Ultimate 5-Day Columbus Adventure with Conan: Laugh & Explore

The camera pans in on Conan O’Brien standing atop a scenic rooftop in downtown Columbus, Ohio. Behind him, the Scioto River shimmers under the morning sun, the skyline dotted with a mix of modern glass towers and historic brick buildings. The city hums with energy, a perfect blend of old-world charm and new-age vibrancy.

Conan O’Brien:
"Ladies and gentlemen, friends, enemies, and anyone who clicked on this by accident—welcome! Welcome to what might be the most unexpectedly thrilling, possibly dangerous, and definitely ridiculous adventure of my life: a five-day deep dive into Columbus, Ohio!"

"Now, I know what you're thinking—'Conan, Columbus? Really? What could possibly be there?’ And to that, I say—shame on you! This city is a hidden gem, and I'm about to prove it. Over the next five days, we’re going underground, through history, into the wild, and, most importantly, on a relentless hunt for the best food in Ohio!"

"But I’m not doing this alone. No, no, no. I have assembled a crack team of some of the funniest, weirdest, and most brilliant minds on the planet to join me. We’ve got Hollywood’s finest, scientific masterminds, comedic legends, and even some Columbus icons who actually know what they’re doing!"

"So, let’s meet the delightfully chaotic group who will either make this the greatest trip of all time… or get me banned from the state of Ohio!"

(He dramatically gestures to his left as the camera cuts to his first guest.)

(Note: This is an imaginary conversation, a creative exploration of an idea, and not a real speech or event.)

Day 1 – Downtown & Arena District (Comedy & City Vibes)

Guests: Conan O’Brien, Ryan Reynolds, Tina Fey, Jack Hanna (Local), and a Secretive Tour Guide

Scene 1: Breakfast at Fox in the Snow Café

The scent of fresh pastries and rich espresso fills the air as the morning sunlight streams through the café’s rustic windows. The clatter of plates and the hum of friendly chatter create a cozy yet vibrant atmosphere. The wooden tables are lined with flaky croissants and enormous cinnamon rolls, their sugar glistening under the warm light.

Conan O’Brien:  (staring at his cappuccino foam art) You know, this looks suspiciously like a self-portrait of me. A little too much foam on top, but overall, not bad.

Ryan Reynolds:  [taking a sip of his latte] Conan, I think the barista captured your soul. The problem is, it’s mostly air.

Tina Fey: Did you two just start the day roasting each other? This is why I don’t go on morning talk shows.

Jack Hanna:  [gently setting down a small carrier on the table] Guys, I thought I’d bring a little surprise. Meet Momo, a pygmy owl.

Inside the carrier, two big golden eyes blink up at them. The owl fluffs its feathers and lets out a soft hoot.

Conan:  [leans in]Oh my God, it’s adorable. And it looks just as judgmental as Ryan.

Tour Guide: Speaking of judgment, Fox in the Snow used to be a garage before turning into the best bakery in Columbus. If these walls could talk, they’d probably complain about switching from engine grease to espresso.

Scene 2: Columbus Museum of Art

The museum’s grand entrance is flanked by towering glass windows, allowing sunlight to dance over the polished floors. Inside, the air smells faintly of aged paint and varnish. Each exhibit is a silent world waiting to be explored, the hum of distant footsteps adding to the reverence of the space.

Ryan:  [gesturing toward an abstract painting] This is either a masterpiece or something my kid finger-painted after eating too much candy.

Tina:  [squinting at the plaque] It’s called ‘Existential Crisis No. 5.’ So basically, it’s me trying to assemble IKEA furniture.

Jack Hanna: Ah, now this I love. It reminds me of the camouflage patterns on a jaguar. You’d be surprised how often nature mirrors art.

Conan: Or how often Ryan mirrors bad decisions.

Tour Guide:  [whispering conspiratorially] Want to know a secret? The museum has a hidden gallery not on the regular tour. It’s got some pieces that are so bizarre, even the artists aren’t sure what they mean.

With a mischievous grin, the guide leads them through a quiet corridor, revealing a small, dimly lit room filled with eccentric sculptures and paintings.

Conan:  [gazing at a melting clock sculpture] Either this is a Dali knockoff, or someone left their alarm clock in the microwave.

Scene 3: Scioto Mile & Bicentennial Park

The fresh scent of river water drifts on the breeze as they walk along the Scioto Mile. The fountains in Bicentennial Park sparkle under the afternoon sun, children laughing as they dart through the misty sprays. Ducks bob gently on the river, the occasional cyclist ringing a bell as they pass by.

Conan: Alright, I demand a footrace. Me versus Ryan.

Ryan: Oh, buddy, I’m Canadian. We don’t run. We just politely skate away from our problems.

Tina:  [stretching] I’m in. Let’s go, losers.

Jack Hanna wisely sits this one out as the trio lines up. The tour guide counts down, and suddenly, Conan and Tina take off—while Ryan dramatically fakes a leg cramp and collapses to the pavement.

Ryan:  [groaning] Go on without me! Tell my wife I fought bravely!

Tour Guide: Fun fact—there used to be underground tunnels beneath the Scioto River, rumored to have been part of Prohibition-era smuggling routes.

Conan:  [panting as he jogs back] Tunnels? You mean we could’ve skipped all this running and snuck through secret passages like bootleggers?

Scene 4: COSI (Center of Science & Industry)

Inside COSI, the air buzzes with the sounds of excited children pressing buttons and launching interactive exhibits. The faint scent of popcorn drifts from the food court, while neon lights flicker over futuristic displays.

Ryan:  [staring at a robotic arm] This is cool. This thing probably has a higher IQ than all of us combined.

Tina:  [grinning] No doubt. But can it write sitcoms?

Jack Hanna: Did you know they have a high-tech planetarium here? It’s one of the best in the country.

Conan: Alright, let’s go. I want to see what space would be like if I had actually studied in school.

Tour Guide: And did you know, COSI has a hidden room with artifacts from the original museum? Stuff people haven’t seen in decades.

The group sneaks into the dimly lit archives, shelves lined with ancient scientific models and odd-looking contraptions. Ryan picks up a dusty telescope and peers through it.

Ryan:  [whispers] I think I can see my career choices flashing before my eyes.

Scene 5: Rooftop Drinks at Lincoln Social

The sky is painted in fiery shades of pink and orange as they step onto the rooftop lounge. The city lights begin to twinkle below, the hum of conversations blending with the clinking of cocktail glasses. A warm breeze carries the scent of fresh citrus from the bar’s signature drinks.

Conan:  [raising his glass] To Columbus, where I have now sweat, run, and learned far more about history than I ever expected.

Ryan: And to our secret tour guide, who somehow knows everything about this city.

Tour Guide:  [smirking] I have my ways.

Tina: I’m just glad we ended the day with alcohol. That’s how all great field trips should end.

As they sip their drinks and admire the skyline, Jack Hanna’s owl, Momo, lets out a small, approving hoot.

Jack Hanna: See? Even Momo agrees.

Laughter echoes across the rooftop as the city hums below, ready for another day of adventure.

Day 2 – German Village & Brewery District (Food, Books & Beer)

Guests: Conan O’Brien, Jon Stewart, Gordon Ramsay, Jeni Britton Bauer (Local), and a Secretive Tour Guide

Scene 1: Breakfast at Stauf’s Coffee Roasters

The warm aroma of freshly ground coffee beans fills the air as the group settles into the cozy, brick-lined interior of Stauf’s Coffee Roasters. The sound of steaming milk hisses behind the counter, blending with the murmur of early morning conversations. The wooden tables are slightly worn, evidence of countless cups of coffee enjoyed over deep discussions and groggy mornings.

Conan O’Brien:  [holding up his espresso] This looks great, but do they serve it in an I.V. bag? I need this to hit my bloodstream immediately.

Jon Stewart: Conan, you don’t need coffee. You run on pure anxiety and childhood trauma.

Gordon Ramsay:  [taking a sip of his cappuccino] Alright, I hate to admit it, but this is bloody fantastic. The foam is silky, the balance is perfect.

Jeni Britton Bauer: Stauf’s is one of the best in Columbus. You should see their roasting process—small batches, super detailed.

Tour Guide: And did you know that the German Village neighborhood was built by immigrants in the 1800s? The streets are still lined with the original brick roads. Back then, if you spilled your beer, it was considered a crime against humanity.

Conan: So what you’re saying is, if Jon drops his coffee, we get to banish him?

Jon Stewart: Works for me. I’ll just move to Brooklyn and act like I did it on purpose.

Scene 2: Franklin Park Conservatory & Botanical Gardens

As they enter the gardens, a wave of floral fragrance washes over them. The greenhouse domes shimmer under the soft morning sun, casting prism-like reflections onto the lush greenery below. Exotic plants, some towering over them, sway gently in the breeze from hidden air vents.

Gordon Ramsay:  [sniffing the air] This smells like… actual life. Like someone bottled spring and released it in here.

Conan:  [pointing at a giant plant] This one looks like it eats people. If I disappear, tell my wife I went out doing what I love—panicking.

Jeni Britton Bauer: I actually get a lot of inspiration for my ice cream flavors here. The lavender-honey one? Came from a stroll through these gardens.

Tour Guide: And speaking of flavors, this place used to host secret Prohibition parties back in the day. People would sneak in under the cover of night to drink homemade booze.

Jon Stewart: That’s amazing. Imagine getting drunk while appreciating nature. That’s what I call peak human achievement.

Scene 3: Lunch at Schmidt’s Sausage Haus

The scent of sizzling bratwurst and freshly baked pretzels welcomes them as they step inside Schmidt’s. Wooden beams line the ceiling, and polka music plays faintly in the background. Waitresses in traditional German attire weave through the packed tables, balancing plates of sausage piled high with sauerkraut.

Conan: I feel like I’ve just stepped into an Oktoberfest fever dream.

Gordon Ramsay:  [inspecting his bratwurst] Alright, let’s see if this is proper German cuisine or if it belongs in the bin.

Jon Stewart:  [stuffing his face] Gordon, you have to chill. This is comfort food.

Jeni Britton Bauer: Oh, and don’t forget the cream puffs. They’re bigger than your head.

Moments later, a towering cream puff is placed in front of Conan. He dramatically gasps, as if he’s seen a ghost.

Conan: This is it. This is my final boss battle.

Tour Guide: Fun fact—Schmidt’s has been around since the 1800s and was once the go-to place for underground poker games. Some people lost entire houses over a sausage bet.

Jon Stewart:  I respect that. That’s a level of commitment to food I aspire to.

Scene 4: The Book Loft of German Village

They step inside, and instantly, the air is thick with the nostalgic scent of paper and ink. The Book Loft is a labyrinth of 32 interconnected rooms, each overflowing with books stacked high on wooden shelves. Small handwritten signs guide visitors through its endless maze.

Conan:  I feel like we just entered Narnia, but instead of a lion, there’s a 90-year-old man in the back reading mystery novels.

Gordon Ramsay:  [scanning a cookbook section] If I see one more avocado toast recipe, I swear—

Jon Stewart: Gordon, don’t pretend. We all know you have a deep love for perfectly ripe avocados.

Jeni Britton Bauer:  I love this place. I once spent four hours here and walked out with a stack of cookbooks I didn’t need.

Tour Guide: And here’s the kicker—there’s a hidden passageway that connects two rooms, built in the Prohibition era. If you find it, you get bragging rights.

Immediately, Conan and Jon start knocking on bookshelves like detectives in an old movie.

Conan: If we find this, I demand a medal. Preferably made of chocolate.

Scene 5: Brewery Hop in Brewery District

They step into Land-Grant Brewing Co., where the scent of hops and wood-aged barrels lingers in the air. The clinking of pint glasses and bursts of laughter create a lively, welcoming atmosphere. Strings of lights hang overhead, casting a warm glow on the rustic interior.

Gordon Ramsay:  [taking a sip] Okay. This is excellent. Whoever brewed this needs a knighthood.

Conan: If I drink enough of this, I’ll start speaking German fluently.

Jon Stewart: If you drink enough of this, you’ll be passed out before you can try.

They make their way through a few breweries, each one with its own character—BrewDog’s rooftop view, Antiques on High’s experimental sours, and Seventh Son’s hop-forward classics.

Tour Guide: Fun fact—back in the day, Columbus had so many underground breweries that you could get a beer without ever stepping outside.

Jeni Britton Bauer: That’s it. We need to bring that back.

As the night winds down, they clink glasses one final time.

Conan: To German Village—where we ate like royalty, got lost in a book maze, and may or may not have discovered a secret tunnel.

Jon Stewart: And to the beer that made it all possible.

Gordon Ramsay: Alright, fine, Columbus—you’ve earned my respect.

The city hums around them, the warm glow of streetlights reflecting off the brick roads as they step out into the cool night air, ready for Day 3.

Day 3 – OSU & Outdoor Adventures (Sports, Science & Zoos)

Guests: Conan O’Brien, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Kirk Herbstreit (Local), and a Secretive Tour Guide

Scene 1: Breakfast at Katalina’s – The Pancake Ball Challenge

The morning sun casts a golden glow over Katalina’s, a small but bustling café with a charmingly rustic atmosphere. The air is thick with the scent of sizzling bacon, maple syrup, and fresh coffee. Outside, locals sip espresso on the patio, while inside, the smell of their famous pancake balls fills every corner.

Conan O’Brien:  [staring at a mountain of stuffed pancake balls on his plate] Oh, these look amazing… but they also look dangerous.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson:  [already halfway through his plate] Conan, stop overthinking it and just eat. This is fuel.

Neil deGrasse Tyson:  [picking one up and inspecting it] You see, the spherical shape of these pancake balls is actually the most mathematically efficient form for maximizing filling-to-surface ratio.

Kirk Herbstreit: Neil, it’s 9 AM. Please don’t start making breakfast a TED Talk.

Tour Guide: Fun fact—Katalina’s building used to be an old gas station. Instead of fueling cars, now it fuels humans with sugar and butter.

Conan: That’s poetic. A little too poetic for something I’m about to inhale in under a minute.

Scene 2: Ohio State University Campus Tour

They walk through The Oval, a massive green space at the heart of OSU’s campus. Students lounge on the grass with textbooks, a group of musicians strums guitars near a statue, and the occasional skateboarder whizzes past. The crisp fall air carries the faint smell of coffee from a nearby café.

Kirk Herbstreit: This is where the magic happens, boys. The Ohio State University—the center of the football universe.

Conan: Football universe? Kirk, I’ve seen universes. Neil made me watch space documentaries. This doesn’t have black holes or supernovas.

Neil deGrasse Tyson:  [adjusting his glasses] Actually, the energy inside a stadium on game day does resemble a supernova in terms of intensity and chaos.

The Rock: And also, let’s be honest—football players are basically superhumans. I mean, have you seen me?

Tour Guide: Speaking of superhumans, OSU’s library has a hidden reading room that only a few students know about. It’s so quiet that people say you can hear your own heartbeat.

Conan: I wouldn’t survive. I make too many self-deprecating jokes under my breath.

Scene 3: Lunch at Northstar Café (Short North)

The modern, open-concept café has a laid-back but stylish feel. The scent of freshly baked bread and sizzling black bean burgers lingers in the air as plates of colorful organic dishes are carried to tables. Natural sunlight streams through the windows, illuminating bowls of leafy greens and quinoa.

Conan: I have to admit, I feel healthier just standing in this place.

The Rock: That’s because real food makes you feel alive.

Kirk Herbstreit: And yet, nothing will ever beat stadium nachos.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Did you know that the nutrients in a single spinach leaf contain the chemical energy equivalent to a microbattery?

Conan: I’m gonna pretend I understood that and continue eating my burger.

Scene 4: Columbus Zoo & Aquarium – The Animal Showdown

They arrive at the Columbus Zoo, one of the best in the country, where the sounds of excited children mix with the calls of exotic animals. The scent of fresh hay, earthy animal enclosures, and popcorn from food stands wafts through the air.

Jack Hanna:  [joining them with a lemur on his shoulder] Gentlemen, welcome to my domain.

Conan: Jack, I love you, but you say that like we just entered Jurassic Park.

The Rock:  [holding out his arm as the lemur jumps on him] This little guy has a solid grip. He could probably bench press more than Conan.

Kirk Herbstreit: I’d pay to see that.

Neil deGrasse Tyson:  [watching a tiger pace] The biomechanics of a tiger’s stride are fascinating. They can leap over 30 feet in a single bound.

Conan: Great. Just another reminder that a tiger is more athletic than I’ll ever be.

Tour Guide: And here’s a fun secret—there’s a staff-only feeding area where they train cheetahs to run at full speed. Want to see it?

Moments later, they’re in a restricted area, watching a cheetah explode across the field in a blur of orange and black.

The Rock:  [watching in awe] I take back everything. This is the most impressive athlete I’ve ever seen.

Scene 5: Early Dinner at Watershed Kitchen & Bar

The warm, inviting glow of Edison bulbs casts soft light over the rustic-chic dining area. The air smells like smoked bourbon and slow-cooked short ribs. The bartender crafts cocktails with meticulous care, the sound of ice cubes clinking against glass adding to the intimate atmosphere.

Conan: I’m convinced that Columbus has the best food scene that no one talks about.

Kirk Herbstreit: Exactly! I try to tell people, but they don’t believe me until they visit.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I have a theory—because Columbus is in the Midwest, people underestimate it.

The Rock: I have a counter-theory—it doesn’t matter where you are. Good food is good food. And this? This is good food.

Scene 6: Shadowbox Live – Comedy, Rock & Chaos

The venue is electric with anticipation. The low hum of a tuning guitar and microphone checks fills the air as the audience settles in with drinks. The dim lighting gives the space an intimate, underground feel—like a mix between an old-school comedy club and a rock concert.

Conan: Oh, this is my scene. The spotlight, the stage, the eager crowd—just waiting to be entertained.

The Rock: Should we be concerned that Conan’s ego is about to go supernova?

Jon Stewart:  [making a surprise guest appearance] You guys need me to save this show?

Conan: Jon! I knew you couldn’t resist my gravitational pull.

The lights dim, the music kicks in, and the night unfolds with a mix of sketch comedy, rock music, and spontaneous moments of pure, unscripted brilliance. At one point, The Rock is air-guitaring, Neil deGrasse Tyson is explaining physics while drummers pound behind him, and Conan is doing an over-the-top improv monologue about the dangers of eating too many pancake balls.

Final Toast of the Night

As they step outside into the cool night air, the lights of downtown Columbus twinkling around them, they pause for one last drink at a quiet bar.

Conan: Alright, this city has officially surprised me. Who knew Columbus could bring together science, sports, and—

The Rock: Pancake balls?

Kirk Herbstreit: Stadium nachos?

Neil deGrasse Tyson: The universal laws of physics?

Tour Guide: Secret tunnels and cheetah races?

Conan:  [grinning] Exactly.

They clink glasses, the hum of the city around them, already looking forward to Day 4.

Day 4 – Short North & Shopping (Art, Style & Local Flavor)

Guests: Conan O’Brien, Emma Stone, Jeff Goldblum, Nina West (Local), and a Secretive Tour Guide

Scene 1: Brunch at Third & Hollywood – Southern Comfort with a Twist

The warm aroma of sizzling bacon and freshly baked biscuits fills the air as the group settles into the upscale yet cozy ambiance of Third & Hollywood. The dark wood tables gleam under the morning light, and the sound of clinking coffee cups and laughter from other diners sets the scene for an easy-going, indulgent brunch.

Conan O’Brien:  [picking up a fluffy biscuit] This… this is art. Forget museums. This biscuit should be framed and displayed in the Louvre.

Emma Stone: I agree. And when I win my next Oscar, I want to thank this biscuit for inspiring me.

Jeff Goldblum:  [delicately buttering his biscuit while adjusting his glasses] Oh, yes, yes… Look at the layers. The golden crust, the buttery aroma… It’s a masterpiece of culinary engineering.

Nina West:  [laughing] Jeff, I love you, but I feel like you over-analyze everything.

Tour Guide: Speaking of masterpieces, the Short North Arts District is just around the corner, home to the city’s best galleries, street murals, and—believe it or not—one of the weirdest hidden art pieces in Columbus.

Conan: Please tell me it’s a statue of me.

Tour Guide: It’s actually a secret alley filled with tiny, hidden sculptures of gnomes.

Emma: Okay, I need to see that.

Scene 2: Exploring Short North Arts District – Murals, Boutiques & Quirkiness

As they step onto High Street, the heart of the Short North Arts District, the streets come alive with color. Gigantic murals stretch across entire buildings, bursts of neon pink, deep blues, and abstract faces staring down at passersby. Boutique storefronts overflow with eccentric fashion pieces, handmade jewelry, and one-of-a-kind vintage finds.

Conan:  [pointing at a vibrant mural of a tiger wearing sunglasses] Now that’s how you make an entrance. I need this painted on the side of my house.

Jeff Goldblum:  [tilting his head, admiring the art] Mmm… The way the colors blend, the angles, the whimsy of it all. It’s evocative of… something, yes, yes, but what?

Emma: Jeff, are you trying to analyze graffiti?

Nina West: Short North is all about self-expression. That’s why it has some of the best drag shows in the country. You have to come see a performance later.

Conan: Nina, I was born for drag. My legs are unnaturally long. Put me in heels, and I’ll tower over everyone like a majestic, uncoordinated giraffe.

Tour Guide: Oh, and the hidden gnome alley? It’s just up here.

They duck into a narrow, cobblestone alley. Small, whimsical gnome sculptures peek out from behind bricks, on windowsills, even clinging to drainpipes. A tiny gnome in sunglasses appears to be winking at them.

Emma:  [gasping] This is adorable! How do more people not know about this?!

Conan:  [leaning in, whispering to a gnome] Tell me your secrets, tiny man.

Scene 3: Lunch at Brassica – Mediterranean Street Food Heaven

The smell of sizzling lamb, roasted eggplant, and warm pita drifts from the open kitchen as they step into Brassica. The restaurant has an industrial yet welcoming feel, with subway tiles lining the walls and fresh ingredients displayed like an edible rainbow behind the counter.

Emma: Okay, I already love this place. Look at all these toppings!

Jeff Goldblum: Ah, the fusion of flavors, the delicate balance between spice and sweetness, the tender embrace of a well-made pita…

Conan: Jeff, please, I just want to eat.

Nina is already halfway through her bowl of hummus and falafel, nodding enthusiastically.

Tour Guide: Fun fact—this spot is owned by the same family that started Northstar Café. They’ve perfected the art of healthy-yet-delicious food.

Conan: Great. Now I feel like I need to go do push-ups just to deserve this meal.

Scene 4: Shopping Spree at Easton Town Center – Where Conan Gets a Makeover

Easton Town Center is a shopper’s paradise, a mix of luxury boutiques, high-street fashion, and quirky independent stores. The architecture mimics an old-school town square, with charming brick facades and decorative fountains. The scent of designer perfume mingles with that of freshly baked pretzels as shoppers bustle past.

Nina:  [grabbing Conan’s arm] Alright, it’s happening. We are giving you a makeover.

Conan: What? No! I look great! I have a signature look!

Emma: Conan, you wear the same thing every day.

Jeff Goldblum:  [nodding sagely] Mmm… Yes, yes, and one must evolve, you see. Fashion is a living, breathing ecosystem of self-expression.

Conan:  [sighing] Fine. But if I end up looking like Ryan Reynolds, I’m suing.

Nina, Emma, and Jeff drag Conan into a high-end boutique. Thirty minutes later, he emerges in a very fitted European-style suit.

Emma:  [clapping] Look at you! You actually have shape!

Conan: I feel… powerful. I feel like I should be managing a luxury yacht company.

Tour Guide: Fun fact—Easton was designed to feel like a classic town center, but it’s actually completely artificial. Every brick was carefully placed to make it look historic.

Conan: So, just like my new personality in this suit?

Scene 5: Dinner at Lindey’s – A Classic Columbus Institution

The evening glow from Lindey’s iconic patio lights casts a warm, inviting ambiance over the restaurant. The scent of grilled steak, buttery seafood, and rich sauces wafts through the air. The soft murmur of elegant diners and the occasional pop of champagne corks make it feel like an exclusive hideaway.

Conan:  [taking a sip of wine] Alright, Columbus. I surrender. You’ve officially impressed me.

Emma: Right? It’s got everything—culture, art, food, gnomes…

Jeff Goldblum: And fashion, Conan. Look at you, still wearing the suit.

Nina: Oh, he’s never taking that off.

Tour Guide: Did you know that Lindey’s has served almost every Ohio governor, a few U.S. Presidents, and at least one movie star who tried to sneak in through the back?

Conan: I love that. But now I need to know—who was the sneaky celebrity?

Tour Guide:  [grinning] That’s for me to know… and for you to wonder about forever.

Final Toast of the Night

They step outside, the city lights of Short North glowing in the distance. The streets hum with the laughter of late-night diners and the rhythmic beats of nearby music venues.

Conan: To Columbus—where I got a new suit, met a gang of tiny gnomes, and might actually move here.

Emma: I’m in. Let’s buy a loft and turn it into an art gallery.

Jeff Goldblum: Ah, yes, yes… the fusion of architecture, culture, and whimsy…

Nina: And obviously, drag brunch every Sunday.

They clink glasses, the energy of the city swirling around them, ready for one final day of adventure.

Day 5 – Nature & History (Caves, Parks & Legends)

Guests: Conan O’Brien, Paul Rudd, Bill Nye, Dave Chappelle (Local), and a Secretive Tour Guide

Scene 1: Breakfast at Fox in the Snow (New Albany Location) – The Final Feast

Morning sunlight streams through the glass-paneled walls of Fox in the Snow, casting golden reflections on the polished wooden tables. The scent of freshly baked pastries and strong espresso fills the air, mingling with the gentle hum of conversations. Outside, mist clings to the trees, giving the crisp Ohio morning an ethereal feel.

Conan O’Brien:  [staring at a towering cinnamon roll] This… this is how I want to be remembered.

Paul Rudd:  [grinning] I bet you anything I can eat that faster than you.

Conan: Paul, I love you, but I’ve been training my whole life for this moment.

Bill Nye:  [adjusting his glasses] Now, if we analyze the density of the cinnamon roll, combined with the rate at which saliva breaks down carbohydrates—

Dave Chappelle: Bill, you’ve got to stop trying to make breakfast a science class.

Tour Guide: Speaking of history—New Albany used to be farmland, and this café is in a converted garage. Back in the day, horses probably roamed right where we’re sitting.

Conan:  [taking a dramatic bite of his cinnamon roll] So basically… I’m spiritually connected to those horses.

Scene 2: Olentangy Indian Caverns – Into the Underground

The entrance to the caverns is surrounded by towering trees, their leaves rustling in the breeze. A cool, damp air drifts from the cave opening, carrying the scent of wet stone and earth. The dim, lantern-lit pathways wind down into the underground, the walls glistening with mineral deposits.

Paul Rudd:  [whispering] Alright, who’s going to be the first to get lost?

Conan:  [nervously glancing around] If this turns into a horror movie, I’m sacrificing Paul first.

Bill Nye:  These rock formations are millions of years old. If they could talk, they’d have so many stories to tell.

Dave Chappelle: I bet they’d tell us to get out before something weird happens.

Tour Guide: Fun fact—legend has it that these caverns were once used by Native Americans as a hiding place from settlers. Some even say there’s treasure hidden somewhere deep inside.

Paul Rudd:  [dramatically gasping] A treasure hunt? Forget Hollywood—I’m going full Indiana Jones.

Scene 3: Lunch at Harvest Pizzeria – A Midwestern Pizza Dream

Inside Harvest Pizzeria, the scent of wood-fired dough and bubbling cheese creates an irresistible aroma. The cozy, rustic space is warmed by the open kitchen, where flames flicker inside the oven. The table is quickly covered with colorful pizzas—classic margherita, wild mushroom, and spicy pepperoni.

Conan: I love that Ohio just casually has amazing pizza. Nobody told me this!

Dave Chappelle: You’ve been sleeping on Ohio, man. We got food, we got music, and we got me.

Paul Rudd: That’s actually the Ohio state motto.

Bill Nye: Did you know that the chemical reactions happening inside that oven create what’s called the Maillard reaction, giving pizza its distinct taste?

Conan:  [taking a bite] Bill, I don’t need science to tell me this is amazing. My soul already knows.

Scene 4: Topiary Park – A Living Masterpiece

The soft rustling of leaves fills the air as they walk through Topiary Park, where perfectly trimmed hedges form an enormous, three-dimensional recreation of Georges Seurat’s painting A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte. The sunlight filters through the trees, casting shadows on the carefully sculpted greenery.

Paul Rudd:  [touching a trimmed hedge] This is… oddly satisfying.

Conan: It’s impressive, sure, but can we talk about how someone’s job is to give haircuts to bushes?

Bill Nye: Plant growth is a fascinating thing. Did you know that—

Dave Chappelle: Bill, we get it. Science is everywhere.

Tour Guide: The coolest part? This is the only topiary recreation of a painting in the world. It’s completely unique to Columbus.

Conan:  [posing next to a hedge figure] I’d like to be immortalized in bush form. Someone get a hedge trimmer.

Scene 5: Ohio Statehouse – Ghosts, Legends & Political Shenanigans

The marble halls of the Ohio Statehouse echo with their footsteps as they step inside. The grand rotunda stretches above them, painted with elaborate murals depicting moments from Ohio’s history. The scent of polished wood and aged stone lingers in the air.

Paul Rudd: This feels… very official. I feel like I should be doing something important.

Conan: Like running for Governor of Ohio? I’d vote for you.

Dave Chappelle: Paul would be the first politician who never ages.

Bill Nye: Did you know this building has a secret underground crypt that was never finished?

Tour Guide: And it’s rumored to be haunted. People claim to hear whispers late at night, footsteps when no one’s around…

Paul Rudd: Oh great, so we went from pancakes to ghosts?

Conan: If I get haunted by a 19th-century politician tonight, I swear I’m suing Ohio.

Scene 6: Dinner at The Pearl – A Grand Finale

The Pearl’s warm lighting reflects off polished wood and deep blue tiles, creating a cozy yet upscale atmosphere. The scent of oysters and seared steak mingles with the crisp citrus aroma of craft cocktails. The low murmur of happy diners fills the air.

Conan: This trip has taught me three things. One—Columbus has incredible food.

Paul Rudd: Two—Ohio is secretly packed with weird and amazing stuff.

Dave Chappelle: And three—Bill Nye will find a way to make anything about science.

Bill Nye:  [grinning] And that is a fact.

Tour Guide: Fun fact—The Pearl was built on land that once belonged to one of Columbus’ first-ever taverns. People have been drinking on this spot for hundreds of years.

Conan: That’s beautiful. I’m tearing up.

They raise their glasses for one final toast, the city lights twinkling through the windows.

Conan: To Columbus. You tricked me. I came expecting cornfields, and I leave wanting more.

They clink glasses, laughter filling the air one last time before the adventure comes to an end.

Final Reflection: Conan O’Brien’s Closing Thoughts on Columbus, Ohio

(The camera zooms in on Conan O’Brien, standing atop a rooftop in downtown Columbus at sunset. The city lights flicker on one by one, casting a golden glow over the Scioto River. A soft breeze ruffles his hair as he gazes dramatically into the distance, a half-empty cocktail in hand.)

Conan O’Brien:
"Well, folks, we did it. We came, we saw, we ate an unholy amount of food. Over the past five days, I have run from zoo animals, gotten lost in a bookstore maze, been force-fed cinnamon rolls, narrowly escaped an underground cavern, and—against my will—been given a high-fashion makeover. And you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing."

"I’ll admit, when I first got here, I thought Columbus was just a place you pass through on the way to… well, somewhere else. But I was wrong. Very wrong. Because this city? This city has everything. Incredible food. Insane hidden history. Gorgeous parks. The best drag queens in the Midwest. And most importantly, some of the funniest and most brilliant people I could have possibly shared this trip with."

"Paul Rudd? Still suspiciously ageless. Jeff Goldblum? More philosophical about street art than any human should be. The Rock? Probably still bench-pressing a cheetah at the Columbus Zoo. Bill Nye? Likely explaining quantum physics to a guy who just wanted to buy a latte. And Dave Chappelle? I can only assume he's already back in Yellow Springs, making fun of me for everything that happened this week."

"But what really stood out? The people of Columbus. Everywhere we went, we were met with warmth, enthusiasm, and just the right amount of Midwestern judgment. The kind where they politely watch you eat a three-pound cream puff and then quietly text their friends, ‘You won’t believe what I just saw.’"

"So here’s my final verdict: Columbus is a sleeper hit. It’s that indie film you think you won’t like, but then you walk out of the theater crying because it changed your life. It’s a place you come to expecting cornfields and Buckeye football, and instead, you find world-class food, insane creativity, and a sense of humor that rivals any big city."

"Would I come back? Absolutely. Would I move here? Well, let’s just say—if you see a six-foot-four redhead wandering the Short North wearing a designer suit and looking confused, it’s probably me. Columbus, thank you for having me. You’ve been weird, wonderful, and way too generous with your portions."

"Now if you’ll excuse me—I have one final mission. There’s a gnome alley I need to visit one last time… and a certain pancake ball challenge I still need to win."

(He raises his glass, grinning as the city hums around him. The camera pans out over the skyline, the glow of Columbus welcoming the night.)

FADE TO BLACK.

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