authentic person in a relationship. When you’ve done the work to understand your needs, fears, and desires, you’re much more likely to attract and sustain a healthy partnership.

Nick Sasaki:
Mark, your work often emphasizes clarity in values. How does this apply to relationships?

Mark Manson:
It’s simple, Nick: clarity about your values creates clarity in your relationships. If you know what you stand for and what you need in a partner, you’re less likely to waste time on relationships that aren’t a good fit. It also makes it easier to navigate conflicts, as you can identify whether disagreements are surface-level or rooted in deeper incompatibilities.

Nick Sasaki:
James, your work on habits is all about small, consistent actions. How can this concept improve relationships?

James Clear:
Relationships thrive on habits, Nick. Small, consistent actions—like expressing gratitude, actively listening, or showing affection—build trust and connection over time. It’s the daily effort that creates lasting happiness, not the occasional grand gestures.

Nick Sasaki:
Ty, you’ve mentioned the importance of emotional stability. How can individuals cultivate this trait to improve their odds in relationships?

Ty Tashiro:
Emotional stability starts with self-regulation. Practices like mindfulness or therapy can help people manage their emotions and respond to stress in healthier ways. When both partners bring emotional stability to the relationship, it creates a safe and nurturing environment for love to grow.

Nick Sasaki:
Sheryl, how can people balance being intentional with embracing the unpredictability of love?

Sheryl Sandberg:
It’s about setting a strong foundation while staying open to surprises. You can be clear about your non-negotiables—shared values, kindness—but still embrace the unexpected ways love can evolve. Intentionality isn’t about controlling everything; it’s about knowing what matters most and letting the rest unfold naturally.

Nick Sasaki:
Elizabeth, what advice would you give to someone who feels stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns?

Elizabeth Gilbert:
Start by looking inward, Nick. Ask yourself why you’re drawn to those patterns. Often, it’s tied to unresolved fears or a lack of self-worth. Once you understand the root causes, you can start making different choices—ones that honor your true self and your deepest needs.

Nick Sasaki:
Mark, many people struggle with letting go of perfection in relationships. How can they embrace imperfection?

Mark Manson:
Perfection is a myth, Nick. People need to stop looking for the “perfect” partner and instead look for someone who aligns with their values and accepts their flaws. The best relationships are built on mutual respect and a shared willingness to work through imperfections together.

Nick Sasaki:
James, how can someone build better relationship habits starting today?

James Clear:
Start small, Nick. For example, make it a habit to express one specific compliment or appreciation to your partner every day. These small actions compound over time and create a culture of positivity and connection in the relationship.

Nick Sasaki:
Ty, as we wrap up, what’s the most important mindset shift for improving your odds of “happily ever after”?

Ty Tashiro:
Recognize that love is a skill, not just a feeling. Approach relationships with the mindset of learning, growing, and actively building something meaningful together.

Nick Sasaki:
Thank you, Ty, Sheryl, Elizabeth, Mark, and James, for sharing such powerful insights. I’m confident our audience has gained practical tools to improve their odds of finding and keeping a happy, fulfilling relationship.

Short Bios: