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(Scene opens inside a grand, old-school British-style airport lounge—think plush leather chairs, dark wood paneling, and a waiter in a bowtie serving tiny sandwiches. The group is gathered around, laughing over pints of Guinness and cups of tea. Conan O’Brien stands up, dramatically clearing his throat as if addressing an audience.)
Conan O’Brien (grinning, raising a glass):
“Ladies and gentlemen, fellow travelers, and unwitting participants in what has undoubtedly been the strangest five-day adventure of our lives—welcome to the 'Conan & Friends’ Ridiculous Grand Tour of the UK & Ireland'!”
(The group cheers, raising their drinks. Jack Whitehall pretends to do a royal wave, while Saoirse Ronan dramatically wipes a fake tear.)
Conan (gesturing around):
“Now, let’s be honest—when people hear ‘luxury vacation,’ they imagine relaxation, serenity, and carefully planned itineraries. But instead, we’ve spent five days getting lost in medieval tunnels, listening to ghosts scream in the Irish countryside, chasing hidden whiskey caves, and learning that even the Beatles had their off-days.”
(Paul McCartney nods solemnly. “Fake French was a mistake,” he murmurs.)
Conan (continuing):
“This trip has truly been a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And by that, I mean we’re probably banned from at least three historical sites.”
(Graham Norton laughs, shaking his head. “I’m just saying, the Queen’s Guard does not appreciate John Cleese doing the Silly Walk during the Changing of the Guard.”)
A Trip Unlike Any Other
Conan:
“In just five days, we’ve uncovered long-lost secrets, met some of the UK and Ireland’s most charmingly insane locals, and made more bad decisions than an entire season of ‘The Crown.’"
(Stephen Fry nods, sipping his tea. “Yes, but we did it intelligently, Conan.”)
Conan (counting on his fingers):
- We crashed a Beatles tour in Liverpool and learned that John and Paul once recorded an entire song in fake French.
- We stood in a medieval library and discovered that one of history’s greatest monks got bored and drew a cat in a sacred manuscript.
- We accidentally joined a whiskey treasure hunt while standing on Giant’s Causeway.
- We found out there’s a pub in Belfast that literally MOVES—so if you don’t know where it is, tough luck.
- And, of course, we learned that Guinness signed a lease for 9,000 YEARS, proving that even beer can be more committed than most relationships.
(David Beckham sighs, nodding. “If only I had that level of commitment in FIFA Career Mode.”)
Honoring Our Fearless Tour Guides
Conan (raising his pint):
“Now, let’s take a moment to honor our local guides—because let’s be honest, without them, we’d either be lost in an underground cheese vault or accidentally arrested for stealing the Crown Jewels.”
(The group laughs. Pierce Brosnan raises a toast.)
Conan (nodding toward Blindboy Boatclub):
“Blindboy, your insane ghost stories and conspiracy theories gave us all just the right amount of paranoia. Because nothing says ‘relaxing vacation’ like knowing a ghost piper might be following you.”
(Blindboy raises his Guinness. “To the ghosts—may they always play in key.”)
Conan (turning to Jonathan Foyle):
“Jonathan, you introduced us to secrets that should probably still be secrets. We now know that Buckingham Palace has a secret postbox, the Tower of London once housed a royal polar bear, and Westminster Abbey has a musical grave. I have so many questions.”
(John Cleese dramatically gasps. “It’s all true! The British elite were clearly just... BORED.”)
Final Words Before the Flight
Conan (checking his watch):
“Well, folks, I see that our flight is boarding, and we should probably head to the gate before airport security gets suspicious about why Liam Neeson keeps talking about 'a particular set of skills.’”
(Liam smirks. “It’s just how I order coffee.”)
Conan (raising his glass one last time):
“To the UK and Ireland—a place where history, humor, and absolute madness collide in the best way possible. To the strangest, most fun-loving travel crew imaginable. And to our next great adventure… assuming we’re ever allowed back here.”
(The group cheers, clinking their glasses as the camera pans out to the sounds of a lively Irish folk tune playing in the background.)
(Note: This is an imaginary conversation, a creative exploration of an idea, and not a real speech or event.)
Day 1: London – Hidden, Unbelievable Stories You Never Knew
Theme: British Royalty, History & Iconic Sights
Guests: Conan O’Brien, Hugh Laurie, John Cleese, Emma Thompson
Local Guide: Jonathan Foyle (historian with secret royal stories)
Scene 1: Buckingham Palace – Witnessing the Changing of the Guard
The morning air is crisp, with the scent of fresh pastries drifting from nearby cafés. A crowd gathers behind the ornate golden gates of Buckingham Palace, their cameras raised as the rhythmic stomp of scarlet-clad guards echoes through the courtyard.
John Cleese (leaning dramatically against the railing): “Ah, British pageantry! A display so solemn and extravagant that even the Queen’s corgis have more military discipline than our actual government.”
Conan O’Brien (tilting his head): “You’re telling me these guys march like this every day? This is either the world’s best fitness routine or the longest-running improv show.”
Emma Thompson (grinning): “You’re not far off. Did you know they rehearse in secret? And if one of them faints, they must fall perfectly straight, like a majestic domino.”
Suddenly, a guard almost stumbles on the cobblestones, and John Cleese mimics the moment with an exaggerated Ministry of Silly Walks-style recovery, causing a ripple of laughter.
Jonathan Foyle (whispering conspiratorially): “Few know this, but beneath us lies a hidden escape tunnel from Buckingham Palace. Built in case of emergency, though rumor has it a young prince once used it to sneak to the pub.”
Hugh Laurie (stroking his chin): “Ah yes, the great British tradition—construct elaborate tunnels, and then never use them efficiently.”
Scene 2: Westminster Abbey & Big Ben – A Stroll Through History
The ancient stone walls of Westminster Abbey loom over the group as they walk inside, the cool air heavy with the scent of aged parchment and candle wax. Sunlight spills through the intricate stained-glass windows, casting colorful patterns on the checkered marble floor.
Conan O’Brien (running a hand over a centuries-old pew): “Wow. This place is so old, I feel like I should apologize for breathing on it.”
Jonathan Foyle: “And yet, not even the oldest person buried here—that title belongs to King Edward the Confessor, resting here since 1066.”
Emma Thompson (gesturing dramatically): “Ah, but if you wish to speak to ghosts, this is the place! Poets, kings, and scientists—trapped forever in Westminster’s stone embrace.”
Suddenly, Big Ben chimes loudly, its deep, resonant bong shaking the air.
John Cleese (covering his ears): “And that, my dear Conan, is the sound of England reminding you to be on time."
Hugh Laurie: “Which, in British tradition, means arriving 10 minutes late and blaming the trains."
Scene 3: Tower of London – The Darker Side of Royalty
The sky darkens slightly as the group arrives at the Tower of London, the ancient fortress looming over the Thames like a stone sentinel. Inside, the scent of damp stone and old iron fills the air, and the cold metal of the crown jewels’ glass cases reflects flickering candlelight.
Jonathan Foyle: “This place has seen more beheadings than a medieval reality show. And here’s a secret—Anne Boleyn’s ghost has been spotted carrying her own head in the corridors.”
Conan O’Brien (mock-terrified): “Oh great! First fainting soldiers, now floating severed heads—London, you are full of surprises.”
John Cleese (pretending to inspect the execution block): “Imagine the Yelp review: 'Lovely view, but the service left me feeling quite headless.'”
Emma Thompson (shaking her head with a chuckle): “Ah yes, the British sense of humor—so dry it should come with a warning label.”
Scene 4: The London Eye – The Ultimate View
As they step into the glass pod of the London Eye, the city unfurls beneath them—the River Thames winding like a silver ribbon, the glowing dome of St. Paul’s Cathedral, the futuristic Shard piercing the clouds.
Conan O’Brien (pressing his nose against the glass): “I feel like I should be narrating a BBC nature documentary. And here, we see the wild Londoner, clinging to their umbrellas, braving the city’s natural predator—the drizzle.”
Hugh Laurie (pointing at the Thames): “Did you know that the river used to be so polluted, people joked that if you fell in, you’d emerge with a new species of disease?"
John Cleese (deadpan): “And yet, the fish still seemed to enjoy it. Hardy creatures, those British fish.”
Scene 5: Dinner at Sketch – The Eccentric Finale
Inside Sketch, the pink velvet booths and surrealist artwork create an otherworldly atmosphere. A robot-like waiter in a silver suit serves tiny, artistic dishes that look more like modern art than food. The air is rich with the scent of truffle and aged cheese.
Conan O’Brien (staring at his plate): “So... do I eat this, or put it in a museum?”
Emma Thompson (laughing): “It’s the Michelin-star experience, darling—confusion, followed by deliciousness.”
John Cleese (picking up a fork): “Or as I like to call it, very expensive confusion.”
As they toast with glasses of rare, sparkling English wine, the evening buzzes with laughter, the clink of glasses echoing beneath the soft glow of chandeliers.
Conan O’Brien (raising his glass): “To London—where history, humor, and haunted palaces all come together beautifully.”
Day 2 – Oxford & The Cotswolds
Theme: Prestige, Hidden Villages & Cozy Countryside
Guests: Conan O’Brien, Stephen Fry, Tom Hiddleston, Kate Winslet
Local Guide: Philip Pullman (Famous author, master storyteller, and Oxford insider)
Scene 1: Oxford University – The Secret Book That Can’t Be Read
The crisp morning air carries the faint scent of freshly brewed coffee from a nearby café. The group steps through the grand stone archway of the Bodleian Library, its medieval wooden doors creaking open. The interior smells of old parchment, ink, and ancient wisdom.
Philip Pullman (whispering dramatically):
“Here’s something few people know—inside this very library, there’s a book that nobody is allowed to read.”
Conan O’Brien (gasps, clutching his chest):
“You mean… the British government finally banned Twilight?”
Stephen Fry (rolling his eyes):
“No, no—this is a real forbidden book. It’s locked away because it’s so fragile, it might crumble if you even breathe on it. It’s called the Voynich Manuscript, and even weirder—no one has ever deciphered it.”
Tom Hiddleston (leaning in, deep Loki voice):
“So, you’re saying there’s a real-life mystery book in here that not even scholars can understand?”
Kate Winslet (whispering dramatically):
“And yet, somehow, I bet Dan Brown has already written a sequel about it.”
Conan O’Brien (mock-serious):
“Okay, hear me out: we replace the book with a random IKEA instruction manual and see if scholars pretend to ‘decode’ it.”
Scene 2: Christ Church College – The Dining Hall That Inspired Hogwarts
Inside the majestic dining hall, long wooden tables stretch across the room, lit by the golden glow of chandeliers hanging from the high, vaulted ceiling. The air is thick with the smell of aged wood and centuries of candle wax.
Philip Pullman (gesturing around):
“This, my dear friends, was J.K. Rowling’s inspiration for the Great Hall in Harry Potter.”
Tom Hiddleston (grinning):
“And yet, no floating candles. Disappointing.”
Stephen Fry (clears throat, in his famous Harry Potter audiobook narration voice):
“And so, young Conan entered the hall, unaware that he was about to be sorted into the House of the Terminally Confused…”
Conan O’Brien (jumping onto the table, pretending to wear a Sorting Hat):
“I CALL IT NOW—Hufflepuff! No, wait. Gryffindor! Or… let’s be honest, probably expelled.”
Scene 3: The Cotswolds – The Village That’s Stuck in Time
The air smells of fresh rain, wildflowers, and chimney smoke as the group arrives in Bibury, often called the prettiest village in England. Thatched-roof cottages line a tiny stream, their windowsills overflowing with cascading flower baskets.
Philip Pullman:
“This village has a secret—time literally stopped here. The houses are protected by law, which means nothing can be changed—no modern signs, no renovations, not even satellite dishes.”
Kate Winslet (eyes widening):
“You’re telling me that if a house gets struck by lightning, they have to rebuild it using medieval rules?”
Philip Pullman (nodding):
“Exactly. Even the window glass has to match its original 1600s appearance.”
Conan O’Brien:
“So basically, if I want WiFi, I have to carve it out of stone like a caveman?”
Stephen Fry:
“Oh yes, Conan, welcome to England, where tradition comes first and convenience comes somewhere in the next century.”
Scene 4: Blenheim Palace – The Secret Birthplace of a Spy?
The grand baroque palace stretches across the green landscape, ornate stone statues and fountains glistening in the afternoon sun. The scent of freshly cut grass and blooming roses drifts through the air.
Philip Pullman (pointing to the palace):
“You probably know this as the birthplace of Winston Churchill. But what people don’t know is that Churchill’s mother—Jennie Jerome—may have actually been a spy.”
Tom Hiddleston (intrigued):
“Wait… you’re saying Churchill’s own mother may have been a secret agent?”
Philip:
“There are letters and diary entries that hint she worked as an informant for British intelligence. Some even say she passed messages hidden in her gloves.”
Conan O’Brien (gasping, grabbing Kate Winslet’s hand):
“Kate, QUICK! Check your gloves for government secrets!”
Kate Winslet (deadpan):
“Yes, Conan, I always keep classified documents next to my nail polish.”
Scene 5: Dinner at The Wild Rabbit – The Hidden Underground Cheese Vault
The group settles into a cozy, candlelit countryside inn, the warm scent of roast lamb and fresh-baked bread filling the air.
Philip Pullman (raising an eyebrow):
“You all may have heard of secret libraries and hidden tunnels. But have you ever heard of… a secret underground cheese vault?”
Conan O’Brien (shocked):
“I’m sorry, did you just say secret and cheese in the same sentence? Because this is my dream.”
Philip:
“Deep under this region, there are centuries-old underground caves where farmers store and age cheese under perfect conditions. Some of them are so well-hidden, only a handful of people know their locations.”
Stephen Fry (nodding):
“A national treasure, truly. Forget the crown jewels—protect the stilton.”
Tom Hiddleston (smirking):
“So, to be clear, the greatest secret of the British countryside… is a hidden stash of cheese?”
Kate Winslet:
“Well, that certainly explains why the British love their sandwiches.”
Conan O’Brien (raising a glass):
“To a country that treats its cheese like a state secret.”
Day 3 – Liverpool & Manchester
Theme: Music, Football & Iconic Northern Culture
Guests: Conan O’Brien, Paul McCartney, David Beckham, Jack Whitehall
Local Guide: Melanie C (Sporty Spice, Liverpool-born music insider)
Scene 1: The Beatles Story Museum – The Hidden Beatles Recording No One Has Heard
The group steps into a dimly lit, nostalgia-filled room, where vintage Beatles memorabilia—John’s round glasses, Paul’s bass guitar, George’s handwritten lyrics—are displayed behind glass cases. The air smells of old vinyl records and nostalgia, as a Beatles track softly plays in the background.
Melanie C (leaning in conspiratorially):
“Here’s something even hardcore Beatles fans don’t know—there’s a secret, unreleased Beatles track that was abandoned… and no one outside a tiny circle has ever heard it.”
Conan O’Brien (dramatically gasping):
“You mean there’s a lost Beatles song just floating out there in the universe?!”
Paul McCartney (grinning mischievously):
“Oh, there are a few. We recorded one where John and I started singing nonsense in fake French accents.”
Jack Whitehall (laughing):
“Wait—you’re telling me that after all the genius songs, there’s one where you two were just mumbling fake French?”
Paul:
“Exactly. It was called ‘Les Frogs Dansent Sur La Lune’ (The Frogs Dance on the Moon). The studio folks thought we’d gone mad.”
David Beckham (laughing):
“This is like if footballers secretly had a lost match where we all played with blindfolds.”
Scene 2: Albert Dock & Liverpool Cathedral – The Time the Cathedral Became a Secret Concert Venue
As they walk along Liverpool’s iconic waterfront, the briny sea air mixes with the scent of fish and chips from a nearby stand. The group heads toward Liverpool Cathedral, its towering Gothic spires piercing the sky.
Melanie C (pointing up at the grand stained-glass windows):
“What most people don’t know is—Liverpool Cathedral once held a secret rock concert.”
Conan O’Brien (staring up at the church, confused):
“I’m sorry—a rock concert? In here?”
Melanie:
“In the 1960s, a bunch of musicians snuck in after midnight and had a private, candlelit performance. Rumor has it, a young band even wrote a song here.”
Paul McCartney (grinning):
“Oh, we all used to sneak into places to jam. The acoustics in here are better than Abbey Road!”
Jack Whitehall:
“Wait… so there’s a chance a Beatles song was born in a church at midnight?"
Paul:
“Possibly. Or we were just really bad at sneaking out.”
Scene 3: Old Trafford – The Secret Bet Beckham Made Here
Inside Old Trafford, the legendary green football pitch glows under stadium lights, the scent of freshly cut grass and adrenaline in the air.
David Beckham (walking out onto the pitch):
“Alright Conan, welcome to Old Trafford—the place where I made the strangest bet of my career.”
Conan O’Brien (raising an eyebrow):
“A football bet? Please tell me you didn’t bet on yourself to score while blindfolded.”
Beckham:
“Worse. I bet my teammate he couldn’t eat an entire meat pie while dribbling across the field.”
Jack Whitehall (laughing hysterically):
“Are you telling me that while people think footballers are hyper-disciplined athletes, some of you are actually just making food-based bets?”
Beckham:
“Oh, 100%. And here’s the best part—he won.”
Conan:
“Wait, so he ate an ENTIRE meat pie while running down the field?”
Beckham:
“Yes. And he still scored a goal. That’s a true athlete.”
Paul McCartney (nodding):
“I’ve always said, footballers and rock stars… same level of madness.”
Scene 4: Manchester’s Northern Quarter – The Café That Invented ‘Britpop’
The streets of Manchester’s Northern Quarter are alive with street art, indie music, and the scent of coffee and fresh pastries wafting from quirky cafés. They step into a dimly lit, graffiti-covered coffee shop, where an old jukebox plays Oasis and The Stone Roses.
Melanie C (gesturing around):
“This place right here? This is where Britpop was unofficially born.”
Conan O’Brien:
“Wait—so you’re telling me that an entire genre of music came from a place that looks like a hipster’s garage?”
Melanie:
“Pretty much. Back in the early ’90s, Oasis, Blur, and Pulp used to come here, argue about music, and try to outcool each other. One night, Liam Gallagher allegedly got so competitive with a rival band, he stole their beer and rewrote one of their songs.”
Paul McCartney (chuckling):
“Ah, the classic British way—steal a pint, steal a song.”
Jack Whitehall:
“So the next time someone lectures me about ‘pure artistic inspiration,’ I’ll just remind them that Britpop was founded on beer theft.”
Scene 5: The Secret Pub in Liverpool Where Famous Rockstars Still Hang Out
As the sun sets, the group finds themselves inside a hidden underground pub, tucked behind a false bookshelf in an unmarked alleyway. The scent of aged whiskey and old wooden beams fills the air.
Melanie C (lowering her voice):
“This is The Jacaranda—one of Liverpool’s oldest, most secret music bars. And here’s the secret—some of the world’s most famous musicians still come here, unannounced, just to play.”
Conan O’Brien (eyes widening):
“Wait, so you’re saying Paul McCartney could walk in right now and start jamming?”
Paul (smirking):
“I mean… I could.”
Jack Whitehall:
“Paul, for the love of God, please get up there and play the French frog song.”
Paul:
“Absolutely not.”
Day 4 – Dublin & The Cliffs of Moher
Theme: Irish Myths, Literature & Guinness
Guests: Conan O’Brien, Colin Farrell, Saoirse Ronan, Chris O’Dowd
Local Guide: Blindboy Boatclub (Irish comedian, satirist, and folklore expert)
Scene 1: Trinity College & The Book of Kells – The Mysterious 9th-Century Doodle
The air smells of old parchment and polished wood as the group steps into the hushed, grandiose Long Room Library at Trinity College. Towering oak bookshelves, lined with centuries-old leather-bound books, stretch toward the arched ceiling. Sunlight filters through the tall windows, casting a golden glow over the dust motes swirling in the air.
Blindboy Boatclub (whispering dramatically):
“Now, everyone’s here to see the Book of Kells, right? But what they don’t tell you is that there’s a tiny medieval doodle hidden inside it—a monk got bored and secretly drew a cat.”
Conan O’Brien (gasping, clutching his heart):
“Wait—are you telling me that the most sacred manuscript in Ireland… contains a random cat drawing?”
Saoirse Ronan (grinning):
“It’s a proper Irish thing to do, really. Even monks in the 9th century were like, ‘Eh, bit bored, better draw a cat.’”
Colin Farrell (nodding):
“You know what? That monk would’ve thrived on Instagram.”
Chris O’Dowd:
“If you look closely, I bet there’s a speech bubble that says, ‘I’m after me dinner, leave me alone.’”
Scene 2: St. Patrick’s Cathedral – The Hidden Well of St. Patrick
The scent of candle wax and ancient stone fills the air as they walk through the towering gothic arches of St. Patrick’s Cathedral. The stained-glass windows cast vivid blue and red reflections onto the polished stone floor.
Blindboy Boatclub:
"Right, so everyone knows St. Patrick supposedly drove the snakes out of Ireland, but the real mystery? There’s a hidden well beneath this very cathedral."
Conan O’Brien:
“A secret snake-removal well? Now I need to know—was this a well for throwing snakes in?”
Saoirse Ronan:
“No, but according to legend, it’s where St. Patrick performed baptisms—but get this, some people think it was actually a pagan wishing well long before that.”
Chris O’Dowd:
“So what you’re saying is, we’ve been throwing coins into a possible ancient magical portal all these years?”
Colin Farrell:
“That explains a lot about why Irish luck exists.”
Scene 3: Guinness Storehouse – The Beer That Was Meant to Last 9,000 Years
The air is thick with the smell of roasted barley and malt as the group steps into the Guinness Storehouse, where giant copper vats and vintage brewing tools surround them.
Blindboy Boatclub (grinning):
“Fun fact—Guinness signed a lease for this place that lasts 9,000 years.”
Conan O’Brien (blinking):
“NINE. THOUSAND. YEARS? That is the single greatest commitment to beer I have ever heard.”
Colin Farrell (raising an imaginary pint):
“I like that they were confident enough to say, ‘Yep, beer will always be relevant.’”
Chris O’Dowd:
“Meanwhile, I can’t even commit to a phone contract for 12 months.”
Saoirse Ronan:
“So basically, this means that long after civilization collapses, if aliens ever land here, they’ll be like—‘Ah yes, this Guinness thing must’ve been the supreme ruler.’”
Scene 4: The Cliffs of Moher – The Myth of the Phantom Piper
The Atlantic wind whips through the air, carrying the fresh scent of salt and wildflowers as they stand atop the towering Cliffs of Moher. Below, waves crash dramatically against the rocks, sending white mist into the air.
Blindboy Boatclub:
“Alright, here’s a myth for ye—people say that on stormy nights, you can hear a ghostly piper playing out here.”
Conan O’Brien:
“Oh great, so not only do I have to worry about falling off the cliffs, now I have to worry about being serenaded by a ghost?”
Saoirse Ronan:
“The legend says he was a musician who challenged the fairies to a music duel and… lost. They trapped him in a sea cave below, and now he plays forever.”
Chris O’Dowd (grinning):
"Ah yes, typical Irish solution—lose a bet, get cursed for eternity.”
Colin Farrell:
“If that were true, you’d think every pub in Dublin would be full of cursed musicians by now.”
Scene 5: Galway’s Hidden Medieval Tunnel Beneath a Pub
As the group strolls through Galway’s cobbled streets, the sounds of traditional Irish music spill out from the pubs. The smell of fresh fish and chips wafts through the cool evening air.
Blindboy Boatclub (lowering his voice):
“Alright, here’s the best-kept secret—there’s a hidden medieval tunnel beneath one of these pubs.”
Conan O’Brien (eyes widening):
“Oh no. Not another tunnel. I swore I was done with tunnels.”
Colin Farrell:
“This one’s different. It’s said to have been used by smugglers and pirates.”
Saoirse Ronan:
“Some say there’s even a secret door behind the fireplace that leads down to it.”
Chris O’Dowd:
“So what you’re saying is—this entire time, we’ve been drinking Guinness over a literal pirate hideout?”
Blindboy Boatclub (grinning):
“Absolutely.”
Conan O’Brien (raising his pint):
“You know what? If I go missing in one of these tunnels, tell my family I went out in the most Irish way possible.”
Day 5 – Belfast & Giant’s Causeway
Theme: Titanic, Legends & Whiskey
Guests: Conan O’Brien, Liam Neeson, Graham Norton, Pierce Brosnan
Local Guide: Dara Ó Briain (Irish comedian, science nerd & history buff)
Scene 1: Titanic Belfast – The VIP Room That Wasn’t Meant to Exist
The group steps into the modern glass-and-steel structure of the Titanic Belfast museum, where exhibits recreate the grandeur of the ill-fated ship. The scent of polished wood and sea salt lingers in the air as they step into a full-scale replica of the Titanic’s grand staircase—golden chandeliers flickering above them.
Dara Ó Briain (pointing at a roped-off section):
“Alright, here’s something few people know—Titanic had a hidden VIP room. It wasn’t in the original blueprints, but somehow, it ended up fully furnished.”
Conan O’Brien:
“Wait—you’re telling me someone just snuck a luxury lounge onto the Titanic?”
Pierce Brosnan (raising an eyebrow):
“Ah yes, the world’s first secret speakeasy.”
Liam Neeson (grinning):
“It gets better—no one knows who built it. Some say it was for high-rollers and politicians who didn’t want to mix with the ‘regular rich.’”
Graham Norton:
“Which, let’s be honest, is very on-brand for rich people.”
Conan O’Brien (mock-serious):
“I guarantee if I were on that ship, I’d have been denied access to that room immediately.”
Scene 2: Giant’s Causeway – The Hidden Whiskey Cave of Irish Legends
The roaring Atlantic crashes against the basalt columns of Giant’s Causeway, the scent of salt air and damp stone filling the crisp morning. The group steps onto the hexagonal stones, their surreal geometric patterns making it feel otherworldly.
Dara Ó Briain:
“So, here’s a good one—legend says a secret whiskey cave is hidden somewhere beneath these cliffs.”
Conan O’Brien (eyes widening):
“Wait, so you’re saying there’s a hidden Irish whiskey vault buried under one of the most famous natural wonders in the world?”
Graham Norton:
“It’s like nature’s own speakeasy.”
Pierce Brosnan:
"Even better—the cave was supposedly used by smugglers during Prohibition to ship whiskey to the U.S.”
Liam Neeson (stroking his chin):
“So what you’re saying is… there could still be a stash of 1920s whiskey down there?”
Conan O’Brien (pointing dramatically at the cliffs):
“Gentlemen. Forget history. We are now on a treasure hunt.”
Scene 3: The Dark Hedges – The Haunted Road That Screams
The twisted, gnarled branches of The Dark Hedges form a spooky tunnel over the deserted road, the late afternoon mist curling through the air. The setting sun filters through the trees, casting long, eerie shadows on the pavement.
Dara Ó Briain (whispering):
“Alright, this one’s for the horror fans—locals say this road is haunted by ‘The Grey Lady’, a ghost who screams at night.”
Conan O’Brien (mock-horrified):
“Oh great. First, we had a haunted piper in Ireland, now we’ve got a full-on banshee?”
Liam Neeson (nodding seriously):
“People say if you drive through here alone, you can hear her scream.”
Graham Norton:
“Or maybe that’s just the sound of a tourist realizing how much they’ve spent on Guinness.”
Conan O’Brien:
"Or… it’s me screaming because I dropped my phone in the whiskey cave.”
Scene 4: Bushmills Distillery – The Secret ‘Taste Tester’ Job That’s Actually Real
The rich scent of malt and oak barrels fills the air as they step into the historic Bushmills Distillery, where golden whiskey glows inside glass tasting glasses.
Dara Ó Briain (grinning):
“Now here’s a real job—Bushmills has a ‘Master Whiskey Taster’, a person whose only job is to sip whiskey all day.”
Conan O’Brien (staggering back dramatically):
“You mean… someone gets paid to drink whiskey and just… say how good it is?”
Pierce Brosnan:
“A job so perfect, I’m surprised no Irish person ever leaves it.”
Graham Norton:
“They probably try, but by then they’re too tipsy to walk out the door.”
Liam Neeson:
“If I had that job, I’d just nod every day and say, ‘Mmm, yes, this one tastes like… whiskey.”
Scene 5: The Secret Pub That Moves Locations
As the group walks through the lively streets of Belfast, they step into a low-lit, cozy pub with a roaring fire and the scent of aged wood and hops in the air.
Dara Ó Briain:
“Here’s the weirdest pub secret—there’s a bar in Belfast that moves locations.”
Conan O’Brien (blinking):
“You’re telling me there’s an actual roaming pub? Like, it just… disappears?”
Dara:
“Yes! It’s called ‘The Barge,’ and it’s a floating pub that drifts along the river. If you don’t know where it is that night, you just have to hope you find it.”
Graham Norton:
“A pub that disappears? Sounds like a challenge.”
Pierce Brosnan:
“This is either the most brilliant Irish idea ever… or a trap set by leprechauns.”
Conan O’Brien (raising his pint):
“To Ireland and Northern Ireland—where even the pubs play hard to get.”
Final Thoughts
✔️ A hidden VIP room on the Titanic.
✔️ A secret whiskey cave beneath Giant’s Causeway.
✔️ A screaming ghost haunting the Dark Hedges.
✔️ The job where you get paid to drink whiskey all day.
✔️ A pub that actually moves locations.
Conan (laughing as they clink glasses in the secret pub):
“Honestly, Ireland is just one long series of fantastic stories. And most of them involve ghosts, whiskey, or missing treasure.”
Final Reflection – Closing Thoughts
(The scene shifts to the airplane cabin, where Conan O’Brien sits in a plush first-class seat, a steaming cup of tea in one hand and a Guinness in the other. He looks out the window as the plane taxis down the runway, then turns to the camera with a thoughtful expression.)
"What Did We Learn?"
Conan (sighing contentedly):
“You know, when I first signed up for this trip, I thought it would be a standard, dignified tour of England and Ireland. A bit of history, a few pints, maybe a light-hearted stroll through the countryside. Simple. Elegant. Cultured.
…And then I actually got here.”
(He pauses, shaking his head as a montage plays of absolute chaos—John Cleese doing the Silly Walk in front of Buckingham Palace, David Beckham watching in horror as Conan attempts a penalty kick, Saoirse Ronan gasping as they uncover a medieval cat doodle in the Book of Kells, and Paul McCartney reluctantly admitting to recording a fake French Beatles song.)
Conan (grinning):
“This wasn’t just a trip. It was a five-day fever dream of historical nonsense, legendary pubs, and more secret tunnels than I ever wanted to see in my life.”
(He sips his tea, looking pensive.)
“But let’s break it down—what did we actually learn from all of this?”
(He counts on his fingers.)
- The British Royal Family has a secret postbox inside Buckingham Palace. Meaning, if you want to send them fan mail, you’d better become a butler first.
- Oxford University has a book so mysterious that no one has ever deciphered it. Which means, statistically speaking, a five-year-old with crayons could crack the code before actual scholars do.
- The Beatles recorded a lost song in fake French. And somehow, it wasn’t their biggest hit.
- The Cliffs of Moher might be haunted by a ghostly piper who lost a music duel with fairies. And yet, he still plays better than most modern DJs.
- The Titanic had a secret VIP room that wasn't supposed to exist. Because, even in the early 1900s, rich people were making things weird.
- There is a pub in Belfast that literally moves. It’s never in the same location twice. Meaning, if you find it, you probably deserve a free drink.
(He exhales, looking exhausted but amused.)
"The People Who Made It Unforgettable"
Conan (leaning back in his seat):
“But honestly, what made this trip truly unforgettable wasn’t just the history, or the whiskey, or the fact that I now probably need a ghost restraining order.
It was the people.”
(A montage plays of the group laughing together—Colin Farrell teasing Conan about his Irish heritage, Graham Norton cracking jokes in a Belfast pub, Liam Neeson delivering a dramatic monologue in front of the Dark Hedges, Jack Whitehall nearly falling off a boat in Liverpool, Kate Winslet pretending to be sorted into a Hogwarts house at Christ Church College.)
Conan (soft smile):
“I got to travel with some of the funniest, most brilliant, and most unhinged people on the planet. And as chaotic as it was… I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”
(The camera lingers on a final scene of the group gathered around a table in a Dublin pub, Guinness in hand, toasting to their ridiculous adventure.)
"Would I Do It Again?"
Conan (smirking, setting down his tea):
"So the real question is—would I do it again?"
(He pauses dramatically, then sighs.)
“Absolutely.
…But next time, I’m bringing a **ghost repellent, a GPS tracker for that moving pub, and maybe—just maybe—an actual itinerary that doesn’t involve me getting thrown out of a royal palace.”
(He raises his glass to the camera.)
“To the UK and Ireland—a place where history, humor, and total madness go hand in hand. I’ll be back. Eventually. If they let me.”
(He takes a sip, and the screen fades to black as the plane lifts off, leaving behind the land of lost Beatles songs, ancient whiskey caves, and haunted cliffs.)
Short Bios:
Conan O’Brien – Legendary comedian and late-night host known for his sharp wit and hilarious travel escapades.
Hugh Laurie – Acclaimed British actor, comedian, and musician, famous for his dry humor and intellectual charm.
John Cleese – Comedy icon and Monty Python legend, bringing absurd British humor to every conversation.
Emma Thompson – Oscar-winning actress and playwright with a brilliant mix of elegance and comedic timing.
Stephen Fry – Renowned author, comedian, and historian, a walking encyclopedia of wit and wisdom.
Tom Hiddleston – Suave British actor with a love for Shakespeare and a great sense of humor.
Kate Winslet – Award-winning actress with effortless charm and a sharp, playful sense of humor.
Paul McCartney – Music legend and former Beatle, full of stories and timeless rock-and-roll energy.
David Beckham – Football superstar and global icon, known for his charm and competitive spirit.
Jack Whitehall – British comedian and actor, master of self-deprecating humor and travel mishaps.
Colin Farrell – Charismatic Irish actor with a wild storytelling style and endless charm.
Saoirse Ronan – Acclaimed actress, proudly Irish, with a quick wit and a love for local legends.
Chris O’Dowd – Hilarious Irish comedian and actor, bringing sharp humor and pub banter expertise.
Liam Neeson – Legendary actor with a commanding presence and a surprising sense of humor.
Graham Norton – Talk show king and master of witty, unfiltered humor.
Pierce Brosnan – The ultimate James Bond, blending sophistication with unexpected comedic moments.
Blindboy Boatclub – Irish satirist and folklore expert, weaving history with humor and mystery.
Jonathan Foyle – British historian and TV presenter, revealing hidden royal secrets and lost stories.
Philip Pullman – Acclaimed author and Oxford insider, bringing literary magic and deep insights.
Dara Ó Briain – Irish comedian and science nerd, making history and myths even more entertaining.
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