Ultimate 5-Day DC Adventure with Conan O’Brien: History & Hilarity

(Scene opens with Conan O’Brien standing dramatically in front of the Lincoln Memorial. The sun is rising behind him, casting a golden glow, while cherry blossoms drift poetically in the breeze. He adjusts his tie, takes a deep breath, and—immediately trips over his own feet.)

Conan O’Brien (recovering, brushing off imaginary dust):
“Ladies and gentlemen, history lovers, confused tourists, and those of you who clicked on this thinking it was an actual educational documentary—welcome to the most absurd, utterly unhinged, and possibly illegal tour of Washington, DC you will ever experience!”

(Camera pans to his fellow travel companions—Ryan Reynolds, Tiffany Haddish, Kal Penn, and a very intense-looking Nicolas Cage—who are all seated on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, looking half-amused, half-ready to run from the authorities.)

Conan (gesturing around dramatically):
“This week, we embarked on an epic five-day journey through the nation’s capital. We explored monuments, museums, cherry blossoms, and top-secret underground tunnels we were probably not supposed to be in. We made enemies with a peacock, attempted to decode hidden messages in the Declaration of Independence, and I was personally humiliated by a very judgmental duck at the Reflecting Pool.”

(Cut to a flashback of a duck angrily quacking at Conan while he screams in terror and runs away.)

Conan (turning back to the camera, ignoring Ryan’s smirk):
“But this wasn’t just any ordinary sightseeing trip. No, no, no. This was a fully immersive, historically questionable, and borderline criminal experience! And I wasn’t alone.”

(He waves to his travel squad, introducing them one by one as the camera zooms in on each of them.)

Ryan Reynolds – “Our resident smart-mouth and international heartthrob who spent most of the trip making fun of me and, in return, I made sure he got chased by a goose at the National Zoo.”

Tiffany Haddish – “The queen of keeping it real, who nearly fought a peacock, declared herself President Haddish in the U.S. Capitol, and attempted to steal Thomas Jefferson’s wig from the Smithsonian.”

Kal Penn – “Our token responsible adult, here to remind us of actual historical facts while simultaneously getting roped into our terrible decisions. He may or may not have a permanent ban from the National Archives after today.”

Nicolas Cage – “And finally, the man, the myth, the legend—the one and only Nicolas Cage, who convinced us to go full-on treasure hunt mode through DC’s secret tunnels, leading to absolutely nothing except mild legal trouble.”

(Nicolas Cage nods solemnly, as if he is still processing the weight of the adventure.)

Conan (clapping his hands together):
“So, if you’re ready to experience history the way it was never meant to be experienced, join us on this wild ride through Washington, DC. We’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll probably get detained at some point—but one thing’s for sure, we will never look at this city the same way again.”

(Dramatic pause. The cherry blossoms swirl. A bald eagle cries in the distance. Ryan Reynolds fake wipes away a tear.)

Conan (grinning):
“Buckle up, folks—this is gonna be a trip for the history books!”

(Cue montage of ridiculous DC highlights: Conan running from the peacock, Tiffany yelling at Congress, Ryan pretending to be a lost tourist, Kal holding his head in his hands in frustration, and Nicolas Cage dramatically staring at an old map.)

Washington, DC… like you’ve never seen it before.

(Note: This is an imaginary conversation, a creative exploration of an idea, and not a real speech or event.) 

Washington DC’s Landmarks & Cherry Blossoms

Setting:

It’s a crisp spring morning in Washington, DC. The air is fresh with a hint of cherry blossom fragrance, and a gentle breeze rustles the pink petals overhead. The reflecting pool shimmers under the rising sun, mirroring the Lincoln Memorial, where our comedic dream team has just gathered.

Scene 1: The Lincoln Memorial – Epic Speeches and Fumbling Tourists

Mo Rocca (adjusting his glasses, standing near the steps):
"Welcome to the Lincoln Memorial! Did you know that Lincoln's hands are shaped in American Sign Language for ‘A’ and ‘L’? Conspiracy or coincidence?"

Conan O’Brien (stroking his chin):
"Obviously a secret message to me personally. ‘A.L.’ must stand for… ‘Absolutely Lanky,’ my presidential nickname if I ever get elected."

Leslie Knope (gasping with delight):
"This is it! The greatest tribute to democracy ever built! I’ve prepared a 30-minute speech about why I should live here."

Steve Carell (deadpan):
"Leslie, this is a memorial. Lincoln doesn’t rent out rooms."

Leslie (already climbing onto the steps, dramatically raising her arms):
"FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO—"

(A group of bewildered tourists stops mid-photo as Leslie goes full theatrical mode. A park ranger quietly shakes his head, but doesn’t intervene—clearly, he’s seen worse.)

Conan (whispering to Steve):
"Should we tell her she’s not actually auditioning for Hamilton?"

Steve Carell:
"Nah, let’s let her have this moment. It’s too good."

(The team watches as a gentle gust of wind lifts cherry blossom petals into the air, making Leslie look mystically presidential. A nearby family claps, thinking she’s an official tour guide.)

Scene 2: The Reflecting Pool – Duck Diplomacy & Misguided Paddle Boats

Mo Rocca (motioning toward the water):
"The Reflecting Pool is not just scenic—it was the site of Martin Luther King Jr.’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech. Also, fun fact: the ducks here have seen more awkward first dates than Tinder itself."

(As if on cue, a duck waddles up to Conan and quacks aggressively.)

Conan (pointing at the duck, horrified):
"It knows something. Look at its eyes—it’s plotting something. This is like House of Cards, but for ducks."

Steve Carell (nodding seriously):
"You just insulted it, Conan. Now you have to make amends."

(Conan kneels and begins a formal diplomatic negotiation with the duck, speaking in over-the-top regal tones.)

Conan:
"My dear duck emissary, I come in peace. I shall not disturb your waters, nor your majestic kingdom."

(The duck quacks once and flaps its wings, splashing water onto Conan. Leslie bursts into applause.)

Leslie Knope:
"YES! Duck democracy wins again!"

Mo Rocca (chuckling):
"Historically speaking, ducks have a long history of intimidating world leaders. I believe one bit John Adams."

(Meanwhile, Steve and Conan have managed to rent a paddleboat, a questionable decision at best. The water glistens under the sun, reflecting the pink cherry blossoms.)

Steve Carell (rowing in slow, exhausted movements):
"This was a horrible idea."

Conan (legs tangled, trying to steer in circles):
"I’M STUCK. The duck is watching. It’s judging me."

(A group of schoolkids in another boat glides past effortlessly, pointing and giggling at the two grown men failing to row.)

Leslie (yelling from shore):
"You guys are an embarrassment to America!"

Scene 3: Cherry Blossoms at the Tidal Basin – A Petal-Filled Revelation

(The team strolls along the Tidal Basin, the air thick with the scent of cherry blossoms. The petals drift down like confetti, and soft laughter from families enjoying the scenery fills the air.)

Mo Rocca (grinning):
"Here’s a fun secret—if you come here late at night, it feels like an enchanted forest. But back in the day, people used to complain about the smell of rotting petals."

Conan (mock horror):
"That’s it! I knew the cherry blossoms were up to something sinister. First, they lure you in with their beauty, then—BAM! You’re in a pollen-filled nightmare."

Leslie (softly, staring at the trees):
"You know… sometimes, the best moments are the ones where you stop talking and just take it in."

(The group stands in silence for a beat, watching the wind dance through the pink canopy of blossoms. The moment is briefly peaceful… until Steve Carell sneezes loudly, ruining it.)

Steve Carell:
"Spring is trying to kill me."

Leslie (cheerfully):
"Then at least you’ll die surrounded by nature’s glory!"

Conan:
"I’ll make sure the duck gives your eulogy."

End Scene: Sunset at the Jefferson Memorial

(The sky turns soft orange and pink as they sit on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial, overlooking the calm waters. A few final cherry blossoms drift past, catching the last golden rays of sunlight.)

Mo Rocca (wistfully):
"This is the part of the day where I usually reflect on democracy and the meaning of leadership…"

Conan (stretching dramatically):
"And this is the part where I reflect on how much my legs hurt from all this walking."

Leslie (satisfied, looking at the horizon):
"Tomorrow… museums. My home turf. You guys better bring your A-game."

Steve Carell:
"As long as there are no ducks."

Conan:
"No promises. I think we just started a turf war."

(The scene fades as the last light of the sun hits the water, a perfect cherry blossom-filled day coming to a hilarious end.)

DC’s Museums with Bill Nye, Robin Williams (as Teddy Roosevelt), and Patton Oswalt

Setting:

The sun rises over Washington, DC, casting a golden glow on the Smithsonian museums as our crew gathers outside the Air and Space Museum. The morning air is crisp but quickly warming up, carrying the distant hum of city life and excited chatter of school groups on field trips.

As the doors open, Conan O’Brien, Bill Nye, Robin Williams (as Teddy Roosevelt), and Patton Oswalt prepare for a day of chaotic learning, inappropriate museum behavior, and possibly getting kicked out of an exhibit.

Scene 1: The Air & Space Museum – Flight, Failure, and Conan’s Midlife Crisis

(The group enters the Smithsonian National Air & Space Museum, where the scent of polished metal and history lingers. The Apollo 11 module looms above them, and a massive crowd of schoolchildren runs past, their sneakers squeaking on the floor.)

Bill Nye (excited, pointing at a Wright brothers’ plane):
"This is where it all began! 1903, Kitty Hawk, North Carolina—the first powered flight!"

Conan (tilting his head):
"Are we sure? I feel like birds might have beaten them to it."

Patton Oswalt (grinning):
"Yeah, somewhere an eagle is like, ‘Oh wow, two guys in tweed went 120 feet, give them a medal.’"

Robin Williams (stroking his mustache as Teddy Roosevelt):
"Ah, but what is flight but the bold pursuit of the heavens? These men, these dreamers—like Icarus, but with slightly better engineering!"

Conan (pointing to the Apollo 11 module):
"I think I could be an astronaut. NASA needs a comedian, right?"

Bill Nye (nodding seriously):
"Well, astronauts undergo years of rigorous training, physical conditioning, and extreme discipline—"

Conan (interrupting):
"…so I’d be perfect."

Patton Oswalt (deadpan):
"Yeah, I can see it. ‘Houston, we have a problem… Conan can’t fit into his spacesuit because of his gigantic legs.’"

(Conan pretends to float in zero gravity, knocking over a nearby museum sign. Security eyes them suspiciously.)

Scene 2: Museum of Natural History – Dinosaurs & Conan’s Existential Crisis

(They enter the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History, greeted by the towering Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton. The air smells of polished marble and faint traces of ancient dust. Families wander through exhibits, marveling at gems, mummies, and prehistoric creatures.)

Robin Williams (as Teddy, staring up at the T. rex):
"Ah-ha! Behold, the mighty king of beasts! What a thrill it would be to hunt one in the Dakota Badlands!"

Patton Oswalt:
"Yeah, or just... you know, watch Jurassic Park like a normal person."

Conan (staring at a fossilized fish):
"Wait, how do we know these things actually looked like this? What if dinosaurs had feathers? What if T. rex had a full, luscious head of hair?"

Bill Nye (adjusting his bow tie):
"Actually, some species of dinosaurs did have feathers! We now believe many were more bird-like than we originally thought."

Conan (gasps, pointing dramatically at a velociraptor fossil):
"So what you’re saying is… that’s a giant murder chicken?"

Robin (nodding sagely):
"Aye! And what a fearsome omelet it would lay!"

Patton Oswalt:
"I swear, if I hear one more ‘T. rex with tiny arms’ joke, I’m leaving this exhibit."

Conan:
"Fine. I won’t mention the tiny arms. But can we talk about its sad little dating life? Poor guy couldn't even hug his girlfriend."

(A nearby tour group erupts into laughter. The museum docent sighs but lets it slide.)

Scene 3: American History Museum – Pop Culture Meltdown

(The crew steps into the Smithsonian National Museum of American History. The air is filled with nostalgia, the scent of polished glass and old documents lingering in the halls. They enter the Star-Spangled Banner exhibit, where the original flag is dramatically lit.)

Robin Williams (softly, as Teddy Roosevelt, placing a hand on his chest):
"This… this is the fabric of a nation. Stitched with courage, held together by the sweat of patriots."

Conan (whispering to Patton):
"Should we tell him it’s just fabric?"

Patton Oswalt:
"He’s too deep in character. Let him have this."

(The group moves on to the pop culture exhibit, featuring Mr. Rogers’ cardigan, Dorothy’s ruby slippers, and a life-size C-3PO.)

Conan (staring at C-3PO):
"I think this is my long-lost twin."

Bill Nye (pointing to the ruby slippers):
"You know, the Wizard of Oz used to be in black and white before they transitioned to color."

Conan (mocking):
"Wow, Bill, thanks for the brand-new information."

Patton Oswalt (gasping, pointing at Mr. Rogers’ sweater):
"THIS is the most important artifact in this entire museum. Mr. Rogers was our national treasure."

Robin Williams (nodding):
"Indeed, a man who built bridges of kindness with the simplest of words."

Conan (softly, actually sincere for a moment):
"Yeah… he really was."

(The group falls into a rare moment of reverence, absorbing the quiet power of the display. That is, until a museum security guard coughs loudly, snapping them back to reality.)

Scene 4: National Gallery of Art Sculpture Garden – Ice Cream & Ridiculous Posing

(They end the day at the National Gallery of Art Sculpture Garden, where the sun sets in streaks of orange and purple. They sit near the fountain, eating ice cream, surrounded by massive abstract sculptures.)

Conan (licking his ice cream, dramatically posing like one of the statues):
"I call this piece… Man with Melting Cone. A commentary on fleeting youth."

Robin Williams (doing a grandiose bow):
"And I present… Man Who Sat in Ice Cream."

(They all turn to Patton Oswalt, who looks down in horror at a chocolate smear on his jeans.)

Patton:
"NOOOOO. THIS IS WHY I CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS."

Bill Nye (laughing):
"And this, kids, is called entropy!"

(The group laughs uncontrollably, the soft breeze rustling the cherry blossoms nearby. The day ends with sticky hands, tired feet, and hilarious memories.)

National Zoo & U.S. Capitol with Ryan Reynolds, Tiffany Haddish, and Kal Penn

Setting:

It’s a fresh spring morning in Washington, DC, and the smell of damp earth and blooming cherry blossoms fills the air. The group gathers at the Smithsonian National Zoo, the sounds of chattering families, distant elephant trumpets, and occasional bird calls blending into the city’s hum.

Today’s mission? Survive the zoo, avoid political scandals, and possibly befriend a panda.

Scene 1: The National Zoo – Pandas, Peacock Chases & Animal Shenanigans

(The group enters the National Zoo, where the air smells faintly of hay and adventure. Children lean against fences, pointing at animals, while a zookeeper gives a talk near the panda exhibit.)

Ryan Reynolds (adjusting his sunglasses, looking around):
"So, we’re about to see the most powerful figure in Washington, right?"

Conan O’Brien:
"Yes. The panda."

Tiffany Haddish (clapping her hands excitedly):
"I’ve waited my whole life for this! I swear, if I don’t get to hug a panda, I’m flipping a table."

Kal Penn (grinning):
"Fun fact: The National Zoo was one of the first places in the U.S. to get pandas from China back in the ’70s. They've basically been DC’s VIPs ever since."

Conan (staring at the enclosure, watching a panda lazily chewing bamboo):
"You’re telling me this guy gets free food, naps all day, and people travel across the country just to watch him? How do I sign up for this life?"

Ryan Reynolds (leaning in, whispering to the panda):
"Hey buddy, let’s trade places. You take my next movie role, I eat bamboo and sleep for 18 hours a day. Win-win."

(The panda, completely unbothered, blinks slowly, then farts audibly. The crowd bursts into laughter.)

Tiffany Haddish (doubling over laughing):
"This panda just set the whole mood for the day! He don’t care at ALL."

(A few minutes later, they pass a roaming peacock, its feathers shimmering in the sunlight. It eyes Conan suspiciously.)

Conan (nervous, backing away):
"Okay, why does that bird look like it wants to fight me?"

Kal Penn (casually taking out his phone):
"DC peacocks have seen things, man. They hold grudges."

Ryan Reynolds:
"If you get chased by a peacock, I will film it and make it the most-watched video on YouTube."

(As if on cue, the peacock suddenly flares its feathers and takes a step toward Conan. He shrieks and takes off running, with the peacock in hot pursuit. Ryan and Tiffany are crying with laughter.)

Scene 2: Lunch at Union Market – Food, Gossip, and Conan’s Next Disaster

(After barely escaping the peacock standoff, the crew makes their way to Union Market, a lively food hall filled with the aroma of international cuisine. The sizzle of grills and chatter of locals create a lively atmosphere as they sit down with burgers, tacos, and milkshakes.)

Tiffany Haddish (taking a massive bite of her burger):
"Y’all, I don’t even care if I get ketchup on my shirt. This is my happy place."

Kal Penn (gesturing toward Conan, who is suspiciously quiet):
"Okay, you’ve been weirdly quiet since we sat down. What’s wrong?"

Conan (dramatically placing his head on the table):
"The peacock humiliated me. I am no longer an alpha male."

Ryan Reynolds (chewing thoughtfully):
"Well, technically, you never were, but it’s cute that you thought so."

Scene 3: The U.S. Capitol – Debating Bills and Breaking Rules

(The group arrives at the U.S. Capitol, the massive white dome gleaming under the afternoon sun. The air smells of freshly cut grass and political ambition. Tourists shuffle in and out, whispering excitedly as they walk through the grand Rotunda.)

Kal Penn (pointing at the dome):
"That’s where Congress debates bills and occasionally remembers they work for the people."

Tiffany Haddish:
"Let me get this straight—this whole place is run by a bunch of dudes arguing all day?"

Ryan Reynolds (nodding):
"Yep. It's basically a reality show, but with more paperwork."

(A tour guide leads them into the National Statuary Hall, where massive statues of historical figures loom over them.)

Tour Guide (softly, reverently):
"This hall was used as the original House of Representatives chamber. The acoustics are so precise that whispers can be heard across the room."

Conan (whispering from one side of the room):
"Kal smells like panda farts."

Kal Penn (from the other side, gasping):
"I HEARD THAT."

(The tour guide sighs as if this is not the first time he’s had an immature group in the building.)

Tiffany Haddish (grinning, whispering into the chamber):
"I want tacos."

Ryan Reynolds (whispering back):
"Me too. Let’s get out of here."

Scene 4: Eastern Market & Sunset at Hains Point

(The group strolls through Eastern Market, where the smell of freshly baked bread and local flowers fills the air. Tiffany buys a handmade scarf, while Conan tries to haggle over a $3 keychain.)

Vendor (deadpan):
"It’s literally three dollars."

Conan (sighing):
"Fine, you win this round."

(They end their day at Hains Point, a quiet spot with stunning cherry blossom views. The sky is a mix of pink, orange, and deep blue, and the water glows in the fading light.)

Ryan Reynolds (taking a deep breath):
"Okay, even I have to admit, this place is magical."

Tiffany Haddish:
"I ain’t gonna lie, I thought DC was just old buildings and people in suits, but this is gorgeous."

Conan (dramatically sighing, looking at the horizon):
"It’s been a long journey. I made a peacock enemy, I nearly got kicked out of the Capitol, and I now respect pandas more than I respect myself."

Kal Penn (laughing):
"And that, my friends, is the perfect ending to a DC trip."

(They sit in comfortable silence, watching as the last cherry blossom petals drift in the breeze, the lights of the city twinkling in the distance.)

Hunt for DC’s Secret Hidden Treasures

Setting:

It’s Day 4 in Washington, DC, and instead of following the standard itinerary, Conan O’Brien, Ryan Reynolds, Tiffany Haddish, and Kal Penn have been whisked away on a secret mission.

Today’s adventure?
A mystery tour guide has promised to reveal Washington’s best-kept secrets, underground tunnels, and hidden treasures. The team has no idea what they’re in for—but they’re about to turn into a ridiculous, chaotic version of Indiana Jones.

Scene 1: A Secret Door Inside the Library of Congress

(Our crew stands in the Library of Congress, surrounded by towering bookshelves and the scent of aged parchment and polished wood. A mystery tour guide, wearing a fedora and sunglasses indoors, leads them through a restricted hallway. The air is heavy with dust and mystery.)

Mystery Tour Guide (dramatic whisper):
"You’re about to see what few have ever seen… a secret passage built beneath the Library of Congress, rumored to be used by presidents and spies alike."

Conan (adjusting his non-existent fedora):
"This is it. My moment. I was born for this treasure hunt. Call me… Conan the Explorer."

Ryan Reynolds:
"Already regretting this."

(The tour guide presses a hidden latch on a bookshelf, and with a soft click the shelf swings open. Behind it, a narrow stone tunnel stretches into darkness.)

Tiffany Haddish (wide-eyed):
"Ohhhh, this is some Da Vinci Code stuff right here!"

Kal Penn (peering inside, skeptical):
"Are we sure we’re not just walking into a boiler room?"

Conan (stepping forward dramatically):
"If we don’t make it out of here… tell my wife I left all my money to my dog."

Ryan Reynolds:
"Same."

(The group enters the passageway, the temperature dropping slightly. The walls are lined with ancient-looking bricks, flickering lightbulbs, and weirdly placed historical paintings. The sound of dripping water echoes ominously.)

Scene 2: The Lost Tunnel Beneath the U.S. Capitol

(The group emerges into a vast underground tunnel, dimly lit by antique lanterns. Old furniture, dusty crates, and faded maps litter the space.)

Kal Penn (pointing at an old wooden sign):
"This says ‘Confidential—Property of the U.S. Government.’ Should we even be here?"

Ryan Reynolds:
"Legally? Probably not. But for the sake of comedy? Absolutely."

Conan (brushing dust off an ancient-looking chair):
"This must be where presidents sat when they needed a break from running the country."

Tiffany Haddish (plopping down in the chair):
"Alright, I’m President Haddish now. First order of business? Mandatory snack breaks for all Americans."

(The mystery tour guide moves aside an old cabinet, revealing a rusted metal door. He places his hand on it dramatically.)

Mystery Tour Guide:
"Legend has it… behind this door lies a forgotten chamber filled with artifacts no one has seen in a hundred years."

Conan (nodding seriously):
"Or, option B… it’s a janitor’s closet."

(The tour guide grins and turns the handle. The door creaks open, revealing a dust-covered chamber… filled with bizarre objects. The group steps inside.)

Scene 3: The Room of Forgotten Presidential Artifacts

(The room is filled with random, weirdly specific artifacts—including George Washington’s fake wooden teeth, Teddy Roosevelt’s broken glasses, a collection of secret presidential handwritten notes, and a stack of mystery files labeled ‘TOP SECRET.’)

Ryan Reynolds (pointing to Washington’s wooden teeth):
"So you’re telling me… the first president of the United States literally had the worst dental plan in history?"

Conan (holding up a dusty envelope labeled ‘Super Secret Presidential Playlist’):
"Forget government secrets. I wanna know what music Abe Lincoln was vibing to."

Tiffany Haddish (pulling out an old wig):
"I CALL DIBS ON THOMAS JEFFERSON’S HAIRPIECE!"

Kal Penn (holding up a classified file):
"Should we even be touching these?"

Ryan Reynolds (grinning, flipping through the papers):
"Oh look, here’s the original draft of a law requiring all U.S. citizens to own a pet squirrel. I assume Congress rejected it, but… respect."

(As Conan opens another drawer, a loud creaking sound fills the room. The walls tremble slightly. A dust cloud fills the air.)

Mystery Tour Guide (panicking):
"Uh… I think we should leave. Now."

Conan (eyes widening):
"WHY? IS THE GHOST OF BENJAMIN FRANKLIN COMING FOR US?!"

(A low rumble echoes through the chamber, and suddenly, a small trapdoor in the floor slides open, revealing an even deeper tunnel. The group stares into the dark abyss.)

Scene 4: The Escape – Running from… Something?

Tiffany Haddish (backing away):
"NOPE. NOPE. NOT TODAY. I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR A GHOST HUNT."

Kal Penn (nervously):
"Uh, guys? I think that tunnel just… sighed."

(A faint whisper echoes from the darkness. Ryan and Conan exchange glances.)

Conan:
"Okay, it’s either an ancient secret… or we’re about to meet a sewer rat with very strong opinions on politics."

Ryan Reynolds:
"If it’s a rat, I hope he’s cool. Like Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

Mystery Tour Guide (grabbing a flashlight):
"I’m not waiting around to find out. Follow me!"

(The group dashes out of the chamber, running back through the tunnel as dust and echoes chase them. They burst out of the Library of Congress, panting, sweaty, and wide-eyed.)

Scene 5: Reflecting on the Madness at the Washington Monument

(As the sun sets over DC, the group sits near the Washington Monument, watching as the city lights flicker on. The cherry blossoms rustle in the breeze.)

Kal Penn (still catching his breath):
"Okay… I think we just illegally discovered the coolest place in DC."

Tiffany Haddish:
"I need a drink. And possibly a new pair of pants."

Conan (stretching dramatically):
"So, in summary, we learned that Washington had bad teeth, Congress once considered squirrel ownership a requirement, and I’m pretty sure we got cursed by an underground ghost."

Ryan Reynolds:
"Which means… this was a perfect day."

(They clink soda cans together, enjoying their final moments in DC, the laughter of tourists blending with the peaceful hum of the city.)

Last Day in DC – The Great Treasure Heist

Setting:

It’s Day 5 in Washington, DC, and the crew has one last mission. After uncovering secret tunnels, whispering ghosts, and presidential weirdness, a mysterious letter arrives at their hotel, inviting them to a final, once-in-a-lifetime adventure.

The sender?
None other than… Nicolas Cage.

Today’s adventure? Stealing the Declaration of Independence (or at least trying to get close enough to touch it before security kicks them out).

Scene 1: Breakfast at the Watergate Hotel – A Suspicious Invitation

(The team sits in a private booth at the Watergate Hotel, sipping coffee as the smell of bacon and fresh pastries fills the air. Conan stares at the envelope in his hands, which is wax-sealed with a suspicious-looking emblem.)

Tiffany Haddish (narrowing her eyes):
"Hold up. We got a secret invitation in DC? This is some National Treasure nonsense."

Ryan Reynolds (leaning in, whispering dramatically):
"What if we’re being recruited for… a heist?"

Kal Penn (laughing):
"Conan is the last person I’d recruit for anything requiring stealth."

Conan O’Brien (proudly):
"That is correct. But let’s open this bad boy up."

(He breaks the seal and pulls out a parchment-like paper, covered in cryptic handwriting and weird historical symbols.)

Conan (reading aloud):
"Meet me at the National Archives at noon. I have a job for you."

(The group exchanges looks.)

Ryan Reynolds:
"Okay. There’s a **30% chance this is a prank… and a 70% chance we’re about to be accessories to a federal crime."

Tiffany Haddish:
"As long as I don’t end up in a history book as ‘the woman who got arrested for breaking into the National Archives,’ I’m in."

Scene 2: The National Archives – Meeting Nicolas Cage

(The team arrives at the National Archives, where the air smells of old books, patriotism, and excessive security measures. They scan the crowd until a familiar, intense-looking man in sunglasses and a leather jacket steps out of the shadows.)

Nicolas Cage (whispering dramatically):
"You came."

Conan (mimicking him, equally dramatic):
"Of course we came."

Ryan Reynolds:
"We honestly had nothing better to do."

Tiffany Haddish:
"Also, are you okay? You look like you haven’t slept in days."

Nicolas Cage (ignoring her, motioning them closer):
"Listen. The Declaration of Independence… holds a hidden code. I’ve spent my life decoding it. And I think you’re the team I need to help me uncover its final secret."

Kal Penn (rubbing his temples):
"This is literally the plot of National Treasure."

Nicolas Cage:
"Yes. But what if the movie… was based on something real?"

Conan (gasps, grabbing Ryan’s arm):
"OH MY GOD. What if we are LIVING inside National Treasure 3 RIGHT NOW?!"

Ryan Reynolds:
"If this is a movie, then I demand top billing."

Scene 3: The ‘Stealth’ Mission Inside the National Archives

(The team steps inside the grand rotunda, where the actual Declaration of Independence is encased in bulletproof glass. The air is hushed, the lighting dim, and security guards eye them suspiciously. A nearby tour guide speaks reverently about the founding document.)

Tour Guide (softly):
"The Declaration is stored in a special case with humidity controls to prevent deterioration. It is lowered into a reinforced vault every night."

Conan (whispering to Nicolas Cage):
"So what’s the plan? You hack into the vault system? Distract the guards? Summon a bald eagle to steal it for us?"

Nicolas Cage (stoic, pulling out a notepad):
"No. We’re going to decode the final message hidden in the text. Look here—"

(He points to a specific line on the Declaration.)

Kal Penn (reading):
"‘…life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.’ Wow, groundbreaking stuff, Nic."

Ryan Reynolds:
"Yeah, can’t imagine why no one noticed that before."

Nicolas Cage (intense):
"You don’t understand. If you rearrange the letters of certain words—"

(Suddenly, a security guard approaches.)

Security Guard (sternly):
"Sir, please step away from the exhibit."

Conan (panicking):
"RUN! SCATTER!"

Tiffany Haddish:
"WHY ARE WE RUNNING?! WE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING YET!"

(The team bolts in separate directions, causing absolute chaos in the National Archives. Nicolas Cage dives behind a marble column, clutching his notebook. Conan accidentally bumps into a school group, knocking over a cardboard cutout of Thomas Jefferson. Ryan Reynolds grabs a random tourist’s brochure and pretends to be reading it intently.)

Security Guard (annoyed, into his walkie-talkie):
"We got another National Treasure nut in here. Repeat, we got another Nic Cage situation."

Ryan Reynolds (to Conan, whispering):
"I feel like this happens to him a lot."

Scene 4: The Escape & Final Reflection at the Lincoln Memorial

(The group regathers outside, panting and laughing. The sun sets behind the Lincoln Memorial, its grand columns casting long shadows. The air is crisp, and the scent of cherry blossoms lingers.)

Conan (collapsing on the steps, sighing):
"Well, that was… a disaster. But also the most fun I’ve ever had in a government building."

Kal Penn (laughing):
"Yeah, we almost got arrested for literally nothing."

Tiffany Haddish (grinning):
"Correction. We got kicked out for just standing near history too intensely."

Nicolas Cage (gazing dramatically at the horizon):
"You don’t understand. The real treasure… was the adventure we had along the way."

Ryan Reynolds (deadpan):
"Nope. That’s dumb. The real treasure would’ve been actual treasure."

(The group bursts into laughter as the sky turns deep orange, the final night of their DC trip settling in like a warm memory.)

Final Reflection: A Totally Serious and Not-At-All Chaotic Recap of Washington, DC

(Scene opens at sunset. The group is gathered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, the city lights twinkling behind them. The air is crisp, filled with the faint scent of cherry blossoms, and the distant hum of tourists wrapping up their own DC adventures. Conan O’Brien, looking both exhausted and victorious, sits in the center, dramatically gazing out over the Reflecting Pool like a man who has just seen too much.)

Conan O’Brien (sighing deeply, staring into the distance):

“Well… we did it. Five days. Five insane, ridiculous, legally questionable days in the nation’s capital. And somehow… we survived.”

(Ryan Reynolds nods solemnly, while Tiffany Haddish polishes the Thomas Jefferson wig she may or may not have stolen from the Smithsonian.)

Conan (gesturing wildly):
“I mean, let’s just take a moment to reflect on everything that happened. Day One: We kicked things off with cherry blossoms, the Lincoln Memorial, and an aggressive duck that personally tried to ruin my life.”

(Cut to a flashback of Conan flailing as a duck angrily quacks at him near the Reflecting Pool.)

Ryan Reynolds (smirking):
“That duck saw right through you, man. It knew you were weak.”

Conan:
“It was a politically motivated attack, I’m sure of it.”

Kal Penn (laughing, counting on his fingers):

“Day Two: We nearly got kicked out of multiple Smithsonian museums. Conan learned that dinosaurs had feathers, Tiffany tried to steal Dorothy’s ruby slippers, and Ryan got weirdly emotional over Mr. Rogers’ sweater.”

Ryan Reynolds (deadpan):
“That sweater is a national treasure, and I stand by my feelings.”

Tiffany Haddish:
“I still think I should have been allowed to try on the slippers. I have the spirit of a young Judy Garland!”

Conan (grinning):

“Oh, and let’s not forget Day Three: We visited the National Zoo, where I was personally victimized by an angry peacock, and Ryan tried to negotiate a movie deal with a panda.”

(Flashback to Ryan leaning against the panda enclosure, whispering, "Listen, buddy, I can get you a three-picture deal, but you gotta meet me halfway.")

Kal Penn:
“Also, let’s acknowledge that Tiffany declared herself the President of the United States in the Capitol building.”

Tiffany Haddish (shrugging):
“And y’all are welcome for that. I was this close to passing a mandatory snack break law.”

Ryan Reynolds (mock serious):

“Then came Day Four, aka ‘The Day We Became Criminals.’”

Conan:
“Oh, yeah. That’s when we found a secret underground tunnel in the Library of Congress and were probably cursed by a ghost.”

Tiffany (shuddering):
“Nah. I don’t mess with ghosts. That whole place had bad energy. Like, ‘Haunted President’ kind of energy.”

Kal Penn (nodding):
“I’m just saying, if one of us wakes up with Alexander Hamilton’s voice in our heads… we know what happened.”

Conan (leaning forward, eyes wide):

“And then… there was Day Five. The day we met Nicolas Cage and got dragged into an actual (or possibly imagined) treasure hunt for the hidden secrets of the Declaration of Independence.”

(Cut to a slow-motion flashback of Nicolas Cage staring at a dusty old map, whispering, “The real treasure… was here all along.”)

Ryan Reynolds (shaking his head):
“Did we actually accomplish anything? No. Did we run from National Archives security guards for no reason? Absolutely.”

Tiffany Haddish (laughing):
“That man is one hundred percent banned from at least three government buildings.”

Conan:
“But in the end, what’s important is that we learned some valuable lessons.”

Final Lessons Learned (Because Apparently, We’re Educators Now)

Lesson 1: Do not make intense eye contact with ducks, peacocks, or any bird in Washington, DC. They will ruin your life.
Lesson 2: If you whisper inside the Capitol building, it will echo across the entire room, and everyone will hear your dumb joke.
Lesson 3: Ryan Reynolds is legally required to star in a movie with a panda now.
Lesson 4: If you find a secret underground tunnel, leave immediately. Nothing good will happen.
Lesson 5: Never follow Nicolas Cage into an “adventure.” You will run. You will get yelled at by security. You will question your life choices.

Conan’s Final Words

Conan (standing up, hands on his hips, taking in the city skyline one last time):
“Well, folks. This is it. The end of the greatest, dumbest, most history-adjacent adventure of all time. We came. We saw. We got threatened by various government employees.”

Ryan Reynolds (fake crying):
“I’m gonna miss this chaos.”

Tiffany Haddish:
“I’m gonna miss the snacks.”

Kal Penn (grinning):
“I’m gonna miss not knowing if we were about to be arrested at any given moment.”

Conan (smiling at the camera):
“And to all of you watching… if you ever find yourself in DC, remember this: history isn’t just about the past—it’s also about the ridiculous, unforgettable memories you make along the way.”

(A single cherry blossom drifts past as the group gazes into the distance. The screen fades to black… and then suddenly cuts to a scene of Conan running away from the angry peacock one last time.)

THE END.

Short Bios:

Conan O’Brien – Legendary late-night host, comedian, and self-declared history buff (with questionable credentials). His razor-sharp wit and awkward charm turn even the most serious monuments into laugh-out-loud moments.

Ryan Reynolds – Actor, entrepreneur, and king of dry humor. Known for his quick comebacks and playful sarcasm, Ryan effortlessly adds cool confidence to every chaotic scene.

Tiffany Haddish – Actress and comedian with unstoppable energy and bold, unfiltered humor. Whether she’s taking charge of Congress or chasing a peacock, she keeps things unpredictable.

Kal Penn – Actor and former White House staffer, Kal brings real political insight, balanced by his calm demeanor and understated humor. He’s the voice of reason among the madness.

Nicolas Cage – Actor and cinematic treasure hunter, Nicolas is the ultimate mystery man, leading the group into secret tunnels and conspiracy-laced missions with intense (and hilarious) determination.

Steve Carell – Master of deadpan delivery and comedic gold, Steve blends suburban dad vibes with sharp intellect. His straight-faced reactions elevate every absurd situation.

Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope – Fictional but forever iconic, Leslie is the overachieving, government-loving Parks & Rec heroine who treats DC like Disneyland. Passionate, idealistic, and always extra.

Mo Rocca – Journalist, historian, and DC native. Mo adds quirky facts and clever commentary, acting as the group’s unofficial “educational comic relief.”

Bill Nye – Scientist, educator, and bow-tie enthusiast. Bill brings genuine curiosity and excitement to every museum visit—while occasionally having to explain gravity to Conan.

Robin Williams (as Teddy Roosevelt) – In full Night at the Museum mode, Robin channels a theatrical, history-loving Teddy who brings warmth, wisdom, and wonderfully over-the-top monologues.