Hi, I’m Conan O’Brien, and somehow—either by portal or poor decision-making—I’ve become your tour guide through Universal’s Epic Universe. That’s right, five worlds, countless rides, too many churros, and at least one awkward moment involving a dragon’s nostril.
Now, you may be asking, ‘Why me?’ And I say, why not me? I’m tall, confused, and just delusional enough to think I can survive a kart race, battle Victorian monsters, and navigate Parisian wizardry—all before lunch. Along the way, I’ll be joined by some of my most unpredictable celebrity friends and guided by people who know secrets that Mario would’ve paid gold coins to learn.
So buckle up. Or wand up. Or glider up. Whatever the safety equipment is in your current dimension… use it. This isn’t just a theme park—it’s an inter-realm odyssey. And I’m here to get us hilariously lost on the way.
(Note: This is an imaginary conversation, a creative exploration of an idea, and not a real speech or event.)
Topic 1: Celestial Park – The Heart of the Universe
Location: Universal Epic Universe – Celestial Park
Cast: Conan O’Brien, Emma Stone, Jack Black, Simu Liu
Tour Guide: Lyra Nova, ex-park designer and cosmic lore expert
Characters: Nova (park mascot), the Stardust Racers
[Scene opens just before sunrise.]
The morning air is crisp, with the faint scent of citrus from manicured alien-flora gardens surrounding the glowing promenade. The ground beneath Conan’s feet pulses ever so slightly—embedded fiber-optic stars sync with the rising sun. Towering spires resembling constellations twist into the pale blue sky, refracting golden light. A gentle ambient melody hums around them, tuned to the park's celestial rhythm.
Conan:
(Looking up at the massive Celestial Spire)
“Okay… so either I’m in a sci-fi dream, or this is what Elon Musk sees when he sleeps.”
Emma Stone (giggling):
“No, Elon’s dreams are way less charming. This is like if Carl Sagan designed Disneyland after a bottle of champagne.”
Jack Black (arms spread wide):
“Behold! I, the cosmic bard of funk, summon the Stardust Racers! Make your entrance, you glowing maniacs!”
Suddenly, three holographic beings spiral out of the spire’s tip—blue, gold, and purple streaks twisting midair before landing in perfect sync on the shimmering path. Their suits sparkle like galaxies in motion.
Simu Liu:
(whispering to Conan)
“Okay, that was actually legit. Are we sure they’re not from the next Avengers phase?”
Tour Guide Lyra Nova, dressed in a sleek robe threaded with light, steps forward with the calm authority of someone who’s lived among stars.
Lyra Nova:
“Welcome, travelers. You stand on the Axis of Time—this very walkway aligns with the Milky Way during the winter solstice. Every tile beneath you is a real star map from 100,000 years ago.”
Conan:
(Raising eyebrows)
“Lyra, are you telling me I’m stepping on Betelgeuse right now? Because I’m pretty sure I saw Jack Black trip on Orion’s belt.”
Jack:
“That was a tactical interpretive stumble, my friend. Respect the art.”
They begin walking toward the Stardust Carousel, its glass canopy rotating slowly, glittering with refracted sunlight. Light wind brushes their faces. Soft bell chimes play as they pass illuminated trees whose branches seem to shift when you’re not looking.
Lyra Nova (pointing left):
“Over there is the Reflection Pond. Whisper your name into the water and you’ll see your future self—unless you’re lying about your identity.”
Emma:
“Let’s just say… that pond and my fake Starbucks name would have a very confusing conversation.”
Simu (excited):
“Wait, is this the ‘hidden garden path’ people talk about on Reddit?”
Lyra (smiling):
“Ah, you’re well informed. Yes—come.”
She leads them behind a seemingly solid wall of star-shaped ivy. It parts like magic to reveal a quiet, glowing nook. Inside: a sculpture of a child gazing at the cosmos, her hands releasing tiny, suspended planets that orbit in slow motion.
Conan:
(Silenced for a moment)
“This... this is like a dream you don’t want to wake up from.”
A faint scent of vanilla and lavender wafts from the mossy stones. Light rainfall mists from above, though the sky remains blue—engineered weather for plant hydration.
Suddenly, a park-wide chime sounds. The music swells. The Stardust Racers reappear, this time with Nova, the park’s original glowing mascot—part phoenix, part comet—hovering in midair.
Nova (in musical tones):
“Travelers of wonder, your presence has been recorded in the Archive of Awe. May your memories shine brighter than suns yet born.”
Jack:
“I want that guy to narrate my life. Every morning. ‘Jack arises. And breakfast—shall be legendary.’”
Lyra Nova:
“Before we part—here’s a secret: if you touch the edge of the Cosmic Fountain at 11:11 a.m., your wish gets added to the orbiting ring above the park. It glows once for every wish made. Look up.”
They all look skyward. A faint shimmering ring arcs around the upper rim of Celestial Park’s dome. Hundreds—maybe thousands—of small, glowing pulses spiral silently overhead.
Emma (softly):
“I… feel like I’m part of something way bigger.”
Simu (grinning):
“I feel like I need to touch that fountain. Like now.”
Conan:
“Let’s go, guys. Time to make a wish—and if mine involves extra-long churros and a ride that makes me fly like Bowie, I regret nothing.”
They walk off as the music crescendos—blending orchestral sweeps with playful synth notes—as if the universe itself is watching.
Topic 2: Super Nintendo World – Powered by Play
Location: Universal Epic Universe – Super Nintendo World
Cast: Conan O’Brien, Ryan Reynolds, Brie Larson, Kenan Thompson
Tour Guide: Koji Tanaka, former Nintendo level designer and Easter egg expert
Characters: Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach, Bowser
[Scene opens with pixelated clouds drifting slowly across a bright blue digital sky above the warp-pipe entrance.]
The air smells of sweet popcorn and power-up mushrooms (cinnamon sugar with a hint of caramel). Giant spinning coins clink cheerfully overhead. The group emerges from a glowing green pipe to the sound of the iconic Super Mario Bros. theme, remixed with orchestral swells.
Conan O’Brien (wobbling out of the warp pipe):
“Okay, that pipe messed with my equilibrium. Either I’m in a video game or I just blacked out in Tokyo.”
Koji Tanaka, wearing a pixelated tie and red overalls under a smart blazer, beams proudly.
Koji:
“Welcome to the Mushroom Kingdom! You're standing where millions of people have dreamed of arriving. But I’ll show you parts even Mario’s never mentioned.”
Ryan Reynolds (wide-eyed):
“Okay but—why does it smell like nostalgia and churros in here? That’s illegal.”
Brie Larson:
“Guys… the bricks are real. The floating platforms are real. I might cry.”
Kenan Thompson (pretending to break a coin block):
“Y’all better not let me find a star. If I get invincible, I’m not responsible for my actions.”
[Scene: Peach’s Castle]
They step into the royal hall, where stained-glass Peach windows glow from behind, casting soft pink and gold light. A harp version of the original Mario theme plays faintly. The air is cool, perfumed with cherry blossoms and something slightly synthetic—like plastic toys come to life.
Suddenly, Princess Peach glides in gracefully, offering a royal wave.
Peach:
“Welcome, heroes! And Conan. Are you here to help save the Kingdom?”
Conan:
“I don’t know, Princess… what’s the pension plan like for Italian plumbers?”
From the side door, Mario and Luigi rush in, jumping in unison with a perfectly timed “Let’s-a go!”
Koji (grinning):
“Here’s your first secret: stomp the third tile from the left in Peach’s garden. It plays a hidden sound byte from Super Mario 64.”
Brie:
“No way. I spent like 500 hours trying to find that!”
[Scene: Mario Kart: Bowser’s Challenge]
The group walks down a dim corridor lit with red torches and Bowser insignias. The air thickens with heat and excitement. The scent of rubber tires, engine oil, and victory waft from the starting line.
Koji (whispering):
“Look up at the third chandelier—Bowser’s crest changes depending on who enters the room first. It’s tied to your wristband ID.”
Kenan:
“That’s some CIA-level Mario Kart sorcery.”
Ryan Reynolds (adjusting his kart visor):
“If I lose, I’m suing Koji. This is pre-rigged for the Mushroom Mafia.”
The countdown begins. VR visors drop. Lights flash. The kart engines growl.
BOOM.
The race begins with immersive wind, flashing banana peels, and shells flying past. Conan screams like a banshee as he throws a virtual blue shell—at Brie, by mistake.
Brie (yelling through the headset):
“YOU TRAITOR! We were allies!”
Conan:
“I panicked! Luigi looked at me funny!”
[Scene: Post-Race Reentry]
They remove their visors, hair tousled, hearts pounding. A faint mist of peach blossom-scented fog surrounds them as they stumble into the post-race arcade.
Princess Peach (re-entering, fanning herself):
“You’ve all proven yourselves… well, except maybe Conan. But your enthusiasm counts.”
Suddenly, Bowser crashes in with dramatic fanfare. The ground shakes. Fog machines blast cinnamon-scented “lava smoke.”
Bowser (deep voice, mock threatening):
“Who dares challenge me next on Minecart Madness?!”
Kenan:
“Sir, we just ate. Can we get a nap power-up first?”
Ryan:
“Bowser, buddy, I have kids. You yelling in my face is actually the most relaxing part of my day.”
Koji:
“One final tip: behind the Fire Flower mural is a ‘glitch wall.’ Tap your wristband there three times and it opens a door to a secret pixel room.”
Brie:
“Okay, we’re doing that. Forget lunch. This is lunch.”
Conan:
“Koji, if I find Wario in that room doing Pilates, I’m never sleeping again.”
[Scene fades out] as the gang disappears behind the mural, the music shifts to an 8-bit lullaby. The sky darkens into “pixelated twilight,” and fireworks shaped like stars and mushrooms begin to light up the horizon.
Topic 3: How to Train Your Dragon – Isle of Berk
Location: Universal Epic Universe – How to Train Your Dragon: Isle of Berk
Cast: Conan O’Brien, Chris Hemsworth, Awkwafina, Millie Bobby Brown
Tour Guide: Freya Thorsdottir, a Viking re-enactor and dragon behavior expert
Characters: Hiccup, Astrid, Toothless, Stormfly
[Scene opens at the Isle’s jagged cliffside entrance.]
Salt-heavy sea winds whip across the rocky entrance as Conan and the crew step onto the rickety wooden bridge leading into Berk. The cries of distant dragons echo in the misty sky, and the faint scent of smoked fish, pinewood, and fire-charred stone greets them. Far below, foaming waves crash against cliffs.
Conan (clutching the rope railing):
“Okay, if one of these dragons sneezes, I’m airborne.”
Awkwafina (laughing):
“Bro, this place smells like a Viking BBQ and a dragon spa had a baby.”
Chris Hemsworth, donning a Viking cape, shields his eyes from the bright Nordic sun.
“It’s like my Thor costume finally has a homeland.”
Millie Bobby Brown (grinning):
“Conan, don’t worry. I’ve been training with dragons since Season 2 of my imagination.”
They step past a massive carved gate where flaming braziers roar. Freya Thorsdottir, decked out in fur and chainmail, greets them with a horn blast and a booming voice.
Freya:
“Welcome to Berk, travelers! Step with courage, for dragons do not respect hesitation.”
Conan:
“Oh great. So exactly like Hollywood.”
Freya:
“This way! But stay alert. If Stormfly likes you, she’ll nuzzle you. If not, she’ll ignite your pants.”
They pass through a dragon training arena where real fire licks the air. Training dummies swing, nets fly, and dragon wings slice the sky above. The scent of soot and excitement hangs thick.
Suddenly, Toothless descends in a whoosh of wind, landing with a puff of smoky breath that smells faintly of cinnamon. Hiccup and Astrid follow, grinning.
Hiccup:
“You must be the Earth visitors. I’m Hiccup. This is Toothless. He’s curious about tall redheads.”
Conan:
“Should I bow, or offer him my wallet?”
Astrid:
“He prefers salmon jerky. But a joke will earn you more points.”
Awkwafina (pulling a strip of jerky from her bag):
“Boom. I came prepared.”
Toothless sniffs her hand, then gently headbutts her. Awkwafina stumbles back, laughing.
Chris:
“Alright, let’s ride. I’ve done green screens, but this? This is epic.”
[Scene: Hiccup’s Wing Gliders ride]
They’re strapped into dragon gliders shaped like Stormfly and Hookfang. As the ride launches, a gust of cool wind slaps their faces. The scent of ocean spray fills their lungs. Below them, cascading waterfalls and flame pits shift and shimmer.
Millie (screaming with joy):
“I’m flying! I’m actually flying!”
Conan (clutching the harness):
“I’ve made a huge mistake! My ankles are in the clouds!”
Freya (yelling from the side):
“Lean left if you want to dodge the Viking ships!”
The ride dips, spins, and soars over the bay. The horizon burns orange with magical flame bursts from staged dragon fireworks.
[Scene: Back on the ground, near the Dragon Rookery.]
They dismount, shaky but glowing. The rookery is warm and misty, filled with dragon eggs in giant nests of moss and metal. Soft grumbles and purring sounds fill the air.
Freya (whispering):
“Touch the blue-spotted egg, and you’ll hear a heartbeat. That one hatches next moon cycle.”
Millie:
(placing a hand on the egg, eyes wide)
“I can feel it. It’s alive.”
Chris:
“This whole park is alive. I’m calling my manager. We’re moving in.”
Conan:
“Let’s just say if Toothless wants a roommate, I’m willing to share snacks and half my Netflix password.”
[Final Scene: Around the bonfire at Dragon’s Edge]
They sit around a roaring bonfire. Skewers of roasted fish and mead-glazed root veggies crackle above the flames. The sky is turning twilight purple, with dragon silhouettes gliding peacefully overhead.
Awkwafina (raising her wooden mug):
“To fire-breathing friendships and sky-high adrenaline!”
Hiccup:
“To your courage! Even if your screams were... memorable.”
Toothless playfully nudges Conan, then curls up near the fire.
Conan (finally relaxed):
“You know what? I came here expecting theme park chaos. But this... this feels like coming home to a place you didn’t know you missed.”
Topic 4: Dark Universe – Monsters Unchained
Location: Universal Epic Universe – Dark Universe
Cast: Conan O’Brien, Taika Waititi, Helena Bonham Carter, Jordan Peele
Tour Guide: Dr. Victor Vellum, a Gothic scholar with a flair for drama and secrets
Characters: Frankenstein’s Monster, The Bride, Dracula, Victoria Frankenstein
[Scene opens beneath an ominous, cloud-choked sky.]
The fog is thick, lavender-tinged, and clings low to the cobbled path. The air is damp and metallic, scented faintly with iron, moss, and old parchment. Thunder rumbles distantly as Conan and the others enter through towering wrought iron gates etched with Latin warnings. Crows scatter.
Conan O’Brien (wide-eyed):
“Okay… is this a theme park or a Tim Burton fever dream?”
Helena Bonham Carter (softly, with delight):
“Both, if done correctly.”
Taika Waititi (dramatically clutching his scarf):
“I feel like I should recite Edgar Allan Poe while tap dancing.”
Jordan Peele:
“If I start narrating in Morgan Freeman’s voice, someone slap me.”
From the shadows emerges Dr. Victor Vellum, their guide, dressed in a long black coat, one eye visibly mechanical. His voice is velvet and slow.
Vellum:
“Welcome, brave souls… to the forgotten village of Ember Hollow. Where monsters mourn… and stories never die.”
Conan:
“Did… did you rehearse that in a crypt?”
Vellum:
“Only on stormy Tuesdays.”
[Scene: The Graveyard of Origins]
Fog curls at their ankles as they pass crooked tombstones bearing names like Van Helsing and Lenore. Animatronic crows whisper phrases in Latin. A sulfur lamp flickers. From a crypt, they hear faint violin strains.
Helena:
“This is exquisite. I want to live here and write tragic poetry in velvet gloves.”
Taika (peering into a coffin):
“Guys. Either that’s a prop… or someone overslept their funeral.”
Jordan (touching the stone):
“This headstone shifts temperature when you touch it. That’s a wild detail.”
Vellum:
“This grave marks the boundary between the living and the remembered. Touch it and your reflection disappears for twelve seconds.”
Conan (stepping back):
“I like my face where I can see it. Preferably near mirrors and hair products.”
Suddenly, the sky rumbles louder. From the fog ahead, Frankenstein’s Monster lumbers forth. His massive boots crunch wet leaves. He pauses—then bows.
Monster:
“Welcome… strangers. Are you afraid?”
Conan:
“I’m Irish. I was born afraid.”
Bride of Frankenstein, electric curls shimmering, joins him. She gazes at Helena, then gently adjusts a rose in her hair.
Bride:
“Kindred soul.”
Helena (touched):
“Well now I’m going to cry and scream at the same time.”
[Scene: Monsters Unchained ride entrance]
They stand before a Gothic cathedral structure fused with mad science—pipes hiss, Tesla coils spark. The air smells of ozone and burnt copper.
Vellum:
“This ride simulates a descent into the psyche of five monsters. Each room unlocks a fear... from betrayal to isolation. Your pulse is recorded.”
Taika:
“So it’s like therapy, but with lightning bolts.”
Jordan:
“I might take notes for a new film. This place is like Freud meets Tim Burton.”
[Inside the Ride]
Chilling violin builds. In one room, Dracula appears, fanged and regal, beckoning Conan to step into a hall of mirrors.
Dracula (whispering):
“Choose the real path… or be lost in reflection.”
Conan (panicking):
“Ryan Reynolds never warned me about this mirror work!”
Jordan (offscreen):
“Just follow the exit sign, man!”
[Final Room: Victoria Frankenstein’s Lab]
Glass tubes bubble. Lightning cracks outside. In a flickering moment, Victoria Frankenstein emerges, her gloved hands sparking with blue current.
Victoria:
“Creation is chaos… and beauty. You are all stitched from stories. What story will you leave behind?”
Everyone falls silent. A giant heart, beating inside a jar, illuminates the room in soft red pulses.
Helena (whispers):
“This is more than horror. It’s haunted elegance.”
[Back outside, in the chilling twilight mist.]
The fog lifts a bit, revealing purple-lit cliffs and ivy-covered ruins.
Conan:
“I thought I was just going to get chased by Dracula and maybe spill my drink… but that was… weirdly moving.”
Jordan:
“That’s the best kind of horror. It’s not just fear—it’s reflection.”
Taika:
“I’m feeling inspired. Maybe I’ll remake ‘Frankenstein’ but as a rock opera comedy.”
Helena:
“Only if I get to play the moon.”
They walk off, fog swirling gently around them as unseen organ music drifts from the distance.
Topic 5: Wizarding World – 1920s Paris (Fantastic Beasts)
Location: Universal Epic Universe – Wizarding World: 1920s Paris
Cast: Conan O’Brien, Zendaya, Tom Holland, Keegan-Michael Key
Tour Guide: Madame Elodie Duval, wand historian and magical etiquette instructor
Characters: Newt Scamander, Tina Goldstein, the Niffler
[Scene opens at Place Cachée, a cobbled hidden square flickering with enchantment.]
Parisian jazz drifts through the air, blending with the faint sound of fluttering wings and distant spellcasting. The gas lamps burn with soft, enchanted flames that flicker between teal and gold. The stones beneath their feet are warm, and the scent of parchment, lavender, and fresh brioche lingers in the breeze.
Conan O’Brien (adjusting his enchanted overcoat):
“Is it weird that I feel underdressed? Even the lampposts look like they own art galleries.”
Zendaya (grinning):
“This whole place is like stepping into a painting that got tired of being still.”
Tom Holland (spinning a vintage wand):
“Mate, I think my wand’s vibrating. Is that normal?”
Keegan-Michael Key (snapping photos of everything):
“Either that or you’ve got the world’s fanciest mosquito zapper.”
From the shadow of a glowing archway emerges Madame Elodie Duval, dressed in flowing robes patterned like stained glass. Her voice is elegant, each word pronounced with intention.
Madame Duval:
“Bienvenue, travelers. You stand now in Place Cachée, the veiled heart of wizarding Paris. Wands holstered, minds open.”
Conan (eyes darting to a floating hat stand):
“My mind is open, my bladder is less confident.”
[Scene: The Wand Conservatory]
Inside a domed hall, thousands of wands float silently, illuminated by rotating beams of moonlight. The air is fragrant with old oak, dried ink, and magical resin. Gentle harp chords play from an unseen corner.
Madame Duval:
“Here lies the memory of wandmakers past. Tap your wand to the stone basin, and it will hum with your lineage.”
Zendaya (placing her wand down):
“It’s humming… in harmony. Does that mean I’m destined for good things?”
Duval:
“Or unpredictable greatness.”
Tom Holland:
“Mine’s playing the Spider-Man theme. How… how is that even allowed?”
Keegan-Michael Key (whispers):
“My wand just played jazz and coughed. I think it needs rest.”
[Scene: Magical Menagerie Market]
They exit into an alley where magical creatures roam freely in semi-concealed stalls. Feathers, scales, and bioluminescent trails color the air. A glowing puffskein floats past Conan’s head with a purring noise.
Conan:
“What is that and why is it eyeing my hair like a nesting site?”
Newt Scamander appears, hair wind-blown, satchel swaying.
Newt:
“That’s Mumbles. He prefers redheads. Might be best to crouch.”
Suddenly, a Niffler sprints past, snatching Keegan’s wristwatch.
Keegan:
“Hey! That’s vintage! That little rat’s got taste!”
Tina Goldstein (chasing behind):
“He’s heading toward the fountain—someone distract him with anything shiny!”
Zendaya flicks a golden brooch into the air. The Niffler skids, flips, and cartwheels after it.
Tom:
“I’ve seen stunts like that on YouTube… and also in most of my movies.”
[Scene: The Parisian Rooftop Portal]
They climb winding iron stairs to a terrace with a view of enchanted Paris—golden domes, glowing dirigibles, and magical fireworks over the Seine.
Duval (softly):
“This rooftop was inspired by a vision J.K. Rowling had of Paris reimagined. Touch this railing—and the city shows you your inner enchantment.”
Conan (touching it):
“A harp played… then it burped.”
Zendaya (smiling):
“Mine turned into a moonflower. Not sure what it means, but it feels… right.”
Keegan:
“Mine flashed a mirror, then turned into a flaming piano. That tracks.”
Tom:
“Mine showed Zendaya. That tracks too.”
They all turn as the Eiffel Tower shimmers with magical lights, revealing secret runes hidden within its frame.
Newt (watching quietly):
“Magic... should always be a little wild, a little wonderful.”
[Scene: Final Portal – Farewell Courtyard]
Back at the entrance, glowing suitcases pack themselves. The ambient music transitions into a soft orchestral version of Fantastic Beasts. A gust of warm, wand-scented wind circles them as Madame Duval nods farewell.
Madame Duval:
“Remember, magic is not what you carry. It is what you choose to see.”
Conan:
“And today, I chose to see… a kleptomaniac platypus steal my dignity.”
Zendaya (laughing):
“And we chose to follow. Glad we did.”
They step through the portal one last time, fading into golden light.
Final Thoughts by Conan O’Brien
Well folks, we made it. Five worlds, multiple costume changes, and an emotional breakdown in a foggy monster graveyard later—we’ve arrived at the end of our journey. Or maybe the midpoint of a lifelong obsession with Stardust churros and pixelated kart revenge."
Each world gave us something different. Celestial Park gave us stars to dream by. Super Nintendo World gave us whiplash and nostalgia. Isle of Berk taught me how to fly—and how not to scream like a goat while doing it. Dark Universe scared me, inspired me, and probably cursed me. And Wizarding Paris? Let’s just say I’ll never look at a suitcase the same way again.
What really struck me, though, wasn’t just the worlds—but the wonder. That childlike buzz you get when magic feels real, when characters leap off the screen, and when people—strangers—light up around you. It reminds me that joy, like a wand or a power-up, only works when you lift it up and share it.
So whether you’re reading this from a phone, a broomstick, or a dragon's saddle—thank you. This was one epic ride. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a mischievous Niffler to chase and a Mario Kart score to avenge. See you in the next dimension.
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